Joe The Plumber Finally Gets His Book Deal

Of course he did. I'd rather read binary code during a simultaneous root canal/rectal exam.

Working title: "An American Floater: The Story of One's Citizen Refusal to be Flushed Away into the Sewer of Identity Politics." Cover photo to the left. Foreword to be penned by Ashley "Backwards B" Todd. Hannity has already committed a jacket blurb sight unseen: "This is the greatest book God has established in the history of the world."

The Potatoe has been granted an exclusive first look at the opening sentences of Chapter 1, nonsensically titled: "If he looks like a Muslim, has a name like a Muslim, hates Israel like a Muslim, then he sure ain't a duck":

Behold! On the stump like a snow hill. It is Barack Obama. Mmmm. I like dark meat.

I furtively moved forward through his adoring mob of apostles, trying not to arouse suspicion, reflecting sunshine into the inquisitive eyes of this enemy hoard with my gleaming bald noggin, tactically buffed to a shimmer, a trick I picked up snaking drains outside Cambodia in '68.

I was a hero then too; our boys never felt the cringe of humiliation seeing toilet water cresting over the top of the bowl after releasing an ungodly monster sh*t in the latrine. Not on Joe's watch.

So I had been here before, called to doody (i.e., a pun right there) by the demands of my country. Time to play the hero again, Joe, against another communist foe.

Was I afraid? In the words of our 2012 President, Sarah Palin, "you betcha." But the training keeps you steady - once you've swam through a 50-foot cesspool of sh*t-smelling foulness the likes of which you cannot begin to imagine as a civilian, fear takes on the redolence of roses. I eat pieces of sh*t like Barack Sadam Hussein Obama Bin-Laden for breakfast. Let's do this thing!

The fetid stench of Marxism and my poopy-smelling t-shirt, moist and stank from morning appointments, hung heavy over the crowd. But I, undaunted. Ready to take on a Kenyan-born would-be dictator. Oh no. Not on Joe's watch. I f**king love Israel . . .

From what we've read so far, An American Floater is a well-received, poignant Bildungsroman novelette snatched from the still-beating heart of German Enlightenment, as its protagonist, citizen Joe, a pulpy denizen of the real realm, an uber-slob sentinel of the proletariat, the deserving scion of the rustic, vulgar Romanticism within Emile Zola's Germinal, sprouts, blossoms and embodies the American polemic, given martyrdom by liberal schadenfreude, as he bends, but never breaks, becoming the Zeitgeist of his moment.

Or, it's a piece of sh*t.

Joe the Plumber Starts Website; Charges for Freedom

Protector of all things freedomish and toilety, Joe the Plumber has got his own website up and running here. There appears to be a movement afoot - a movement to "help[] one another in times of need." Sounds socialist! Say it ain't so, Joe! But rest assured, he's just trying to lead the "backbone" of our country (I could have sworn it was the plumber's crack) to freedom. But there's a catch - freedom isn't free. In fact, it's $14.95 for a 1-year membership.

What type of freedom does your hard-earned $14.95 get you? Let's see:

1) Total Access to "Joe The Forum" where you may chat directly with Joe (freedom of speech)
2) Subscription to the "Joe The Blog" monthly newsletter (freedom of the press)
3) Free Shipping on all "Joe The Plumber" merchandise (free market economy)
4) Free Signed Copy of Joe's forthcoming book "Joe The Plumber" - Fighting for the American Dream (Paperback slated for release December 1, 2008) (free plumbing tips?)
5) Become an integral part of an American movement to restore our government to the people (a brain aneurysm, which will require the free health care that Joe opposes)

Godspeed you plunging warrior.

New Era of Civility

Always rather (pronounced "raaah-ther" because I'm British nobility, as far as you know) genteel, the United States Congress and its members are taking great pains to restore an era of civility and respect to Washington. In the immediate wake of President-elect Obama's historic election, members of Congress of both parties have been falling all over themselves to speak in gracious and conciliatory terms about working together, rising above petty differences in this hour of national if not global crisis, and working together to get America back on track. Then there's this guy.

Rep. Paul Broun (brace yourself, because this might come as a bit of a shock -- he's a Republican from Georgia) said on Monday that he fears that Obama will establish a Gestapo-like security force to impose a Marxist or fascist dictatorship. Yes. Really. Citing a July speech by Obama, in which the then-Democratic presidential candidate called for a civilian force to take some of the national security burden off the military, Broun sagely noted:

"That's exactly what Hitler did in Nazi Germany and it's exactly what the Soviet Union did," Broun said. "When he's proposing to have a national security force that's answering to him, that is as strong as the U.S. military, he's showing me signs of being Marxist."

Just to make sure no one missed it that the sitting Congressman actually compared the President-elect of the United States to Adolph Hitler, he added for good measure:

"We can't be lulled into complacency... You have to remember that Adolf Hitler was elected in a democratic Germany. I'm not comparing him to Adolf Hitler. What I'm saying is there is the potential."

Oh, so you're not saying saying he is Hitler, only that he might become Hitler. Well, yeah, that's muuuuuch better. Thanks for clarifying. Wurzelbacher/Broun '12 can't be far off. Sarah Palin for Secretary of State?

The GOP Parasite

Shows the districts that voted more Republican this election cycle than in 2004. Fascinating. Writes the epilogue of the McCain-Palin ticket. The two-week march of "spread the wealth" bogyphobia (which most conservative pundits lauded as McCain getting back on message) fell on nationally deaf ears. Apparently "Fake Americans" weren't the only ones who found the ubiquitous presence of the deplorably dense Joe the Plumber on par with scrapes of a metal fork against a ceramic plate.

More significantly, fear mongering and encrypted race-baiting still plays and plays well along the Appalachian Trail into Tornado Alley. Perhaps this election distilled the toxic elements from the Republican Party. Perhaps pure conservatism will rise out of the tenuous pastiche of disparate elements once Scotch-taped together by Karl Rove. Perhaps fiscal conservatives, libertarians, populists and open-minded moralists will coalesce and offer new, promising ideas in 2012.

Ronald Reagan once defined conservatism: If you analyze it I believe the very heart and soul of conservatism is libertarianism. I think conservatism is really a misnomer just as liberalism is a misnomer for the liberals -- if we were back in the days of the Revolution, so-called conservatives today would be the Liberals and the liberals would be the Tories. The basis of conservatism is a desire for less government interference or less centralized authority or more individual freedom and this is a pretty general description also of what libertarianism is

Less government interference. Less centralized authority. More individual freedom. These are principles that many of us could get behind. But for the Republican Party of the past decade, these values are puffed up and marketed with no movable inventory on the sales floor. They gather dust in the partisan stock room. We've been waiting for the offer of merchantable goods by the GOP longer than Guns N' Roses's Chinese Democracy.

For me, for my vote, a purging of the Neocons and inexorable religious fundamentalists is a good place to start. If that's too big a step today, how about some restraints on the ceaseless pandering to unbridled prejudice and bigotry masquerading around the back country as moral piety.

Joe The Plumber: Spreading the wealth actually pretty great

As Gawker is reporting courtesy of Inside Edition, Joe the Plumber has been having a little trouble making ends meet of late. Probably because he has been acting as the McCain campaign's foreign policy expert, and not actually, you know, plumbing. Well, it appears that Mr. The Plumber is not earning any money, is actually broke, and as a result is subsisting on the money that magically turns up in his mailbox sent to him by people with more money than he. Sound like anything to you? Go ahead, think about it for a second.

As Mr. The Plumber explained to Inside Edition's Deborah Norville:

"I'm not getting paid for things. It's starting to get hard
to eat,"

On the eve of election day, Joe, a single dad, told INSIDE EDITION he's getting by with help from friends and family, along with donations from well-wishers.

"It's hard being on the receiving end, a little bit of
pride gets in there sometimes," admits Joe.

"So you just go to the mailbox
and there's an envelope with a check in it, written to your name?" marvels Norville.

"Yes ma'am," Joe says.

So, lemme get this straight Joe. You think it's socialism for the government to take money from rich people in the form of taxes that everyone has to pay and give it to everyone including poor people who pay less taxes in the form of services. Ok, you're wrong, but I'm following your logic. But how do you feel about poor people who don't work but instead take money from rich people for free? Spreading the wealth? Socialism? Welfare? Rich people having their hard earned money go to provide food for poor people? Anything ringing a bell here? Anything? Hello? Is this thing on?

Last Minute Of Joe The Plumber's 15 Minutes

Behold your working man hero.

You should take a shower after you clean out Fox News' septic tank. You stink, Joe.

Pathological

I had a friend who was a pathological liar. It boggled my mind, because he would just lie about meaningless, unimportant stuff - and stuff that was easily proven false. He once claimed that his mother was a dentist. I knew his mother, and she wasn't a dentist. It was like he was lying for sport. More troubling, it was almost as if he lost the ability to discern fact from fiction.

Well as I pointed out here, Palin is a liar. But is she pathological? As reported by the always entertaining Anne Marie Cox of the Washington Independent, when talking about Joe the Plumber:

Gov. Sarah Palin apparently got so excited that she momentarily granted him the honored double status of veteran and Frontier State native: “He’s a fellow Alaska[n], and he’s a fellow military man who has served our country proudly. I’d like you to meet him.”

He is neither. But then again, his name isn’t Joe and he isn’t a plumber. So, really, who’s to blame her for getting a little carried away?

Is she pathological? I will let you decide.

No I won't. You might get it wrong.

She is.

Why in the hell else would she lie about this? What could cause the words “He’s a fellow Alaska[n], and he’s a fellow military man who has served our country proudly" to come out of her mouth? It just isn't true. It has to be that she's lost the ability to discern fact from fiction (scary), she is just lying for sport (scary), or she is just flat out batshit crazy (scary). Whichever is the case, she is pathological.

***UPDATE*** Thanks to reader, James, it appears that Ms. Cox was wrong about the veracity (or lack thereof) of Palin's speech. Which shoots my theory to shit. Oh, well. He lived in Alaska for 4 years, and was in the Air Force. And he looks like the dude from The Shield.

Glad to have a more right-leaning reader to keep us in check. But save the "don't care about the truth" stuff. We try to get it right, and we will admit when we get it wrong.

Joe the Secretary of State: "A Vote For Obama Is A Vote For The Death Of Israel"

No longer content merely to serve as the McCain campaign's chief economic advisor, Samuel Wurzelbacher a/k/a "Joe the (unlicensed, non-union) Plumber" has decided to take on the additional role of McCain's chief foreign policy advisor, based on his extensive experience in the field of unclogging toilets without a license.

Speaking at a McCain rally in Columbus "real America" Ohio yesterday, Joe the Foreign Policy Expert responded to a statement from a McCain supporter in the crowd. The McCain supporter, according to Joe, is "Middle America."

McCain Supporter: "A vote for Obama is a vote for the death to Israel! I'll guarantee you that!"

Joe the Foreign Policy Expert: "Actually, uh, I'll go ahead and agree with you on that. You know, well, I agree with you. I really think that would be a problem."

Apparently, this was the final straw for Fox News' Shepard Smith, who not only repeatedly questioned Joe's totally baseless and ignorant opinion, but was moved to issue a disclaimer following his interview with Wurzelbacher.

"I just want to make this 100 percent perfectly clear -- Barack Obama has said repeatedly and demonstrated repeatedly that Israel will always be a friend of the United States, no matter what happens once he becomes President of the United States. His words. The rest of it -- man...some things -- it just gets frightening sometimes. We'll be right back."

The full interview is worth a watch, if you want to experience stunned disbelief that a guy who literally would not be allowed by law to snake your sink in most states is now acting as McCain's chief economic and foreign policy messenger, and also if you are at all interested in your head literally exploding. Watch the interview here.

Joe The Plumber, Allow Me To Introduce You To . . .

Mark the Patriot!

Also, how about "Sarah the Liar." Speaking this afternoon in a surprising exclusive with Fox News' Sean Hannity (finally! He got her! You couldn't run forever, Palin!), Railin' Palin' hooted about Senator Obama's economic proposals:

So, what we have to do is go back to his record and see where he has come from so that we can then understand where he wants to lead America. He voted 94 times for higher taxes. He had all those opportunities to be on our side, the people's side. Instead, he was for bigger government.

And now his proposal to increase spending, nearly $1 trillion more, the only way he's going to be able to pay for those proposals, increase taxes. He voted, of course, for higher taxes on those middle-class, hard working Americans, making $42,000 a year. That's his record.

Barack Obama voted to tax Americans making $42,000 a year? Say it ain't so, Joe!

Okay - it ain't so. Verdict on CNN's fact checker? Misleading.

Joe The Plumber And Cockroaches Survive Nuclear And Political Holocausts

Joe the Plumber gearing up for a 2010 Congressional run . . . as of this morning . . . when the idea first struck him . . . well, actually, Laura Ingraham raised the concept and Joe didn't dismiss it out-of-hand.

Say it ain't so . . . AH, SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP, PALIN!!!!! PLEASE SHUT UP!!!!!! 10 more days!!!!! 10 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem . . . Joe, you'd be better suited for an entertainment vehicle like The Surreal Life or Deal Or No Deal. No one is questioning your mental dexterity when it comes to picking numbered suitcases.

Think about your $250,000 business you don't really own. Who's going to fake-watch that while you're in D.C. snaking the clogged drain of bureaucratic gridlock? What about the plumbing license you never had? Or those back taxes you owe? Or that first name you don't really have? Gosh, it's tough enough being a pretend small-business owner without the burden of real Congressional work. Plus, I hear "Trolley" will challenge you for the 5th District of the "Neighborhood of Make Believe" as Democratic incumbent King Friday VIII is retiring.

Why not run for President? Ashley Todd could be your running mate. I've already crafted your campaign slogan: "Wurzelbacher-Todd - Change You Can Believe In For Fifteen Minutes."

***UPDATE***: During a live online chat today on the Washington Times website, Sam-Joe the Sort-Of-Plumber expressed trepidation at the prospect of an Obama presidency: "When I was face to face with him, my honest first impression was that I expected something more. I had heard so much about 'his presence' in the media that I was surprised to find that he seemed very average . . . My gut feeling as he answered my questions? I was scared for America."

In a related story, Senior VP of Fox News John Moody released another blog post on the Fox Forum entitled "Moment of Truth II" stating, "Joe's fear of Barack Obama is a watershed moment for this election year. If it turns out Joe's fear is genuine, the entire electorate will revisit their support of Barack Obama because they don't know him. If Joe's fear is a hoax, then John McCain's campaign is effectively over for plumber-baiting."

He seemed "very average," huh? Once again I'll let the video of your encounter with Obama speak for itself:

McCain-Palin Remains In The Crack Of America's Ass

I received the following email this morning from McCain-Palin (apparently there are traitors among us, anti-American elements in our midst, signing me up on Republican mailing lists. I'm suspending my campaign to hunt down these cyber terrorists. GOP succubus Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann is a person of interest):

I'm Joe the Plumber
Monday, October 20, 2008 12:08 PM
From:
"McCain-Palin Team" Add sender to Contacts
To: dqpotatoe@hotmail.com

How are you "Joe the Plumber"?Tell us in 30 seconds...

We want you to tell us how you are "Joe the Plumber" and why you're supporting John McCain and Sarah Palin in thirty seconds. You could even see your video as an official McCain TV ad. By now, "Joe the Plumber" is a household name and has become a symbol of Barack Obama's plan to "spread the wealth around." During a recent campaign event in Toledo, Ohio, "Joe the Plumber" asked a simple question and got a surprising answer from the Democratic nominee.

When he asked why Barack Obama's tax plan was going to punish him for working hard and living the American Dream, Barack Obama responded, "When you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody."

In that brief exchange, the American people got to see what this campaign is all about ... a choice between honoring the hard work of everyday Americans like "Joe the Plumber" and increasing taxes to "spread the wealth."

In these tough economic times, there is no doubt that John McCain and Sarah Palin stand firmly on the side of hardworking "everyday Joes" who understand the value of honest work and the American Dream. That's why we want to hear from you and share your story with the American public. It's simple ... make an ad telling us why you are "Joe the Plumber" in 30 seconds and we'll put the best ad on the air as a TV ad. Share your story of living the American Dream, working hard, or owning a small business to tell America why you're standing with John McCain and Sarah Palin. Click here today to learn more and submit your video before Friday, October 24th. Then help us spread the word about this exciting opportunity - tell your friends to visit JohnMcCain.com/Joe to submit their own video and share their story.

Please visit this page if you want to remove yourself from the email list.
Paid for by McCain-Palin 2008

*******

How am I "Joe the Plumber?????" Well, let's see - neither of us are licensed to work as a plumber. Neither of us are about to buy a plumbing business worth $250,000 or more. And neither of us like paying taxes (though there's a stark difference between us: I actually pay my taxes, whereas Joe faces a $1000 plus lien for back taxes. What a patriot! Criminal disobedience!).

How am I not like "Joe the Plumber?????" I have hair. I resist transforming into a glam-whore at the first sniff of media attention. Oh, and I go by my real first name.

So "Sam" the Plumber asked Barack Obama a "simple question and got a suprising answer": "When you spread the wealth around, it is good for everybody."

Does anyone honestly disagree with any part of this statement, even those of the uncompromising free market ilk? We are all capitalists (no matter what McCain-Palin would have you believe). We all respect ownership, free alienation of land, the opportunity of investment, competition and growth. And, sorry to break it to you, we are all socialists to a certain extent, accepting the benefits of social security, welfare, medicare, airline bailouts, financial sector bailouts, public transportation, human services, emergency services, etc. We grouse about higher taxes, but have no problem reaping the daily harvest.

Despite the rah-rah speeches on the stump, our current economy and the markets that drive it are hybrid forms that seek a seamless synergy of both the capitalist and socialist model. Don't worry, Republicans: it's not European socialism. Don't worry, Democrats: it's not the economic lotusland told around the Republican campfire either.

A suprising answer proffered by Obama? "Spread the wealth around?" As opposed to hoarding all of the wealth in the grubby hands of a few monocled fat cats - you know, Johnny Eight-Houses or Cindy My-Earrings-Could-Feed-Your-Family-For-A-Year - which has been a super sweet boon for our country's economic stability as recent events have shown.

Don't worry, Joe the taxpayer - AIG knows what to do with your money. Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!

Trickle-Down Economics doesn't work if you bury almost everyone below the basin, then let them die of thirst:

In the United States, wealth is highly concentrated in a relatively few hands. As of 2001, the top 1% of households (the upper class) owned 33.4% of all privately held wealth, and the next 19% (the managerial, professional, and small business stratum) had 51%, which means that just 20% of the people owned a remarkable 84%, leaving only 16% of the wealth for the bottom 80% (wage and salary workers).

And if McCain-Palin had a longer attention span than the average eight-year-old and provided a modicum of context instead of one strategic sentence out of one hundred sentences, they would realize that Barack Obama makes sense, Barack Obama is not going to steal your money to finance his "anti-American" agenda and that pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is impossible if you don't have bootstraps. You would realize that Obama' entire response to plumbers across America was unmitigated brilliance and one of his finest moments of the campaign:

Because my attitude is that if the economy's good for folks from the bottom up, it's gonna be good for everybody. If you've got a plumbing business, you're gonna be better off if you've got a whole bunch of customers who can afford to hire you. And right now, everybody's so pinched that business is bad for everybody. And I think when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody. But, listen, I respect what you do and I respect your question. And even if I don't get your vote, I'm still gonna be working hard on your behalf 'cause I want to make sure … small businesses are what creates jobs in this country and I want to encourage it. All right. (applause) One other thing I didn't mention. For small-business people, I'm gonna eliminate the capital gains tax, so what it means is if your business succeeds and let's say you take it from a $250,000 business to a $500,000 business, that capital gains that you get, we're not gonna tax you on it 'cause I want you to grow more so you're actually going … you may end up … I'd have to look at your particular business but you might end up paying lower taxes under my plan and my approach than under John McCain's plan. I can't guarantee that 'cause I'd have to take a look at your business.

No one gives a damn about Joe/Sam the Plumber, Bill Ayers, Charles Keating, Reverend Wright, Reverend Hagee or G. Gordon Liddy. They care about keeping their jobs, providing for their families, receiving affordable and quality healthcare and working towards their retirement.

Barack Obama: At The Adult Table

I remember countless holidays where I was banished to the kiddie table - out of range of civilized discourse, relegated to making armpit farts and flicking boogers. Worse was the adult folk patronizing me with their disgusted glances, mortified that their scion could belch the alphabet.

Tonight, Obama shook his head with disapproving maturity. Tonight, John McCain made fart noises with his mouth.

"Ayers, ACORN, Ayers, ACORN, Ayers, ACORN, Ayers . . . my campaign is about the economy." Did that just happened???? It did. I almost did a spit-take (I haven't done a spit-take since Palin's explanation about Russia's proximity to her foreign policy experience.).

Tonight, McCain would have been better served with honest questions: "Health care plan? In what respect, Barry?"

The split screen did him no favors. At one point, my girlfriend equated McCain to Vincent D'Onofrio's bug character in "Men in Black." Without pause, I eagerly equated McCain's visage to Jeffy Goldblum's fly character in . . . well . . . "The Fly."

The point?: McCain's skin was thinner than soy paper, absolutely ineffective at shrouding the curmudgeon beast below ready to shed its apocryphal mask of gentility at first prodding. He was petulant, irascible and disconnected. He spouted fluff attacks in rapid-fire succession as if trying to eclipse a world record. It was a haphazard carpet bombing of a hunkered-down Obama, prepared for every twist and turn. Hell, even the much ballyhooed Bill Ayers reference seemed trite and tortured - almost as if McCain doesn't have a bone to pick with folks "pallin' around with terrorists" despite his previous message.

I thought Palin was the death knell for McCain. I was wrong - ask yourself this fundamental question and let it govern your vote: Over the past three months, which candidate demonstrated the consistency of character and a never-failing steadiness in the face of tough questions, tough issues, tough matters and tough world events?

Like I said before - vote the man in this election, not the ideology. Vote for an original leader, not for a partisan soundboard. Vote for the candidate who makes very clear in these three debates that your issues will always trump the petty squabbles of the Autumn election cycle.

Full disclosure: For the first time since I became voter eligible I have donated money to a presidential candidacy. After the second debate, I pulled out my American Express Elite-Yuppie-Intelligentsia-250k-per-year Gold Card (a platinum card is too fringe, too extreme, too Sheehan, just too elite) and authorized a $50 payment to Senator Obama.

Why? Because he's consistent. Because he's steady. And because for all the money I will pay in taxes (being in that upper 5% Barack never speaks to), it is a pittance compared to the potential economic loss I suffer without a job, health insurance and affordable education.

Laud the free market. We all do. But it cannot exist in a vacuum. And whether you are Joe Six-Pack, Joey Danko or Joe Plumber, Mikey Dollar Signs will be quick to interject that you cannot draw blood from a stone and you can't siphon taxes from zero dollars of income, no matter how high the rate.

In closing, yes I'm drunk. But sober enough to see that the "October surprise" is just how damn optimistic I am about a major party candidate less than three weeks from Election Day.

If Richard Lowry had little starbursts for Palin, then count me as flaming gay for Obama. My starbursts come with energy independence in a decade.