Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Way Of The Master? No Kissy-Wissy On The Side

Kirk Cameron, always filled with the Holy Spirit these (end of) days, proving God's truth through a f**king banana, lives under a self-imposed ban from kissing non-wife co-stars while on film (apparently Kirk can still be found on film somewhere).

But what if you're cast in a "steamy, non-sinful . . . faith-based action spectacular" Christian romance flick called Fireproof? Tag line: Never leave your partner behind (translation: The Bible says divorce is a sin!).

So pop quiz, secular hotshots - you're the lead in a biblical romance, but cannot kiss the broad starring opposite you because of a "personal commitment" to your off-camera partner-in-piety? What do you do? What do you do about that cinematic, er, "Growing Pain" in your pants (did you really think I could resist)? What do you do about those thespian blue balls? What do you do?:

Christian actor Kirk Cameron forced movie bosses to cast his wife Chelsea as a smooching stand-in for his new film Fireproof, because he refused to kiss his onscreen wife.

In the movie, Cameron plays a firefighter battling to save his marriage to his wife, played by Erin Bethea. However the 37 year old had made a vow to Chelsea - his wife of 17 years and the mother of his six children - that he would never kiss another woman on or off-screen, so she was brought onto the set for a romantic scene.

Cameron, a partner in evangelical Christian ministry The Way of the Master, explains, "In Fireproof, there is a romantic and touching scene where he (character) kisses his wife. Because I have a commitment not to kiss any other woman, my wife Chelsea came in to the set and wore the dress my character's wife wore. We shot the scene in silhouette, so when I kiss my wife, I'm actually kissing my wife and honoring our marriage."

Here's the trailer for Fireproof. Can I see it yesterday please! Firefighters and sanctimony! I see dollar signs. Look out Dark Knight!:

You're almost teased into believing this is a bona fide movie, until the last 20 seconds when they drag the big, old crucifix out of the prop trailer and a sobbing Kirk falls to his knees in expected prostration before the Lord.

Jesus Christ, Kirk - kiss the bitch.

Oh, also couldn't resist embedding plantain-proof of God courtesy of Cameron and Way of the Master inculcator Ray Comfort. Somehow the fact that I can facilely peel and guide a banana into my mouth, without smashing it into my eye socket like a blooming retard, is axiomatic truth of a divine maker.

I believe in God on my own terms. I can eat a piece of fruit and not make a big thing out of it.

A little detour. Back to politics, faithful readers. We're within a week. It ain't going to be pretty.


Defective Pants said...

If there's anything that banana video makes me realize, it's that apples were forged by Lucifer himself.

Warm Apple Pie said...

I know where I'd like to stick the "atheist's worst nightmare."