Friday, October 24, 2008

A Vote for Obama is a Vote Against Webelos

I cannot make this up. I wish I had the creativity to do so, but I was not imbued with it. But someone was. Who says conservatives have no vision of tomorrow....

Terrorist strikes on four American cities. Russia rolling into Eastern Europe. Israel hit by a nuclear bomb. Gay marriage in every state. The end of the Boy Scouts. All are plausible scenarios if Democrat Barack Obama is elected president, according to a new addition to the campaign conversation called "Letter from 2012 in Obama's America," produced by the conservative Christian group Focus on the Family Action.

No, really. This is really the scenario being painted by Colorado based Focus on the Family. Listen, my opposition to FOTF's agenda probably is not that surprising. But this letter does not straddle absurd. It french-kisses it and makes it its bitch. Let's read more, shall we?

... Focus on the Family Action's letter which has been posted on the group's Web site and making the e-mail rounds. Signed by "A Christian from 2012," it claims a series of events could logically happen based on the group's interpretation of Obama's record, Democratic Party positions, recent court rulings and other trends.

Among the claims:

• A 6-3 liberal majority Supreme Court that results in rulings like one making gay marriage the law of the land and another forcing the Boy Scouts to "hire homosexual scoutmasters and allow them to sleep in tents with young boys." (In the imagined scenario, The Boy Scouts choose to disband rather than obey).

• A series of domestic and international disasters based on Obama's "reluctance to send troops overseas." That includes terrorist attacks on U.S. soil that kill hundreds, Russia occupying the Baltic states and Eastern European countries including Poland and the Czech Republic, and al-Qaida overwhelming Iraq.

• Nationalized health care with long lines for surgery and no access to hospitals for people over 80.

The goal was to "articulate the big picture," said Carrie Gordon Earll, senior director of public policy for Focus on the Family Action. "If it is a doomsday picture, then it's a realistic picture," she said.

Hear me, American conservatives! I come to you from a distant future of 2012! The fabric of civilization has completely unraveled... yet we have time travel technology? Apparently things aren't so bad in 2012 - despite the end of civilization, our flux capacitor research has blossomed and we've learned how to send full-retards through time. We probably banished this nitwit and decided the most painful place to send him was now, on the cusp of his control of this country disappearing and the rest of us dancing in the streets.

I don't even want to address all the claims made from what sounds like a pretty eventful 2012 - I just want to address that Focus on the Family thought that, in the midst of predictions of global thermonuclear war and Delphic visions of the apparent rise of fascism to rival 1938, they thought the swing issue would be... the voluntary disbanding of the Boy Scouts of America. Apparently they felt so strongly about it in 2012 that they sent Kyle Reese back through time to warn us of this threat to our national merit badges.

Listen, folks, Pat Bateman was both a Cub Scout and a Boy Scout. He learned to shoot .22's at Boy Scout Camp when he was 12. He promised to be thrifty, brave, clean and reverent like every other scout in Troop 28. (He might have lied. But back then he meant it.) That said, despite my previous participation in this American rite of passage, predicting the fall of the Boy Scouts does not really frighten the hell out of me - although I'm glad they taught me how to make fire, because soon I am not going to be able to afford the Con Edison bill, and I'll need to revisit that skill using my old Con Law books for kindling. (Hell, we've thrown all those laws out in the last eight years anyhow. )

But apparently FOTF thought that if the scourge of nuclear war and conflict with terrorists, extremists and, apparently, Russia didn't get the voters out, perhaps the possibility that their sons would not be able to earn that all-important Pinewood Derby participation badge would. (note: Pinewood Derby rules. I am NOT disparaging the Pinewood Derby)

Seriously, we've turned the Boy Scouts of America into a wedge election issue? I think we need a new barrel. This one is completely tapped out.

****UPDATE: I was trying to think of what this letter from FOTC reminded me of, but I just could not put my elitist, tree-hugging, sodomite, Norman Rockwell-hating finger on it. Mostly because that finger was busy sparking the lighter I was using to burn another American flag. But it finally came to me. I stood up from my arugula salad and ran to the computer to post it...

1 comment:

Warm Apple Pie said...

Cabin boy, do you want to rub lotion all over my upper torso?