Thursday, October 30, 2008

If You Couldn't Gather From The Cradle Of Life Music . . .

. . . John McCain thinks Barack Hussein Obama is Muslim or at least has a Muslim name or at least wants YOU to think he is Muslim (if for only one day next Tuesday):

Just when I think John McCain's campaign could not disgust me more, he reinvents himself and reaches new heights in election year destestability.

New Reuters/CSPAN/Zogby poll just released: John McCain is now within the margin-of-error from being a vomitous cretin. Just 5 days to go! You can do it, John. Go get that Los Angeles Times tape. You know, the one where Barack Obama is probably - just speculating here, I mean I know what the Los Angeles Times reported about the tape in detail back in April - burning an American flag and shouting "Death to America." Maybe he has a bomb strapped to his chest. Maybe Ayers, Khalidi and Obama are "three sheets to the wind," reciting windy passages from The Communist Manifesto and spinning maudlin yarns about the halcyon days of the proleteriat.

Keep pushing for tapes, sound bytes, clips, affidavits, photographs, forensic evidence, fortunes from cookies, "magic 8 ball" revelations, testimony from psychics, smoking guns, Elizabeth Hasselbeck's "thought" (singular - cannot generate multiple thoughts), whatever, showing Barack Obama cannot stomach America and seeks to shred the fabric of democracy from within.

If you try hard enough, Bob McRumpson, you may browbeat Fake America into unqualified capitulation. We'll hate gays, stretch the necks of abortionists and keep all of our money upstairs with the top 1% (you know, the conservative elite) and hope some of it trickles down when the rich are overwhelmed by a fleeting spasm of munificence (call me if there's a hurricane, tsunami or tornado. Other than that? Get off my lawn!).

We'll read the Constitution literally and dogmatically (even if that provision counting one black as 3/5 of a vote should rear its mildly controversial head again). We'll support strict constructionist judges who interpret words with their plain meaning as long as plain meaning comports with their world views.

We'll elect officials imbued with the holy spirit, to win the kulturkampf against the secularists and bring them to their knees . . . in prayer. Oh we will pray. We'll pray in school, pray before every class, pray before bed, pray before meals, pray before Kirk Cameron, pray we are not speaking Chinese in 20 years, pray the terrorists leave us alone, pray that God intervenes in this election, pray for the big, bad storms to leave the Gulf of Mexico, pray not that America is on the side of God, but that God is on the side of America (I may have muddled that).

Most of all, we will pray that God rids our country of the scourge of science, the dark magic of scientist-idolaters foisted upon our good citizens, with its hocus-pocus and artifices, misrepresenting the world as 4.7 billion years. We will pray that intelligent design is taught in our schools rather than this sham sorcery, along with bible study in the time slots normally reserved for such impious pursuits like physics, chemistry or biology. We will pray that our history books contain colorful graphics - like a caveman riding a T-Rex.

We will "drill, baby, drill" at the behest of America's foremost energy expert, and suck up that teeny-weeny drop of Alaskan crude, mainline it into our automotive vein and then go back to desert sheiks, hat-in-hand, asking for a bit more of the Arabian black sniff because it's 2020 and our gas-guzzlers are decidedly out of gas.

We will never look to Europe or beyond our borders for ideas and innovations. Limeys and frogs - keep your universal health care. Our 42,000,000 uninsured don't want any of your socialist quackery. We prefer to amputate our gangrenous limbs with a butter knife in the comfort of our housing project thank you very much.

We will not read newspapers. We'll stay woefully uninformed. We'll embrace hypocrisy. We'll demand the end of abuses of power as we abuse power ourselves. We'll shake things. We'll ruffle feathers. We'll be mavericks or reformers or maverick-reformers. We'll prop up clods like Joe the Plumber, deify him and buttress his astute political commentary - that our opponents would seek the death of Israel - with soaring "USA" chants. We will put a boot in EVERYONE'S ass on Toby Keith's command.

Etc., etc., etc., etc. . .

Thanks for the reminder, John, of what I should do on November 4. I look forward to your next campaign ad.


Warm Apple Pie said...

You are the worst, John. Shame on you.

Warm Regards,

John McCain from 2000

Pat Bateman said...

What do you think happens if John McCain, v.2000, climbs into the DeLorean with Doc Brown and is introduced to John McCain, v.2008... do you think he waterboards him?

Warm Apple Pie said...

No - they both don't support torture. That's the one good thing I can say about McCain Redux.

Defective Pants said...

Um, correction WAP. He does oppose torture - unless it's being committed by the CIA.

Warm Apple Pie said...

DP, I get it - McCain is the devil. Obama is the lord. Fight between good and evil. I get it.

Obama craps sunshine too.

Defective Pants said...

Hey WAP - GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT. Just because the FACTS undermined your quest to be perceived as Johnny Objective AGAIN, doesn't mean you have to start stalking my every comment with ridiculousness.