Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Gimme the records, bitch

Listen, faithful readers (oh, wait, there aren't any yet. Well, retrospectively, listen, okay?), I don't have a lot of time this afternoon. But I'm catching a lot of flack from my fellow pundits for not posting. I don't mean actual flack the kind that our Marines don't have jackets for, but just electronic flack. But I bristle at the suggestion that I will not contribute, and thus I am.

I did not watch the debate, because I knew what was going to happen. McCain would wander aimlessly around on the stage, wondering where the town hall was that he was supposed to be finding, not realizing this was, in fact, a town-hall STYLE debate rather than a debate in a town hall. And this is what happened. In between questions, he took in a steady diet of unicorn blood and Ensure to keep himself awake, energized and looking Voldemortish. By contrast, Obama would talk about hope - something that, to me lately, is the ultimate four letter word.

But here's what I want: I want Johnny Boy's medical records. And I want them now. No more of this posturing or letting reporters read every other word of the reports, or read the reports upside down, or write them in invisible ink and wonder aloud at why the fourth estate can't seem to piece together whether or not McCain is now more machine than man. I want the records and I want them now. Why? So that I can know what state of health he is in and thus make an informed election choice? No. Not even by a long shot. Just because I want to see if he's taking Viagra, and I want the fact that he no-doubt-about-it (Cindy McCain wants it. She needs it. She must have it.) is popping those things like M&Ms reported at the top of the hour.

"This just in, McCain did not have any major gaffes last night, but a lack of boners apparently isn't a problem. This... is the Situation Room."

Here's a funny anecdote, relating to Johnny POW's health, that shows what a jerkoff he truly is:

McCain bristles when it is suggested that he might lack youthful vigor. Early in the primaries, he faced a blunt question from a New Hampshire teenager. Was he worried he would get Alzheimer's disease or die in office? "I'm very active," McCain shot back. "People will judge by the vigor and enthusiasm associated with our campaign. I've out-campaigned my opponents, every race I've ever been in." He ended with a joke. "Thanks for the question, you little jerk!"

Ah, jerk indeed. One more thing... McCain was shot down something like four times while in the service. In like two years or thereabouts. Does that make him an American hero, or a shitty pilot?



Defective Pants said...

And. . . it begins. While you're at it, let's see Biden's and Palin's records, too. You little jerk.

Warm Apple Pie said...

Someone should oil the tinman's joints. At least he didn't robotically reach out to that whippersnapper and pat him with 40 pounds of hydraulic pressure. McCain's patting mechanism is "Dead on Balls Accurate" when it comes to maximum allowable torquage as he was calibrated by NASA engineers.

Warm Apple Pie said...

Fair and balanced: Obama has only produced a one-page summary. Also, I want the grades from the Obama camp. At least McCain has produced his class rank, albeit pitifully low.