Wednesday, November 25, 2009

100 Years War

So let me get this straight - the same guy who declared Obama a failure after, what, 2 months in office, wants me to give him A HUNDRED YEARS to fix America? Quit your slacking, Beck. You get 75 years, tops.

So what's the plan, or as Beck refers to it - "The Plan"? Hold on, bucko. As Joe the Plumber demonstrated, freedom ain't free, and neither is Beck's master plan. You have to buy his book. And it ain't written yet.

But fear not. Mayor Tinfoil Hat of Loonytown reveals in his announcement a few of his ideas on how to save America from the liberals, Kenyans, Socialists, and Mexicans:

Today, I have stopped looking for a leader to show us the way out because I have come to realize that the only one who can truly save our us.

By "us," he means Glenn Beck and the 5 voices in his head.

When we refuse to allow our children to receive a trophy for participation, we are on the road to restoring the meaning of merit in our Republic.

Finally! The core of what is really wrong with America - participation trophies. No more trophies! Does that include trophy wives? Better not tell Fred Thompson, Rudy Giuliani, and Jim McShame.

There is much to do, much to learn and time is of the essence.

That's why I need 100 years! Starting March 2010! If time weren't of the essence, it would be a 200 year plan.

we will be conducting a series of conventions. These will be full-day experiences where you will be immersed in learning about topics ranging from self-reliance, community organizing, the economy and how to be a political force in your own neighborhood and country.

Not community organizing! That's Communist stuff you learn at a Madrassa in Kenya! But not so long ago Beck was of the opinion that "The community organizer mentality — the ACORN mentality — is to distract you from their main goal, so even though some people are looking at their voter registration fraud, we should follow the money, too." What's your angle, Beck? What goal are you trying to distract us from? Is it the goal of selling books? Nah. Couldn't be.

It will require unconventional thinking and a radical plan to restore our nation to the maximum freedoms we were supposed to have been protecting, using only the battlefield of ideas.

Oh, the "battlefield of ideas." Where is this battlefield? I bet it's on the Island of Idiocy. Right next to Loonytown, Mr. Mayor. Will everyone be unarmed, or just you?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Day After Tomorrow . . . Is Sunny And Mild?

If you get out too far in front of a scientific theory, you may want to "slow your roll." Suddenly you look around and you're all alone (well, just you, Al Gore and an indian chief with a rolling tear).

Scandal at the East Anglia Climate "Research" Unit! Hackers release emails showing falsification of statistics? Skeptical voices in the scientific community snuffed out? Empirical "tricks" to substantiate warming trends? Beautification of climate change graphs for mass consumption?

It's all sham! I guess there are actually six steps to the Scientific Method: Problem, Hypothesis, Experiment, Observation, Conclusion, and, lastly, prevarication. And it's the "global warming scandal of the century" for gadfly Michelle Malkin. I guess the only question left here is what did Obama know, when did he know it and why won't he release his "long form" birth certificate proving he is a muslim from Kenya. Oh despicable "Culture of Corruption."

On the other hand, calling a bunch of emails from a couple of scientists at one university the death knell of the global warming/climate change/hotter-than-balls-now movement may be a bit hyperbolic.

Now if you will excuse me: I need to leave all the lights in my home on before I drive to the store 300 feet down the road in my 1984 Cadillac Seville with no muffler while drinking coffee out of a styrafoam cup and spraying an entire aerosol bottle of Aquanet on my hair.

"Paper or plastic, sir?"

Plastic, but double bag it. Don't triple bag it. I lead a practical life.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Watch Your Back, Mr. Simmons...

...because Warm Apple Pie is monitoring you. The picture below was taken by WAP at the Clippers-Nuggets game on Friday night while WAP was passing through Los Angeles on his way to Shanghai to negotiate a new carbon emissions protocol. Mr. Simmons: you have been warned... WAP managed to attach a tracking device to you while you were waiting on line for beer (oh who are we kidding - there are no lines at Clippers games!). We know where you are at all times. In a related story, do you EVER leave your couch? Seriously...