Friday, October 31, 2008

FOR THE RECORD: Republican Apparatchik Guarantees McCain Victory!

Liberal Halloween Fright Fest! Could you imagine a successor cover for the New York Times on November 5, 2008? I cannot. I will not.

The Potatoe gives you its first installment of "On The Record," where we record for posterity the most brazen and bold of the uber-right-wing pundit class (i.e., the "conservative elite," spawned from McCain's "I know everything" debate performances) predicting - and, in some cases, guaranteeing - a rousing comeback by the GOP ticket in the final days, culminating in a shocking defeat of Barack Obama on Tuesday.

The "Dewey Defeats Truman" whisper campaign has begun to trickle out (oh, sorry, trickle down) to the grass roots Republican rabble in the pit, now begging their conservative lords to guide them in their hour of uncertainty.

Fear not, Real Americans! The polls are bogus. The media deceives. Obama is a Muslim!!!!! Hear me!!!!

(1) Let's begin with the man who once called Andy Martin an "Internet powerhouse," Andy Martin. Andy predicts McCain by a "whisker, and not much of a whisker at that":

"Let me make my prediction. John McCain wins the White House by a whisker. The race could admittedly go either way. But if present trends continue, McCain will squeak through to victory. He is not George Bush, heaven forefend, and he is not Bob Dole."

You remember Andy Martin and his special brand of grass roots conservatism. He's the guy who once called a federal bankruptcy judge a "crooked, slimy Jew, who has a history of lying and thieving common to members of his race." By the way, you should visit Andy's website obviously entitled The Andy Martin story: A detailed biography of Andy Martin's inspirational life story. Pretty impressive bio. Perhaps that's what attracted Hannity when he agreed to give Martin airtime on his Fox News weekend show. I'm giving Hannity the benefit of the doubt here. I'm presuming that Martin's great success as a jurist who once penned in a complaint, "I am able to understand how the Holocaust took place, and with every passing day feel less and less sorry that it did, when Jew survivors are operating as a wolf pack to steal my property" wasn't the angle that enticed Fox News' booking agent.

Oh, here's a picture of Andy Martin in case you see him on the street and want to invite him to Shabbat dinner:

(2) My personal favorite. Gene Owens makes a no-guarantee guarantee:

"John McCain will be the next president. If McCain wins, send this column to all your friends, and maybe to The New York Times, Washington Post and CNN. If Barack Obama wins, forget I said it . . . McCain is a long shot, I know, but if the prediction is off a tad and Obama wins, nobody will remember. If it's on target, I go straight to the top of the prognosticating heap and maybe I get invited to join the best election team on television as, at least, a consultant."

Way to climb out on the ledge over that two foot drop, Gene. Then again, we admire your keen understanding of our king-making culture. The Potatoe is similarly cognizant of the mechanics of lightning-in-a-bottle American fame. But we will go a step further than Mr. Owens and over a three foot precipice: The Potatoe predicts that Barack Obama will win. He if doesn't, John McCain will win. And Ralph Nader will not win. You heard it here first.

(3) Ah, let's wrap up this first edition of "On The Record" with the progenitor of right-wing talk radio, the godfather, the pill-popping pillar of "Real American" values, the corpulent champion of conservatism, the "IT WAS ABOUT RACE!!!!!" raconteur of Republican virtue, El Rushbo. Wonder what his take will be:

My gut is starting to talk to me, ladies and gentlemen. As you know and as I discussed over the course of the previous week, my gut was not giving me any indication whatsoever, and my gut started talking to me last night. Barack is headed back to Iowa. That should be a lock. It's a dead heat. Sarah Palin headed there on Monday, to Dubuque. Pennsylvania, Florida, Ohio, Nevada -- well throw Pennsylvania out of there -- Florida, Ohio, Nevada, look like pretty good McCain certainties here, pretty good, depending on who you listen to. It's Friday, and let's go . . .

Wait for it . . .

Dead heats in two key swing states now, even The Politico reporting this, North Carolina and Missouri, "Even though Obama is strongly outpacing McCain in two of those states' crucial battleground counties, according to new Politico/InsiderAdvantage polls." I'm telling you, things are tightening up out there.

Wait for it . . .

My gut tells me this can be won. This is about turnout. This is about voting. This is about everybody showing up to vote. I am getting e-mails from people who are literally scared of what an Obama presidency will mean to this country. I have never seen this kind of fear among people. I mean what got in reaction to President Clinton's candidacy in 1992 was nothing compared to the overall fear that I am seeing from people in the e-mail and when I talk to them personally about the election of Barack Obama.

Annnnnnnnnnd, cue pander! I said "cue pander?" Hello?

Admittedly, Rush stop juuuuuuust shy of guaranteeing a McCain victory . . . until he was interviewed by London Telegraph correspondent, Nigel Farndale, and could no longer contain this gassy belch:

Talk radio giant Rush Limbaugh says that Sen. John McCain will score a stunning upset over Sen. Barack Obama and win the presidency on Nov. 4 . . .

Limbaugh said the mainstream media has been pushing Obama’s candidacy because “They want to be able to say they did it if Obama wins.”

To which Farndale countered, “Well, he is going to win, isn’t he?”

Limbaugh’s response: “No, I don’t see it Nigel. I think [Obama has] been dead in the water since the primaries. He is going to need to be up 10 to 12 points to win by 3 or 4.”

I'm sure the Potatoe will have an update as Rubenesque Rush brings his whopper of a prediction into better focus.

In honor of Limbaugh, this story is "expanding . . ."


Merge Divide said...

Y'know... I'm starting to find the idea of the Fairness Doctrine more appealing.

Warm Apple Pie said...

Ha! Communist!