Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Breaking News: Obama Losing to McCain on the Electoral Map . . . Bill O'Reilly's Electoral Map

Oregon and Michigan now toss-up states! North Carolina strongly leaning towards McCain! Cats and dogs living together! Mass hysteria!

Oh, according to Bill O'Reilly. Hahahahaha. Whew! Got me nervous there. All is well.

And as if this shocking development isn't enough, Nielsen ratings show MSNBC's prime-time lineup beating Fox News' long-running sitcoms (including the O'Reilly Factor) three of the past five days in the all important 25 - 54-years-old advertising demographic.

I'm about to state the obvious, but it makes me feel better. Here's the skinny on Fox News: 90% of its viewers are crusty, old, ultra-conservative mummies, diaper-clad and going the way of the Dodo. The other 10% are seething lefty masochists with a sick need to make their blood boil each evening. Fox News has made a sterling brand out of feigned victimization - a cartoonish "fair and balanced" us versus a "liberal media elite" them pitted in an aggrandized "culture war" interminably waged only by their pundits and a few wingnut followers.

Forever relegated to cable because most of the country is rational and sane, Fox News will continue to fight the fabricated fight against an imaginary liberal beast until it is fake-tamed and pretend-controlled before a limited television audience. It is quite the Muppet Babies adventure: "When your world looks kind of left and you wish that you weren't there . . . just close your eyes and turn on Fox, and the liberals won't be there!"

Don't celebrate, MSNBC. You're quickly becoming Fox News' ultra-liberal reflection in the punditry mirror and the reflection ain't too fair (except for Rachel Maddow, recently promulgated as my new celebrity crush freebie, serving a devastating blow to Audrina from The Hills. This new position on freebies has been well received according to my internal polling of the wife demographic.).

***UPDATE***: Add . . . Shepard Smith of, yes . . . Fox News . . . to my ever-growing list of pundit freebies I would tryst about with. And vote a resounding "NO" on Prop. 8 if you're a Californian resident so I can marry Smith for this one:

Without puffed-up apoplexy or pandering, Smith simply, uniquely, sets the record straight. And could there be a more laughable GOP paragon than Sam Wurzelbacher, a.k.a. Joe the Nitwit Plumber?

5 days to go! Don't just vote like all the unctuous celebs demand. THINK . . . then vote.


Warm Apple Pie said...

All joking never really aside, but on this single occasion, Maddow is legit. Love her show.

Jack Knowledge said...

Hey great update. WAP, 12:55 pm called. It wants my post back. Jack Knowledge has straight up murdered four people already this week (allegedly) for far, far less than this...