Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Dr. McCain Chronicles, Part 1

There has been much speculation concerning how John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate. Speculate no more. In a Potatoe exclusive, we have come into possession of the super-secret audio tape of the top-level meeting that finalized this decision. Without further delay, the transcript:

Dr. McCain: You know, I have one simple request for my Vice President. And that is to have a shark with frickin' laser beam attached to its head! Now evidently my myopic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?

Steve Schmidt: A barracuda.

Dr. McCain: [pause] Right.

Steve Schmidt: Sarah Barracuda.

Dr. McCain: Is she ill tempered?

Steve Schmidt: Absolutely. Like a pit bull with lipstick.

Dr. McCain: Oh well, that's a start.

Riveting stuff. But it didn’t end there. What was their first meeting like?

Dr. McCain: Hello Sarah.

Sarah Palin: Hi.

Dr. McCain: I'm your running mate. Dr. McCain.

Sarah Palin: I've met you once my whole life and now you just show up and *expect* a relationship? I hate you. What?

Dr. McCain: Can I have a hug?

Sarah Palin: No.

Dr. McCain: Give me a hug.

Sarah Palin: No way.

Dr. McCain: Come on. Let's go. Pronto.

Sarah Palin: What are you doing?

Dr. McCain: I'm with it. I'm hip. Tucka, tucka, tucka, tucka, tucka, uh. Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein! Come here and give your running mate a hug.

Sarah Palin: Get away from me, you puff-faced psycho!

[Dr. McCain runs after Sarah with his arms out]

Dr. McCain: Hug, hug, hug.

At first, they got along, but when McCain’s poll numbers started to decline, tension between the two mavericks began to build.

Dr. McCain: Sarah, I want you to meet my nemesis, Barack Obama

Sarah Palin: What? Are you going to just let him campaign like that? Why don't you just bring up Reverend Wright?

Dr. McCain: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable moral quandary involving an exaggerated relationship with Bill Ayers.

Dr. McCain: All right Steve, begin the unnecessarily boring robocalls.

Sarah Palin: Wait, aren't you even going to mention Wright? Obama can address the Ayers issue!

Dr. McCain: No no no, I'm going to leave Wright alone and not actually read the polls about whether the Ayers attacks are effective, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?

Sarah Palin: I have a tape of Wright, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, it'll blow their campaign out!

Dr. McCain: Sarah, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.

How did it all turn out? Tune in next time . . .


Pat Bateman said...

Ha. Nothing else to say. You've outdone yourself, Pants.

Warm Apple Pie said...

Horrendously Constructed Pants knocks one out of the park! Where have you been, Pants? You're country needs you. Hell, I need you. I miss you so damn much. I miss your musk . . .

Clamshucker said...

I like it D-pants..almost too much. Change is confusing....Vote McCain.