Supervillian Genius Criminal Mastermind

Nobel Prize-laureate, Rhodes Scholar, MENSA member and embattled NY Giants wide-receiver, Plaxico Burress remains in the news three weeks after the bizarre incident in a New York City nightclub in which he accidentally shot himself in the thigh with a .40 Glock handgun. Local New Jersey police entered his home yesterday to execute a search warrant and found a trove of unusual items. Specifically, police found:

• One 9mm handgun
• A rifle A "small cache" of ammo for .380, .45. and .40 caliber guns
• A suitcase full of money
• A pair of blood-soaked jeans

It's kind of remarkable. Not really because of the weapons and ammo and stuff, or the suitcase full of money, but look at the last item: blood-soaked jeans. Now, maybe you're asking yourself, what is surprising about a guy who just shot himself in the leg having a pair of blood-soaked jeans? But then you remember that Plax was wearing sweats at tha club....

Here's some important gun-handling tips from Plax himself

Blagojevich: Is there anything left to say? Yes.

Unless you've been hiding under a rock or his hair, you know about the corruption and general douchebaggery of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (note: is this name real? It can't be real, can it?). Let's not focus on his crimes. They've been covered to death already. Let's focus on his wife...

She's been called "Lady MacBeth" by ABC News here. Apparently she keeps scrubbing but can't get her damned clothes clean. Effing spots. Won't come out. But let's click on that link...

Mrs. Blagjackoffovich: hot or not? You be the judge; the Potatoe's lines are open.

Also, sorry we've been slow here for the last few days. We promise we'll get back on the horse. Wagon. Horse drawn wagon. Whatever.

Obama Is A MacDaddy . . .

No commentary needed:

The Juice . . . Is No Longer Loose!

You can read the Bible to pass the time, but salvation does not lie within . . . not for you.

Yes We Can . . . Tank Our Professional Aspirations

27-year-old wunderkind John Favreau (no relation to the eponymous Vince Vaughn pilot fish), valedictorian of Holy Cross's class of 2003 and current chief speechwriter for President-Elect Barack Obama, may have to dig deep into his formidable bag of words to orate his way out of this candid mess - groping the right boob of our future Secretary of State's life size cutout while his co-conspirator plies the victim with a Heineken.

Hmmm, looking for a six-letter word, starts with an "f", ends with an "ed", describing Favreau's situation at Rahm Emanuel's Monday morning staff meeting.

Described by the Washington Post as "immensely talented," and with his proclamation as "immensely stupid" by the right-stream media pending, Favreau had nothing to say in response to questions about his erotic-partying with the corrugated folds of Clinton's paper-power teet. Suckling on the metaphorical power teet is permitted, but caressing its cardboard replication could be career suicide!

John, you've got a cocky grin going in this photo, but clearly you haven't completed the training. The force is strong with you, precocious political insider, but you are not a legitimate power broker yet. You never give them color, young padawan. Rob Lowe's character in "The West Wing" unwittingly humped a hooker in the pilot episode, but the romp never yielded photographic evidence.

I'm In Palinville And Andrew Sullivan Is The Mayor

Breaking news: Palin not fat enough before Trig's birth. And in our next segment, Barack Obama born in Saudi Arabia?

Andrew Sullivan continues his unhealthy fixation on the "truth" of Trig Palin's birth, now with new photographic evidence showing Sarah Palin three weeks before the alleged delivery. Sullivan marginalizes all the good work logged during the 2008 campaign, ever-vigilant in exposing Sarah's myriad lies and hypocrisies, with this descent into political paranoia. He can't help himself. He's addicted to this Republican heroine.

And it is a sad, sad day when this author begrudgingly makes a strange bedfellow in Michelle Malkin, forming a coalition of the sane against The Daily Dish.

The brazen demands for more proof of Trig's maternity arrive from the same baneful impetus fueling questions about Obama's "vault" birth certificate, notwithstanding that an official birth certificate has been provided.

Gather yourself, Andrew. Take a moment. I was about to purchase The Conservative Soul, but you're pushing me towards In Defense of Internment.

We're all going through the dead air doldrums of the post-election, pre-inauguration season. The blogosphere is decidedly not buzzing. But that's no warrant to light fires just to report on them.

Sandra Bok Choi

Is anyone immune from the spreading economic crisis?:

Natalie Portman is not a sole sister anymore.

Proving that not even celebrities are immune to the country's economic crisis, the actress' vegan shoe line of less than a year, the Natalie Portman Collection for Té Casan, has closed up shop, making it even more of a limited edition than expected.

The critter-free line of footwear, announced by the longtime vegetarian back in January, was launched in February of this year to the delight of animal-loving fashionistas, but not so much to the credit-crunched masses—each pair retailed on average for $200.

Then again, economic crisis or financial bankruptcy born from intellectual bankruptcy: $200 kicks made out of tofu? "That's gold, Jerry! Gold!" "A shoe about nothing."

But don't shed a stilted, George Lucas-directed tear for Queen Amidala: With a flawed business model from inception, an unmarketable product line and excessive overhead costs, The Natalie Portman Collection For Té Casan meets the requirements for an immediate government bailout.

"Why the f**k not, right?" commented Hank Paulson, addressing whether Portman's super-sweet company is eligible to receive financial assistance from the $700 billion bailout package. "Did you see Closer? Oh, the movie is a celluloid turd, but Portman moonlights as a stripper! I would definitely take a billion dollar equity stake in that hiney! Someone hand me your checkbook."

Proposition 8: The Musical

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

A hodgepodge of Hollywood celebs offer a rib-tickling protest against Proposition 8, exposing the hypocrisy of gay marriage opponents.

Normally, I detest celebrity forays into the political realm (e.g., if you tell me to vote or reverse-psychology not to vote one more time, I will slit my wrists), but this is star power used with welcome effect.

God Save Kentucky. No, Really, That's A Serious Plea.

According to a story on Fox News, a group of those damned (get it?) Atheists are at it again, trying to allege that a clause in the Kentucky state anti-terrorism law of 2002 that requires the Office of Homeland Security in KY (ever wonder why a state where sodomy is illegal is abbreviated as such?) to post a plaque saying that the safety of the state "cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon almighty God." Uh oh. Does that mean God only protects the devout? Or is the belief by most Kentuckians enough to save the rest by the transitive property of equality? Does the hypotenuse of prayer from one corner of the state mean the other two corners... oh, let's just see what else the plaque says:

The plaque, posted at the Kentucky Emergency Operations Center in Frankfort, includes the Bible verse: "Except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain."

"It is one of the most egregiously and breathtakingly unconstitutional actions by a state legislature that I've ever seen," said Edwin F. Kagin, national legal director of Parsippany, N.J.-based American Atheists Inc. The group claims the law violates both the state and U.S. constitutions.

The article then goes on to interview several prominent idiots from Kentucky, who apparently also happen to be state representatives, and they respectfully disagree with those Godless heathens from New Jersey. (writer's note: Parsippany sucks it. I've been there.) But the Atheists struck back, and it was just mean:

Kentucky isn't the only state dealing with religious issues, but Ed Buckner, president of American Atheists, said it's alone in officially enlisting God in homeland security.

"I'm not aware of any other state or commonwealth that is attempting to dump their clear responsibility for protecting their citizens onto God or any other mythological creature," Buckner said.

Ha. Actually, that was kinda funny. But it raises a good point. What about if Kentucky's Department of Homeland Security called upon the Flying Spaghetti Monster to defend its citizenry? That would probably not go over as well. But it would be a lot more delicious.

Gotham...Will Be...Destroyed.

News flash: a major attack using a chemical, biological or nuclear weapon could occur in the next few years somewhere at some time. These are the chillingly general and frighteningly unhelpful conclusions of a new study conducted by study by the Commission on the Prevention of WMD Proliferation and Terrorism (yes, that's the name. No, there's no acronym or anything. Try saying that ten times fast.) and leaked to ABC News in advance of the report's release today. Just take a look at the horrible predictions:

"The commission believes that unless the world community acts decisively and with great urgency, it is more likely than not that a weapon of mass destruction will be used in a terrorist attack somewhere in the world by the end of 2013."

Oh really? Gee, thanks guys. Somewhere in the world at some point in time in the next four years, eh? This is like calling the Psychic Friends network. I fully expect Dionne Warwick to be prominently involved.

Oh, sure, the report goes on, as summarized here, to be a tad more specific, but really it's just riddled with generalities. Yeah, terrorists are going to try to get chemical, biological or nuclear weapons and use them. We know this - we did not need to commission a study to find this out. But one passage of this was particularly terrifying - if you live in Gotham City:

"The acquisition of deadly pathogens, and their weaponization and dissemination in aerosol form, would entail fewer technical hurdles than the theft or production of weapons-grade uranium or plutonium and its assembly into an improvised nuclear device," the report argues.

Wait a tick - weaponizing aerosol pathogens and such... that sounds a lot like what the League of Shadows was trying to do in the Narrows!! Now I understand. Now it all makes sense... this report was released by Batman under his nom de plume, Commission on the Prevention of WMD Proliferation and Terrorism. Ah, I see, Mr. Wayne - I read you loud and clear. Though, may I say, your pen-name could use a little work. So the basic message is this: Stay out of Gotham until 2014 - or until Monday, when The Dark Knight DVD goes on sale.

Our National Religion

'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'

Are you kidding me, America? Get a f**king grip:

A worker was killed in the crush Friday after a throng of shoppers eager for post-Thanksgiving bargains burst through the doors at a suburban Wal-Mart, authorities said.

Police say a Wal-Mart worker has died after being trampled by a throng of unruly shoppers shortly after the Long Island store opened Friday.

At least four other people were injured, and the store in Valley Stream on Long Island was closed.

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. in Bentonville, Ark., called the incident a "tragic situation" and said the employee came from a temporary agency and was doing maintenance work at the store

Good to see that as the Secularists continue to wage war on Christmas, the holy spirit of Jesus Christ imbues Wal-Mart parishioners searching for the immaculate bargain.

And, Jesus Christ! You a-holes just killed a man in a mad rush for Japanese robot dogs at 30% off. You valued his innocent life a shade under the price fetched by a Nintendo Wii on blue light special. Happy Holidays to those moms and dads, brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, who snagged the last Tickle Me Elmo Extreme in stock, undaunted by the horrific sound of human bones breaking under their feet. Collateral damage I guess - your kid really wanted that doll. Besides, the blood splatters seamlessly mix into Elmo's red fur.

Just like the 200 who died during a stampede at a Hindu festival in Jodhpur last month, religious fanaticism in America causes death on its high holy day: Black Friday. Representatives of the National Church of Materialism would not return our calls for comment.

By the way, the very first Commandment is "you shall have no other gods before me," you despicable consumer ghouls. Yet you worship that pile of apocryphal sh*t in your shopping cart, praying for its divine power to absolve human sins and pettiness perpetrated on the 364 days other than Christmas.

I wonder what Jesus would say to all this.

***UPDATE***: Black Friday. The War at home:


***UPDATE***: "Reasonable conservative" blogger John Swift calls on President Bush to pardon Long Island tramplers:

Police in Valley Stream, New York, are reviewing videotapes to attempt to identify exuberant Black Friday shoppers who trampled to death a Wal-Mart worker who made the tragic mistake of getting between them and some very remarkable bargains. Prosecutors may even try to score cheap political points by filing criminal charges against some of these bargain hunters, who have been called “savages” and “animals" by demagogues in the liberal media.

Of course, my heart goes out to the family of this man who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but while it is unfortunate that someone got hurt, capitalism is not a dinner party. There will always be some collateral damage in a free market. Socialists who hate capitalism are now trying to scapegoat these patriotic Americans who celebrated an American tradition by rising before dawn on the day after Thanksgiving to express their love of this country by partaking of the bounties of the free enterprise system. How can those of us who were not there judge people on the front lines of the Christmas shopping rush? Can we honestly say that we would not have rushed past or over this unfortunate man on the way to grabbing the last plasma TV or Wii to bring some Christmas joy to our children?

After 9/11 President Bush said that the best way to defeat the terrorists was to “go shopping.” Should we now condemn those who took him at his word? If he meant what he said, then before he leaves office President Bush should issue a blanket pardon to these high-spirited consumers to head off this assault not only on Americans who were just trying to make Christmas a little better for their families in these trying economic times but on the capitalist system itself.

Yes, I can honestly say that I would not have rushed past a man getting squashed to death by stampeding herds of consumer "savages" and "animals," hoping to score a Star Wars bobble head for their fat brats at the cost of human life.

Good rule of thumb: when you encounter "reasonable" or "intelligent" modifying the word "conservative," expect unreasonableness and unintelligence. A reasonable conservative is an oxymoron in the contextual realm of pundits' blather.

ODB "Likes It Raw," But Not This Raw Deal

Dead at 36, Russell Jones, a.k.a. Ol' Dirty Bastard, a.k.a, Dirt McGirt, a.k.a. Big Baby Jesus, allowed MTV cameras to accompany him in a limo to a New York City welfare office to get his family's allotment of food stamps. Citibank prefers a private jet to Washington D.C, but travels with similar irony.

From a Malkin reader, fed up:

I have been a Citibank cardholder since 2002. I have a better than average credit score and a perfect payment history with Citibank. My current APR on my Citibank credit card is 7.99%. Yesterday, the same day I find out Citibank is receiving $25 billion in bailout cash from our tax dollars, I received a notice with my billing statement stating my APR would nearly double to 14.99%.

You're supposed to use bailout (i.e., taxpayer) monies to extend credit, not hike rates and screw your customers. You're supposed to use bailout (i.e., taxpayer) monies to restore a measure of fiscal sanity and forethought to your blundering corporate management, not reap a congressional windfall, then double-recover on the back end.

I cannot stomach these sinister CEO suits appearing before our nincompoop Congress, playing Oliver Twist, begging for some more government soup, with their shit-eating grins and their "shit happens" philosophy on operating a company, all the while sleeping on Egyptian cotton sheets with four-digit thread counts. You should be wearing a barrel with suspenders, you financial sector f**k-sticks! Hit the pavement! Use the sidewalk as a pillow, you captains of failed industry! Your dimwitted leadership isn't worth the paper you print your cooked books on.

I cannot take much more of this economic crisis. I think I'm cracking. Calgon, "take me away!" Or don't:

The maker of Calgon, who's slogan was "take me away" and Mr. Bubble has filed for bankruptcy.

Ascendia Brands Inc. has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protectionand said it would try to sell itself.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Sh*t! Dammit! Bail them out! Do it now!

The Rule of Law: or whatever

News is coming out of Washington today that likely will slip under the radar, but which should be of major concern to anyone who still maintains quaint notions about personal liberty, freedom and the rule of law. As noted on Drudge, with the oh so cute title "Passe Comitatus Act," MSNBC is reporting that the Pentagon has plans to deploy 20,000 uniformed soldiers within the United States to "help state and local officials respond to a nuclear terrorist attack or other domestic catastrophe."

Now, I may not have finished law school while pursuing my PhD in astrophysics at Cal Tech, so while I may not technically be a lawyer, I am a Julliard-trained rocket scientist. What's my point? Great question. Point is, there is a 130 year old federal statute -- the Posse Comitatus Act of 1878 -- that expressly forbids the United States military from engaging in domestic law enforcement activities. Just another example of the Bush Administration using the omnipresent threat of "terrorism" to bend, suspend and outright ignore binding and longstanding federal law. Every time we allow them to do this, we lose a bit of ourselves. Federal law prohibiting torturing prisoners? No problem, it's to fight terror so it's ok. Federal law prohibiting warrantless wire-taps? No problem, war on terror. Federal law prohibiting holding prisoner without charges? No problem, war on terror. Federal law prohibiting the federal government from using the U.S. military to engage in domestic law enforcement? No problem, war on terror.

Disney Theme Park Ride, Movie Trilogy Terrorize International Community

Let me get this straight - governments around the world have paid $150 million just this year to PIRATES? Like, pirates on the high seas, as reported here, with peg legs and parrots? The Somali pirate leader, pictured at left, has demanded $2 million and some Max Factor products at cost be sent to them for the release of a trawler taken hostage.

Goddamn - that's a lot more than I'm making. Time to put on some mascara and grab me-self a saber.

Yo, ho, yo, ho...

Happy Thanksgiving

Economic Patriotism

In his interview with Barbara Walters, President-Elect Obama asks for simple decency this holiday season:

WALTERS: Should bank executives -- it's almost Christmas time -- forgo their bonuses?

OBAMA: I think they should. That's an example of taking responsibility. I think that if you are already worth tens of millions of dollars, and you are having to lay off workers, the least you can do is say, "I'm willing to make some sacrifice as well, because I recognize that there are people who are a lot less well off, who are going through some pretty tough times."

How much is enough, Gordon Gekkos? People are suffering while you pad your wallets. How much is enough?

"Articulate Advocacy . . . Thank You, Sarah Palin"

A California-based political action committee, Our Country Deserves Better, will unveil a series of advertisements this Thanksgiving week giving . . . um . . . thanks . . . to vanquished GOP vice presidential candidate Governor Sarah Palin. The group thanks Sarah for her "articulate advocacy of common sense conservative values" (hahaha - I'm sorry, but I did chuckle typing this snippet) and then closes with a female doppelganger of Wilford Brimley issuing an urgent request for the Governor's moose chili recipe:


Hahaha - articulate advocacy. Man that's a gut-buster there also, you betcha.

My holiday present to the good folks at Our Country Deserves Better (who had no love loss for Barack Obama during the final weeks of the campaign): A wonderful montage of Sarah's most articulate moments:


Thank you for those interviews, Sarah. Please run in 2012.

Joe The Television Repairman

Say it ain't so, Joe? Death to analog!

Red Dawn?

The commie bastards took our McGriddles! Wolverines!!!

Oh damn. Gird your loins, folks!

Russian Professor Igor Panarin, described as a "leading Russian political analyst," predicts a new dawn for Mother Russia spawned from the economic collapse of the United States of America (courtesy of Drudge):

Professor Igor Panarin said in an interview with the respected daily IZVESTIA published on Monday: "The dollar is not secured by anything. The country's foreign debt has grown like an avalanche, even though in the early 1980s there was no debt. By 1998, when I first made my prediction, it had exceeded $2 trillion. Now it is more than 11 trillion. This is a pyramid that can only collapse."

The paper said Panarin's dire predictions for the U.S. economy, initially made at an international conference in Australia 10 years ago at a time when the economy appeared strong, have been given more credence by this year's events. When asked when the U.S. economy would collapse, Panarin said: "It is already collapsing. Due to the financial crisis, three of the largest and oldest five banks on Wall Street have already ceased to exist, and two are barely surviving. Their losses are the biggest in history. Now what we will see is a change in the regulatory system on a global financial scale: America will no longer be the world's financial regulator."

When asked who would replace the U.S. in regulating world markets, he said: "Two countries could assume this role: China, with its vast reserves, and Russia, which could play the role of a regulator in Eurasia."

Then, after a brief consultation with Michael Bay, the Ruskie pedagogue took it one step further; a geographic collapse for America as well?:

[Panarin] predicted that the U.S. will break up into six parts - the Pacific coast, with its growing Chinese population; the South, with its Hispanics; Texas, where independence movements are on the rise; the Atlantic coast, with its distinct and separate mentality; five of the poorer central states with their large Native American populations; and the northern states, where the influence from Canada is strong.

He even suggested that "we could claim Alaska - it was only granted on lease, after all." Panarin, 60, is a professor at the Diplomatic Academy of the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and has authored several books on information warfare.

The "Office of the President-Elect" responded to Panarin's prognostication with caution: "Just to be clear, while President-Elect Obama strongly disagrees with Mr. Panarin's despicable remarks, he looks forward to a constructive dialogue over the fate of Alaska."

UK Introduces New ID Card System, Codename "Older Sibling"

As I have written before here, it irks me when holier-than-thou foreigners pat us on the back for the election of Barack Obama, saying things like "we didn't think you had it in you, old chaps!" America is imperfect, but it's the most perfectly imperfect country ever devised by the hand of man. Yes, with all its flaws, it is still the greatest country in the history of history - put that in your pipe and smoke it Luxembourg.

What really gets my goat is many Euros talking about how they didn't think such a racist country could ever see its way clear to electing a black president. This sort of attitude infuriates me, because only one who had put their ethnic house in complete order should say something as pedantic. And, as anyone with even a rudimentary knowledge of European history (and I'm not talking about World War II - I'm talking about RECENT history) knows or who has taken a cursory glance at a website or newspaper covering European politics in the last few years understands, "the Continent" is anything but when it comes to racial, religious and ethnic equality.

But the folks that I hold to the highest standards because of their close relationship and shared origins are the Brits. And the Brits today, as reported here, showed conclusively that they are moving backwards, not forwards, in this area:

Britain has begun a national identity card plan for some foreign nationals in an attempt to combat terrorism and identity fraud. Opponents say it represents a costly erosion of civil liberties. The program has been debated heatedly for several years. The cards are expected to store biometric data and information about the cardholder's nationality and work eligibility.
The first group to receive the new cards will be foreign students and permanent residents' spouses who apply for visa renewals. Officials expect more than 50,000 cards to be issued in the next four months and that the program will be expanded in coming years.

This topic has been hotly debated in Britain for several years since passage of the 2006 Identity Cards Act which gave the green light to this system (you can read more about it here). But what does this really mean for Brits? What should they expect? The answers might frighten you if you hold your freedom and civil liberties precious and think it is important to protect minorities within your country:

Under the NIR ("National Identity Register"), UK Residents with an ID card will be required to fulfil certain functions:
-Attend in person to be photographed, have their fingerprints taken and iris scanned.
-Promptly inform the police or Home Office if a card is lost or damaged.
-Promptly inform the National Identity Register of any change of address.
-Promptly inform the National Identity Register of any prescribed change of circumstances affecting the information recorded about them in the Register.

Whoa - everyone who gets an ID card will be fingerprinted and have their eyes scanned? Are you kidding me? We are not fighting Europa. We are now fighting Oceana.

Well, how are you rolling this out - is this a requirement for everyone? This isn't being "targeted" at certain segments of the population, right?

The first to receive ID cards will be foreign nationals, from 25 November 2008, and the Government intends to follow this up by offering young people ID cards in 2010. Ordinary British citizens will then be offered (on a voluntary basis at first, but later in larger volumes) ID cards from 2011 to 2012.

Oh good, so "ordinary" British citizens won't need an ID card until at least 2012 if not later - but foreign nationals need one starting this week? Well, I'm sure the scope of what this will be used for will be limited. You know, just preventing identity theft or for customs purposes:

For example, Gordon Brown was reported to be "planning a massive expansion of the ID cards project that would widen surveillance of everyday life by allowing high-street businesses to share confidential information with police databases."[57] He apparently described how "police could be alerted as soon as a wanted person used a biometric-enabled cash card or even entered a building via an iris-scan door."[58]

Ah, I see. Good, so limitless surveillance. Excellent. And at least it isn't targeting minorities or people who have been in the country for a short period of time, foreigners, things like that. Y'know - the dangerous elements. The ones you need to keep an eye on. Hey - if they have nothing to hide, they shouldn't care, right?

Good thing you Brits are around to pat us on the back for our progress in electing a black president. We can really take a cue from you chaps about how to treat everyone equally, openly and with respect. Speaking of which, tell me again the last minority prime minister you folks elected? Simply goes to show you that no matter what it is we get wrong here - and we gets lots of stuff wrong -everyone else will inevitably get it wronger.

Next time you complain about that DMV line, remember that at least they aren't fingerprinting you or scanning your iris. Liberal or conservative, be glad you're an American - where at least you know you're free (from compulsory biometric identification and registration).

The Very Last Samurai (We're Sure This Time)

Tom Cruise, method actor, may still be inhabiting Nathan Algren, his role as a drunk, has-been American army hero turned Japanese rebel in The Last Samurai:

LOS ANGELES (AP) — A security guard shot and killed a man wielding two Samurai swords Sunday on the grounds of a Scientology building in Hollywood, police said.

The unidentified man approached three guards around noon in the parking lot of the Scientology Celebrity Centre, Los Angeles Deputy Police Chief Terry S. Hara said.

The man was "close enough to hurt them" when one of the guards shot him, Hara said. Detectives were questioning the guard to figure out the swordsman's motive and determine whether the shooting was justified.

Surveillance tape showed the man arriving at the center's parking lot in a red convertible, then approaching the guards with a sword in each hand, Hara said.

When asked for comment on the unfortunate death of the sword-wielding attacker, Cruise responded, "no . . . I will tell you how he lived."

Those Evangelicals: Always Banging. Wait - what?

Honestly, I can't do the article justice, so please just read it for yourselves here. Long story short: Texas evangelical pastor challenges congregation (the marrieds, of course, no single tag-along fornicators) to have sex every day for a week.

It's really worth a read. It's an interesting idea. Frankly, I'd like to hear more talk like this from the Religious Right. At least then there's something we can agree on: more sex.

But - and I can't believe I'm doing this - I understand what they're getting at here, but sex is truly a complicated subject and perhaps this is just too flippant. Wow - really? I'm calling evangelical preachers too flippant about sex? Wow, I really am my mother. Where was I? Oh, right. Anyhow, my point is that this was meant as a closeness/bonding exercise, but simply having sex every day for a week does not fix deep issues and divides between two people - in fact, the pressure of it might even exacerbate them. And, frankly, some people don't have the time, energy, good-health or even interest in having sex every day - even for a week. Sex is as individual as every person is, and a call-to-groins such as this can be a boon to some but serve to further alienate those for whom the bedroom is a house of marital horrors. Listen, sex by itself does not fix all things. It is not a balm that heals all wounds. Believe me, I've been rubbing myself with it for years and I'm still as sick as before. Theoretically. Metaphorically. Double entendre. Whatever - hand me a tissue.

However, on the other hand (get it? get it? dude, I'm trying here...), what the flock do I know - I've been married four times, not counting the time I briefly married Brit-Brit in Vegas. All I'm saying is that I think their, um, heart (or whatever organ) was in the right place, but perhaps this skews too far in the other direction from the normal "keep your ankles covered, you harlot" attitude of many conservatives. How about some nice middle-ground sexual politics from evangelicals? Indeed, how about some nice middle ground sexual politics for us all.

No? How about just some nice sex for all of us? Eh? Eh, comrades? Sigh. Hand me that Lubriderm, will ya'?

Obama to Reboot WPA

Barack Obama is looking towards our collective future while borrowing from our past, apparently. The last time this country was in such a financial downward spiral, a visionary named Franklin - the to-that-point far lesser known fifth cousin of an older and bolder dude named Teddy - became president and rammed through quasi-Socialist legislation to turn this country into a pseudo-Socialist regime. Or so some like to Monday Morning Quarterback still, seventy years later. So, fittingly, pinko-Communist President-Elect Obama is reaching into the past and taking a page directly from FDR's "get us the hell out of this not-so-Great Depression" playbook. Obama announced his economic plan... and I feel like I've heard it before:

President-elect Barack Obama promoted an economic plan Saturday he said would create 2.5 million jobs by rebuilding roads and bridges and modernizing schools while developing alternative energy sources and more efficient cars.

Building roads? Building bridges? Modernization projects? Flying cars? Sounds to me like the Works Progress Administration, Version 2.008 (never heard of it? Educate thyself here).

Well, sounds well and good, Barack. But let's not forget that the Great War, not the WPA, was ultimately responsible for finally kicking the dust off of American industry and throttling the Great Depression. Not that the WPA (and its other be-acronym'd cousins) didn't build some great roads, bridges and dams. And if I get my flying car technology, then it's a raging success. But it does beg the question:

So, President-Elect-Comrade Obama... if we're really reliving the Great Depression, who are we going to attack to get out of it?

Gobble Gobble Also

Upon witnessing the carnage of turkey mass genocide in Wasilla this morning, Schindler Palin clucks "I could have done more. I should have done more."

"And cut. Hmmmm, still don't think we have the shot, Governor. I got to have more turkey slaughter in the background. Chip, can we have him grind more turkeys this time? Super. From the top: Scene 2, Sarah Palin presser at turkey concentration camp. Action!"

This woman deserves writing credit for the Daily Show.

SPECIAL POTATOE UPDATE: We're all gonna die!!!

A new report released by the intelligence community and summarized here (and in full here) predicts the state of the world in 2025. And let's just say that things don't sound good...

"The world of the near future will be subject to an increased likelihood of conflict over resources, including food and water, and will be haunted by the persistence of rogue states and terrorist groups with greater access to nuclear weapons," said the report by the National Intelligence Council.

Okay, so fights over food, water and the threat of nuclear terrorism, especially, the report predictably claims, in the Middle East. Sounds like the new (crappy) Bond movie, only without any hot chicks. The report also says that not only is global warming real, but that the smart investor would start putting their money in dollars as a result... CANADIAN dollars, that is...

The report, a year in the making, said that global warming will aggravate the scarcity of water, food and energy resources. Citing a British study, it said that climate change could force up to 200 million people to migrate to more temperate zones. "Widening gaps in birth rates and wealth-to-poverty ratios, and the impact of climate change, could further exacerbate tensions," it said. The report says the warming earth will extend Russia and Canada's growing season and ease their access to northern oil fields, strengthening their economies.

The bottom line of the report was that for those of us who have grown up in a world where the United States was the ultimate power in the universe, there are a few new Death Stars on the rise:

Although the United States is likely to remain the single most powerful actor, the United States' relative strength -- even in the military realm -- will decline and US leverage will become more strained.

Predictably, countries like India, China and Russia were forecast to start making like the Tampa Bay Rays - the butt of jokes no longer, and younger, faster and more dynamic than those old stalwarts, the bellwether Yanks. (see how it has two meanings!) Bottom line: all things remaining the same and equal, America is slip-sliding from its untouchable perch. And the intelligence community just confirmed it in writing.

Is there any good news? Well, actually, yes - there is:

The intelligence community expects that terrorism would survive until 2025, but in slightly different form, suggesting that Al Qaeda's "terrorist wave" might be breaking up. "Al Qaeda's inability to attract broad-based support might cause it to decay sooner than people think," it said. ...[Also o]n a positive note it added that an alternative to oil might be in place by 2025.

The alternative to oil, apparently, will be the energy generated by the mushroom clouds all over the Middle East, but you've got to look at the bright side.

She's Business Class

Here, have another one, on the house.

OTTAWA (Reuters) - Obese people have the right to two seats for the price of one on flights within Canada, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled on Thursday.

The high court declined to hear an appeal by Canadian airlines of a decision by the Canadian Transportation Agency that people who are "functionally disabled by obesity" deserve to have two seats for one fare.

No word on whether the high court will also consider the companion action seeking two complimentary meals with those seats.

Joe The Plumber Finally Gets His Book Deal

Of course he did. I'd rather read binary code during a simultaneous root canal/rectal exam.

Working title: "An American Floater: The Story of One's Citizen Refusal to be Flushed Away into the Sewer of Identity Politics." Cover photo to the left. Foreword to be penned by Ashley "Backwards B" Todd. Hannity has already committed a jacket blurb sight unseen: "This is the greatest book God has established in the history of the world."

The Potatoe has been granted an exclusive first look at the opening sentences of Chapter 1, nonsensically titled: "If he looks like a Muslim, has a name like a Muslim, hates Israel like a Muslim, then he sure ain't a duck":

Behold! On the stump like a snow hill. It is Barack Obama. Mmmm. I like dark meat.

I furtively moved forward through his adoring mob of apostles, trying not to arouse suspicion, reflecting sunshine into the inquisitive eyes of this enemy hoard with my gleaming bald noggin, tactically buffed to a shimmer, a trick I picked up snaking drains outside Cambodia in '68.

I was a hero then too; our boys never felt the cringe of humiliation seeing toilet water cresting over the top of the bowl after releasing an ungodly monster sh*t in the latrine. Not on Joe's watch.

So I had been here before, called to doody (i.e., a pun right there) by the demands of my country. Time to play the hero again, Joe, against another communist foe.

Was I afraid? In the words of our 2012 President, Sarah Palin, "you betcha." But the training keeps you steady - once you've swam through a 50-foot cesspool of sh*t-smelling foulness the likes of which you cannot begin to imagine as a civilian, fear takes on the redolence of roses. I eat pieces of sh*t like Barack Sadam Hussein Obama Bin-Laden for breakfast. Let's do this thing!

The fetid stench of Marxism and my poopy-smelling t-shirt, moist and stank from morning appointments, hung heavy over the crowd. But I, undaunted. Ready to take on a Kenyan-born would-be dictator. Oh no. Not on Joe's watch. I f**king love Israel . . .

From what we've read so far, An American Floater is a well-received, poignant Bildungsroman novelette snatched from the still-beating heart of German Enlightenment, as its protagonist, citizen Joe, a pulpy denizen of the real realm, an uber-slob sentinel of the proletariat, the deserving scion of the rustic, vulgar Romanticism within Emile Zola's Germinal, sprouts, blossoms and embodies the American polemic, given martyrdom by liberal schadenfreude, as he bends, but never breaks, becoming the Zeitgeist of his moment.

Or, it's a piece of sh*t.

Economic Hot Potatoe

Too soon, Chevy Volt. Too soon.

During campaigns no one likes to play the blame game. On the Hill, however, it's everyone's fault except the public servant in the mirror:

For now, however, with the federal emergency loan plan stalled in the Senate, lawmakers in both parties are engaged in a high-stakes game of chicken, positioning themselves to blame each other for the failure.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., scrapped plans Wednesday for a vote on a bill to carve $25 billion in new auto industry loans out of the $700 billion Wall Street rescue fund.
It's really up to Bush's team to act, he said.

"I don't believe we need the legislation," Reid said. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson can tap the financial industry bailout money to help auto companies, Reid said, but "he just doesn't want to do it."

Not our responsibility, countered the White House.

"If Congress leaves for a two-month vacation without having addressed this important issue ... then the Congress will bear responsibility for anything that happens in the next couple of months during their long vacation," said Dana Perino, the White House press secretary.

You think the American people will be fair and discriminating with the truckloads (Japanese manufactured trucks, 50 miles to the gallon) of blame at their disposal when Detroit goes belly up and the sky falls? Keep telling yourself that, Dana.

And not giving a red government cent to the Big Idiot 3 (i.e., America's Lenny Smalls to Japan's George Miltons: Honda, Toyota, Nissan) might be the most thoughtful and prudent action within this economic sh*tstorm. But if the proverbial "do-nothing" Congress wants to now, in fact, do nothing, then own the damn thing. Don't leave a flaming bag of auto industry poo on the White House's front step, play "ring and run," then fly your lobbyist-paid-for private jet down to Barbados for two months (for that matter, who the f**k takes two-month paid vacations besides new mothers on maternity leave?!?! Henry Waxman, you better show me one hideous-looking troll-baby before you're excused from the legislation table. Christ, even the retarded Texan only spends a month at a time clearing brush at the Crawford Ranch).

"A high stakes game of chicken?" When did our elected officials go all Rebel Without A Cause on us? Take off the leather jacket, Barney Frank. You are not cool!

Oh my God! I think I just became a pure fiscal conservative. Let's make the Bush tax cuts permanent. I don't want these feckless Beltway dolts taking another dollar of taxpayer money to spend frivolously on a bailout for eHarmony or Arby's.

You are no longer sound stewards of our money. No taxation without representation. Not one of you represents me.

They're Coming To Your Town!

America? Now the "rainbow city upon a hill" because you capitulated to gay militants and their potentate, Tim Gunn. Holla at your boy, Tony Perkins!

A new instructional DVD released by the American Family Association teaches yokels how to prevent gay activists from taking over their town's council and promulgating Cher's birthday as a local holiday. Here's the plot line (use the link for the trailer as well):

Residents of the small Arkansas town of Eureka Springs noticed the homosexual community was growing. But they felt no threat. They went about their business as usual. Then, one day, they woke up to discover that their beloved Eureka Springs, a community which was known far and wide as a center for Christian entertainment--had changed. The City Council had been taken over by a small group of homosexual activists.

The Eureka Springs they knew is gone. It is now a national hub for homosexuals. Eureka Springs is becoming the San Francisco of Arkansas. The story of how this happened is told in the new AFA DVD “They’re Coming To Your Town.”

Now, Eureka Springs suffers the fate of its sister springs, Palm Springs, and writhes in eternal damnation as the gay spring break mecca for leather-chap clad legions east of the Mississippi. "It's been awful. One day I'm serving Coors Light cans. The next I'm elbows deep in my recipes book looking for something weird called a 'Cosmo'. I'm at my breaking point. How many times can one man hear the phrase 'hot mess' during a shift," carped Jimmy Bob Billy-Bob, local and barkeep at the popular Eureka Springs watering hole "Harvey Firestein's" (recently changing its name from "Straight Shooters" under new ownership).

American Family Association? Family Research Council? Why does bigotry always come under the guise of the family? Don't gay people have families too or are they generated in laboratories? Godless liberal scientists!

Forgive me for not shaking hands

Sure, maybe Dana Perino can look at this video and spin it in a way to suggest that it was President Bush's choice not to shake hands with all the world leaders at the G-20 summit Saturday, but somehow that's not how I read it.



Maybe in his final weeks as POTUS Bush is trying to bring back George Washington and John Adams's practice...

Never Say "Bachmann" Five Times Into A Mirror

Like any good movie baddie, Michelle Bachmann is back. You thought she was dead, but she is not. Sure, the villagers may have burned down her castle with torches, but Bachmann cannot be killed by any contrivance of man. Every time I see her, the creepy piano score from Halloween clicks on inside my head.

You see, Michelle Bachmann is an urban legend. She is Keyser Söze. She does not exist. Or, should I say, the words that come out of her mouth and are captured on film do not exist. You might recall that a while back, Michelle called for the media to do an expose on members of Congress and "find out if they are pro-America or anti-America," in addition to saying that she was “very concerned” that Barack Obama “may have anti-American views.” If you've been reading this blog - and judging by the attendance figures, you haven't - you might recall Sidecar and Warm Apple Pie's raging hard-on of hatred for Michelle, expressed here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and, finally, here.

Well, as it turns out, that was all a figment of their imagination - and ours. You see, Michelle never said those things. As Politico reports here for the benefit of us simpletons who didn't pick up the phone for days after seeing The Ring, Bachmann never said any of that. Those comments are, in her words, spoken - naturally - on Fox News, an "urban legend." Let Bloody Mary herself tell you:

Asked about the comment Tuesday night on Fox’s “Hannity & Colmes,” Bachmann said, “That’s not what I said at all.” “You've said you were concerned during the campaign that Obama had anti-American views. You said the news media should do a penetrating expose and take a look at the views of the people in Congress and find out if they're pro or anti America,” host Alan Colmes said. “It's an urban legend that was created,” she responded. “That isn't what I said at all.”

Absolutely, positively not what she said. Totally not what almost cost her a congressional seat. Without question not the reason the GOP pulled its funding for her campaign. And, further and finally, absolutely not what she said in the following clip:



Please. Next the Liberal Media is going to be telling us that drinking Coke and eating Pop Rocks makes your stomach explode.

We'll Do It Live (The Club Remix)

This song is huge in Germany in 1938. And even The Potatoe is not immune to Hitler analogies.

Say It Ain't So, Mark!

Get ready to dance again, Mark.

I've always respected Mark Cuban, and will continue to do so until the government carries its burden of proof:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks professional basketball team, was charged with insider trading in shares of Mamma.com Inc, an Internet search engine firm, the Securities and Exchange Commission said on Monday.

Cuban, one of the five finalists to buy the Chicago Cubs pro baseball team, faces civil charges by acting on nonpublic information and selling shares of Mamma.com to avoid more than $750,000 in losses, the SEC alleged.

Sorry, Cubs fans. Looks like Mr. Cuban might be a bit too busy this coming year to own your 100 years of misery.

***UPDATE***: From Mark Cuban's blog: "I wish I could say more, but I will have to leave it to this, and let the judicial process do its job."

Also on the blog, Cuban's defense counsel, Stephen A. Best, from Dewey & LeBoeuf, responds to the SEC charges with an excerpt of his interview with the former CEO of Mamma.com Inc., stating Cuban made no verbal response to the offer of confidential information.

Hitler Was Nut(s)?

No shock here. You need two to complete the conquest of Europe (except for France, where a vagina will suffice).

Talking Points Memo: The Day In 100 Seconds

Nothing gives me more comfort when the Dow dips below the 8000 mark than seeing Gene Simmons on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, pumping up the Kiss Army, drolly predicting that, yes, Kiss condoms will get the economy "comin' and goin' again."

Barack, how about a cabinet post for Gene? We'll use his tongue to lick our wounds during the coming "recession" (if the word "recession" actually mean "depression").

Dirty Gene and the rest of today's ridiculousness in brief courtesy of TPM.

Moose Knuckled Under

ESPN reports that Yankees pitcher Mike Mussina will retire. He gets his 20-win season and calls it quits, no doubt whining about something when making his decision.

Is he a HOFer? No Cy Young Awards. No ERA titles. Never the best pitcher in the league in any given year. Only one 20-win season, despite playing on good teams for most of his career.

Verdict: Stewed.

Hahahaha - sank you, I be here all da veek.

Down Goes Stevens! Down Goes Stevens!

Look, Ted, piece of advice. On your first day in the joint, find the biggest guy in the lunch hall and blast his teeth in. But after that, pick him up off the ground and share your cornbread with him. See, the inmates will fear you, but respect you. They'll know you're a man not to be trifled with, but you live by a code. Other than that, don't drop the soap:

ANCHORAGE, Alaska – Sen. Ted Stevens, the longest serving Republican in Senate history, narrowly lost his re-election bid Tuesday, marking the downfall of a Washington political power and Alaska icon who couldn't survive a conviction on federal corruption charges. His defeat by Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich moves Senate Democrats within two seats of a filibuster-proof 60-vote majority . . .

Tuesday's tally of just over 24,000 absentee and other ballots gave Begich 150,728, or 47.76 percent, to 147,004, or 46.58 percent, for Stevens. There are about 2,500 overseas ballots yet to be counted.

In a related story, Sarah Palin announced she will fill the senatorial vacancy created by former senator Ted Stevens's departure to prison. When told that Mark Begich won and there was no void to fill, Palin responded, "But it has to be about job creation also, daggonit."

***UPDATE***: Convicted felon Ted Stevens concedes the election in a prepared statement. In another prepared statement, Big Bubba Muldoon, Stevens's future cellmate, welcomed the Former Senator to the care and custody of the Alaska Department of Corrections: "I'm gonna turn out that punk b*tch. Betta watch your old ass, fresh fish!"

Al-Qaeda translator to Obama: We Know Bad Words!!

So, the #2 man in Al-Qaeda, Ayman al-Zawahiri, today announced that President-Elect Obama, along with other notable black people such as secretaries of state Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice, are "house Negroes."

That's not the story though. See the story isn't that HE said that. HE actually did NOT say that. Actually, what he said, according to Fox News, translates literally from Arabic to "house slaves." But the translator over at Al-Qaeda - who graciously provided the English subtitles - wanted to make sure we understood that this was a RACIAL epithet and not simply a garden-variety insult, and added the subtitle "house Negroes" rather than "house slaves."

Good to know they are doing their market research about how best to make statements as degrading and insulting as possible. We don't want to lose anything in translation, guys.

Intelligent Conservatism Seeks A Bailout

By way of Wonkette, Kathryn Jean Lopez, editor of National Review Online, strapped for cash, goes all AIG on us, putting out a suntanned hand, begging for chump change:

Re: Cruising [Kathryn Jean Lopez]

I’m getting a number of e-mails from people who complain that we have some nerve asking for money after spending on a cruise last week. I totally understand how that looks bad. But here’s what you need to know: The reason we do these cruises is they bring in money. It’s another fundraiser. And rather than tanning in the Bahamas, we do work — panels, interviews, dinner, lunch, and other discussions. I tell you that not to whine — its a nice thing to work with a little sun in the cabin window vs. the usual Lexington Avenue noise. But we don’t do these as staff vacation perks. The time spent is an investment in the conservative future — because it supports NR and because real conversations happen, with policymakers, with young people, with supporters.

And like I said in my pitch today, National Review in all its forms has always and I suspect will always, rely on readers. Thank you again.

According to its pledge drive page, a donation of $2500 or more gets you the following:

A) “Thank You” letter and token of appreciation
B) Quarterly Publisher update
C) Listing in Annual Report
D) Monthly e-mail from NR editor/writer
E) Quarterly donor newsletter
F) Early access to cruise reservations
G) Quarterly conference call with NR writer/editor
H) Invitation to exclusive event during NR cruises
I) Lock of Sarah Palin's hair
J) Trig Palin

I'm joshing around on some of these: cruise reservations are made only on a first-come-first-served basis. Oh, and (J) is redundant: Trig is the mysterious "token of appreciation" in gift (A).

The Automobile Bailout: Saved by Zero (expectation of it getting done)

Democrats in Congress today told the auto industry to temper their expectations for a bailout, based on not having enough votes and President Bush saying "don't call us, we'll call nobody." Don't worry guys, our expectations for any of you guys getting anything productive done is

(SAVED BY) ZERO!!!

No, seriously. Get a clue, guys. Did someone say Clue? Was it Dana Petrino in the White House Press Room with no comment? No, it was Chris Dodd on the Hill with no progress. Or possibly Rosie the Riveter in the factory with no job. Nope... it was General Motors... in the courtroom... in Chapter Eleven.

Saved by zero.

How Do You Measure Yourself Against Other Presidents? By Height.

Hugh Hewitt records the surface data of the American economy on this past election day to begin his assault on the President-Elect:

When Barack Obama was elected:

The inflation rate was 3.7%
Unemployment was 6.5%
The prime was at 4%
The Dow closed at 9,625
The NASDAQ closed at 1,780
The S&P closed at 1,005
Oil was $60 a barrel.
U.S. monthly domestic oil production: appx 155 million barrels
U.S. proven oil reserves: 21.3 billion barrels
U.S. offshore proven reserves: 3.9 billion barrels

Hewitt proclaims these are the proper numbers to measure Obama's success. Of course, Hugh Hewitt is wrong, but at least he's dumb.

For starters, assuming there is an accurate, universally accepted empiric to measure the success of a President's policies as applied to the economy, wouldn't you begin your assessment period when the individual actually takes office on January 20 and can actually put these policies in place? Of course not. Why would you? The numbers could be worse on that day and make it much easier for Obama to improve on Hewitt's statistical window-dressing.

How about the stock market? It has always been more skittish than Howard Hughes sitting first row at a Gallagher show during the watermelon smash (non sequitur - how can you possibly live with yourself after paying money to go to a Gallagher show? Suicide isn't selfish, despite what people tell you.). The stock market clumsily measures overall investor confidence, not necessarily the fundamentals of the economy (which "are strong" as John McCain assuaged us during the campaign). But I'll play along. Here's a number: 10,609 - the Dow's closing average on the day George W. Bush took office. We'll check back on January 19, 2009 using Hugh's metric.

And the oil numbers? More right-wing obfuscation of the real problem with the current Republican administration's (lest we forget Bush still reigns) energy policy and the cavalier attitude of the American consumer. It's the numerical representation of the woefully dim GOP mantra "drill, baby, drill," despite endorsement by our nation's foremost energy expert, Sarah Palin.

At the end of Obama's first term, I will measure success by the proportion of domestic production/consumption of renewable, clean energy sources versus fossil fuels and petro-products. By the end of his second term, Obama's legacy will be measured by whether we can see our society free and clear of Middle Eastern oil and within two years of total energy independence (or pretty damn close). I will hold our new President to his Kennedy-esque pronouncement of realizing energy independence within 10 years. Jack's vision got us to the moon. Barack's vision should get us to the moon again using a spaceship powered by solar sails and a hydrogen fuel cell.

Hugh, let's cut away the rhetorical excess, shall we, and get down to brass tacks. One number - the Unemployment Rate - for the whole shebang. The Potatoe will record it on January 20, 2009 and wager . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . ONE EURO . . . that the number will be lower at the inception of Obama's second term, January 20, 2013.

Look, I know the stakes aren't that high, but we're in a rough patch here just like the rest of you. Hugh, be thankful it wasn't one dollar.

Blessed For You; Nead Urgint Reply; Relative, Hot Apple Pie, Deceased

If you don't know who's the sucker at the table after giving away $400,000 to a Nigerian email scam, then you . . . HOLY CRAP! YOU BLEW $400,000 ON A NIGERIAN EMAIL SCAM!:

SWEET HOME, Ore. — An Oregon woman who is out $400,000 after falling for a well-known Internet scam says she wasn't a sucker or an easy mark.

Janella Spears of Sweet Home says she simply became curious when she received an e-mail promising her $20.5 million if she would only help out a long-lost relative identified as J.B. Spears with a little money up front.

Spears told KATU-TV about the scammers' ability to identify her relative by name was persuasive.

"That's what got me to believe it," She said. "So, why wouldn't you send over $100?"
Spears, who is a nursing administrator and CPR teacher, said she mortgaged the house and took a lien out on the family car, and ran through her husband's retirement account.

"The retirement he was dreaming of — cruising and going around and seeing America — is pretty much gone for him right now," she said.

She estimates it will take two years to clear the debt that accumulated in the more than two years she spent sending money to con artists.

And Janella Spears no less, considered the brightest of the Spears sisters triumvirate. Britney was unavailable for comment. Jamie-Lynn is in seclusion and probably pregnant again, so The Potatoe didn't pursue an interview, but she is on the record stating Nigeria is her favorite state in the country of Africa.