"I'm Resigning, and Job Growth Also"

That quittiest of quitters, Sarah Palin, finally resigned. In a Potatoe exclusive, we have learned that the real reason for her resignation was her violation of Alaska's constitution by simultaneously holding two public offices: (1) Governor of the State of Alaska and (2) Mayor of Crazytown. Oh Sarah, while you have chosen to forsake Alaska's larger concerns for a smaller, yet more fanatic, constituency, you will always be Governor of our hearts. And longjohns.

Quitter McGhee summed things up: “So, how about, in honor of the American soldier, you quit making things up.”

Because when you make things up about Sarah Palin, it dishonors our soldiers. You see! It's all connected! When you don't curb your dog, American astronauts lose the will to fly. So while we are all at it, how about, in honor of the American astronaut, you curb your dog. Jerk.

And enough with the apologetics! Tom Cruz and all the other Hollywood starlets wouldn't know what to do if they were trapped in the Alaskan wilderness with nothing to fend for themselves but their bare hands (covered in gortex sub-zero gloves), a long-distance hunting rifle with night-vision scope, and a helicopter. Let's see Xenu save you from that, you apologetics.