A Grim Karl Rove

Going into the last week of the election, the Architect assesses Senator McCain's path to victory as a "very steep hill to climb."

The View . . . Of Stupidity

Nails on a chalkboard:



Thanks for breathing life back into a big RNC boo-boo no one was talking about anymore. And thanks for that gender-baiting frosting to cap off your stupid cake. Delish!

With friends like Elisabeth Hasselbeck . . .

***UPDATE***: Thought the resurrection of "fasion-gate" (hahaha) was a bit odd. Apparently, the move did not come down from on high. CNN reports:

A senior adviser to John McCain told CNN's Dana Bash that the comments about her wardrobe "were not the remarks we sent to her plane this morning." Palin did not discuss the wardrobe story at her rally in Kissimmee later in the day.

But in Tampa, Palin happily broached the clothing issue after being introduced by "The View" co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who accused Palin's opponents of being "fixated on her wardrobe" and "deliberately sexist."

That opened the door for Palin to weigh in on a topic that has frustrated the candidate and her advisers since the story first broke five days ago.

"This whole thing with the wardrobe, you know I have tried to just ignore it because it is so ridiculous, but I am glad now that Elisabeth brought it up, cause it gives me an opportunity without the filter of the media to get to tell you the whole clothes thing," she said.

"Those clothes, they are not my property. Just like the lighting and the staging and everything else that the RNC purchased, I'm not taking them with me. I am back to wearing my own clothes from my favorite consignment shop in Anchorage, Alaska. You'd think — not that I would even have to address the issue because, as Elisabeth is suggesting, the double standard here it's — gosh, we don't even want to waste our time."

Ah, I see the "brains" portion of the Republican Party is taking the reins. Excellent. Look forward to your next bulletin. That Obama was born in Kenya story might have some legs. Just pitching in.

GOP Gigolo Hugh Hewitt Declares Bill Ayers An "Advisor" to Barack Obama

I'm pretty eager to get a good night's rest. But then the intellectual charlatans now practically running McCain's sputtering campaign just refuse to let me sleep.

Fine. Let's make this brief: Hugh Hewitt is a hebetudinous pig of a commentator and an out-and-out liar. After ignoring the white noise of standard GOP twaddle, my ears perk up as Hewitt offers this dirty fable on Hannity & Colmes: "I often hear in Barack Obama's rhetoric and especially in the rhetoric of some of his advisers Bill Ayers . . ." Pressed that Ayers is, of course, not an advisor to Barack Obama, Hewitt prattles on "he might not be an advisor this year . . . he has a 20 year relationship with Barack Obama."

Repugnant and typical. Even if Barack Obama is elected and elected by a sizable margin - ie., the empirics of a political mandate - GOP hitmen like Hewitt will never embrace him as President and will never accept a unified citizenry trying to work together despite ideological differences. The unthoughtful demagogues of dying Rovian conservatism will tear this country asunder for sh*ts and giggles.

Feigned torpidity, America - the righty hacks play dumb just long enough to stand corrected, but not before foisting their flimflam upon the audience and scoring points. Fortunately for the rest of us, everyone at Fox News or watching Fox News is either irredeemably in the Republican tank or playing watchdog to keep them honest. A forum for independent or undecided voters it is not.

Still, you say things enough times and the Orwellian dystopia emerges turning four fingers into five.

9 Days. Fight it. Earmuff it till the voting booth if you have to.

Closing Arguments

Barack Obama begins his summation with a new ad:

Missing Links For October 25, 2008

A succinct, lucid explanation of competing health care plans.

President Bush votes early for Barack Obama?!?!? Psyche!

Captain Krauthammer and the euphoria before drowning: I will go down with the McCain ship. I'd rather lose an election than lose my bearings.

Obama defends his alleged ties to . . . Adolph Hitler: "Um . . . just so we're clear: I was negative 20 years old when Hitler committed despicable acts."

After conjuring Herbert Hoover, McCain revives Harry S. Truman, reminds the electorate he's stupid-old.

The Manchurian-American Candidate

Because Barack Obama has not released a copy of his birth certificate, we are forced to endure the axe-grinding hysterics of "patriots" like Phil Berg and his "legitimate" claim that Obama is not a natural born citizen and, therefore, cannot be President of the United States (What? He did? He released it? That picture to the left? Oh, it's nothing. Seriously, don't look at it. Pay no attention to the birth certificate behind the curtain).

Here's a copy of Berg's complaint, a paragon of attorney work product likely penned in crayons and lipsticked pig's blood, seeking declaratory and injunctive relief against Barack Obama and his other buddies: "Barry Soetoro," "Barry Obama," "Barack Dunham," and "Barry Dunham." Most compelling is averment 18 where Mr. Berg, a master jurist on equal footing with great legal minds like Cardozo, Darrow and Dershowitz, cites to . . . "Wikipedia English Version" and (not to be outdone) "Wikipedia Italian Version" to support his allegation that Obama's birth is "reported" to have occurred at two different Hawaiian hospitals. Berg further notes that there is a Canadian birth certificate linked to Barack Obama also "posted on the internet." An earlier draft of the complaint cited "two girls, one cup," "star wars kid" and "Will Ferrell's The Landlady," but were strategically dropped in the final version.

And if not a testament to sound jurisprudence and research, Berg's complaint at worse is a celebration of syntactical coherency and stellar grammar: "Obama obviously knows, because his father told the Obama, that he (Obama) also held/holds Kenyan nationality."

Precisely!

For good measure, Berg buttresses his claim with an allegation of Obama"s Kenyan citizenship (Barry is well traveled, apparently a citizen of the world) provided by "Chicago-based Internet Journalist, broadcaster and critic" Andy Martin.

You remember Andy? He's the Internet journalist, broadcaster and critic who once threw his hat in the ring as candidate for Congress on the broad-based "exterminate Jew power" platform. The Potatoe's leave-no-stone-unturned investigative journalism has also yielded the shocking revelation that Mr. Martin did not win that election.*

Enter the rumor mill, fair and balanced - Fox News' local affiliate in the crucial battleground state of Ohio picks up the story on Monday and gives it an audience (conspicuously timed considering Berg filed his ridiculous lawsuit on August 21 in a Federal Court in Pennsylvania).

Only 19 more days of the circus, kids. Hang in there. The audacity of hate must not win.

*Source: Wikipedia (English Version)

***UPDATE***: A Federal Judge throws out the litigious manifestation of an Internet-fueled conspiracy theory that Barack Obama was born outside of the United States. The court dismissed Phil Berg's inarticulate complaint finding private citizens lack standing to sue on eligibility requirements. The Court reasoned the harm alleged by Berg is "too vague and its effects too attenuated to confer standing on any and all voters."

Now, I'm just a simple, 53-year-old strip club disc jockey for the Spearmint Rhino in Las Vegas ("Joe the MC" so to speak), but my dilettante's knowledge of the law (sometimes the strippers get in some hot water) tells me this is a sound ruling by the Court.

The Playing Field

Could John McCain's demise be a fait accompli 10 days before the election? The permutations don't bode well: Give him Ohio (20) and Florida (27). Give him North Carolina (15) and even Virginia (13) now leaning towards Obama. Throw in the traditional Republican strongholds of Indiana (11), Montana (3) and North Dakota (3) surprisingly in play. Toss in hotly-contested Nevada (5) and Missouri (11). You know what - I'm feeling generous: Give him New Hampshire (4) because Palin's a Hockey Mom.

Final score: 269-269. A veritable tsunami of GOP support in the final week still doesn't give McCain the victory math. However, in the case of a tie, the 12th Amendment requires the House of Representatives to determine the President-Elect with each state's newly elected delegation casting only one vote. And that means Joe the Rodeo Clown, Joe the Dairy Queen Manager and Joe the Toothless Old Buzzard Whittling Wood And Spittin' Tobacco Juice On The Porch Of The General Store - you know, the three folks comprising the total population of Wyoming - carry equal weight in this doomsday scenario as the 37,000,000 citizens residing in California.

A disquieting thought until you realize that the Democrats currently control 27 state delegations in the House and are expected to make further gains this election. Still, chilling to let your darkest fears for the country creep in to your consciousness. The House debate dedicated to breaking the tie would make the rancor exchanged during the 2000 election fiasco look like a friendly disagreement among gentlemen.

Is Obama The Batman? Is McCain The Penguin? Tune in next week, same bat time, same bat channel

Until I watched this clip, I never, ever, in a million years, would have suspected that the distinguished Senator from the great State of Arizona was an arch-criminal mastermind. Now, I am not so sure. And remember, based on my ability to solve Encyclopedia Brown mysteries with barely any trouble, I am probably the greatest detective since Kojak, but with less hair. In any event, it's now quite clear that McCain's senior campaign advisor is The Riddler.

It's Too Easy

ANCHORAGE, Alaska – Gov. Sarah Palin's signature accomplishment — a contract to build a 1,715-mile pipeline to bring natural gas from Alaska to the Lower 48 — emerged from a flawed bidding process that narrowed the field to a company with ties to her administration, an Associated Press investigation shows.

No comment. It's just not even a challenge anymore. Here are the details. Do me a favor and just insert the jokes yourselves. I can't be bothered.

Despite Palin's boast of a smart and fair bidding process, the AP found that her team crafted terms that favored only a few independent pipeline companies and ultimately benefited the winner, TransCanada Corp.

And contrary to the ballyhoo, there's no guarantee the pipeline will ever be built; at a minimum, any project is years away, as TransCanada must first overcome major financial and regulatory hurdles.

In interviews and a review of records, the AP found:

-Instead of creating a process that would attract many potential builders, Palin slanted the terms away from an important group — the global energy giants that own the rights to the gas.

-Despite promises and legal guidance not to talk directly with potential bidders, Palin had meetings or phone calls with nearly every major candidate, including TransCanada.

-The leader of Palin's pipeline team had been a partner at a lobbying firm where she worked on behalf of a TransCanada subsidiary. Also, that woman's former business partner at the lobbying firm was TransCanada's lead private lobbyist on the pipeline deal, interacting with legislators in the weeks before the vote to grant TransCanada the contract. Plus, a former TransCanada executive served as an outside consultant to Palin's pipeline team.

-Under a different set of rules four years earlier, TransCanada had offered to build the pipeline without a state subsidy; under Palin, the company could receive a maximum $500 million.

You betcha!

Ronald Reagan's Legacy Lives On; Votes Obama

Reported today by ABC News:

Charles Fried, the Solicitor General for President Ronald Reagan, announced today that he has already voted for Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill.

Chief among his reasons: "the choice of Sarah Palin at a time of deep national crisis."

Ouch. Not only an endorsement, but the guy has already cast his vote. Well, okay, I suppose that's not that bad though. He's a vestige of a long-gone administration lionized by Republicans everywhere but really not that relevant anymore, right?

In addition to losing the support of a highly-respected conservative, what must especially smart for Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., is that Fried actually served as an adviser to his campaign.

Okay, ouch. That has to hurt a little. No, but it is even worse than that.

In [a]letter to Trevor Potter, the General Counsel to the McCain-Palin campaign, [Fried] asked that his name be removed from the several campaign-related committees on which he serves.

So let me make sure I have this right:

A former member of the Reagan administration was serving as an advisor to the McCain campaign and also participating in several campaign-related committees. Ostensibly, he might even be in line for an administration position in the unlikely event of a McCain victory. This individual then decided "nope, can't do it" and withdrew from all campaign-related posts and went and cast an early-ballot vote for Obama?

Yup. That's gotta smart.

THE NEXT AMERICAN PRESIDENT: SOUP TO NUTS

February 10, 2007: Barack Obama announces his candidacy for President of the United States:



April 25, 2007: John McCain announces his candidacy for President of the United States:



Simpler times. Prominence just a glint in their eyes.

Finish honorably, gentlemen.

GOP Succubus Bachmann Says "I Have Sinnned" (Sort Of)

A penitent Michelle Bachmann releases a new campaign ad, now embroiled in a too-close-to-call Congressional race in Minnesota after asking the press to conduct an investigation into the anti-American views held by certain members of Congress and Barack Obama:



"We can embrace government as the answer for our problems, or we can choose freedom or liberty. I may not always get my words right, but I know that my heart is right. Because my heart is for you, for your children, and for the blessings of liberty to remain for our great country."

Not very contrite, Michelle. And I'd say it's style over substance if it had any style.

During the past eight years, have any words been more lightly tossed around or treated with more contempt and left for dead than "freedom" and "liberty." They've become the calling cards for government's failure.

"A word is elegy to what it signifies" - Robert Hass

I hope these once great words serve not as requiem of that already signified, but as the bright promise of future meaning yet to be denoted.

10 days. Vote.

Libertarian Candidate Bob Barr Predicts Deep South Win For Obama

ATLANTA, GA – "Senator John McCain will not win Georgia," predicts Bob Barr, the Libertarian Party nominee for president. "His shrinking poll numbers are an indication that McCain is losing touch with the American public as we get closer to November 4th."

"Sen. McCain never connected with the fiscal conservatives in Georgia," says Barr. "His lack of a principled stand on issues such as reducing the size of government and cutting spending bothers Georgia voters. Sen. McCain can't say with a straight face he will not raise taxes or increase government spending, given his support for such extremely expensive federal government programs like the recent massive bailouts for Wall Street. Clearly, McCain has failed to attract the hearts and support of Georgia voters."

"Sen. Obama will not so much win Georgia, as Sen. McCain will lose the state," Barr adds.

Right . . . and John McCain will carry California, New York and France.

A Vote for Obama is a Vote Against Webelos

I cannot make this up. I wish I had the creativity to do so, but I was not imbued with it. But someone was. Who says conservatives have no vision of tomorrow....

Terrorist strikes on four American cities. Russia rolling into Eastern Europe. Israel hit by a nuclear bomb. Gay marriage in every state. The end of the Boy Scouts. All are plausible scenarios if Democrat Barack Obama is elected president, according to a new addition to the campaign conversation called "Letter from 2012 in Obama's America," produced by the conservative Christian group Focus on the Family Action.

No, really. This is really the scenario being painted by Colorado based Focus on the Family. Listen, my opposition to FOTF's agenda probably is not that surprising. But this letter does not straddle absurd. It french-kisses it and makes it its bitch. Let's read more, shall we?

... Focus on the Family Action's letter which has been posted on the group's Web site and making the e-mail rounds. Signed by "A Christian from 2012," it claims a series of events could logically happen based on the group's interpretation of Obama's record, Democratic Party positions, recent court rulings and other trends.

Among the claims:

• A 6-3 liberal majority Supreme Court that results in rulings like one making gay marriage the law of the land and another forcing the Boy Scouts to "hire homosexual scoutmasters and allow them to sleep in tents with young boys." (In the imagined scenario, The Boy Scouts choose to disband rather than obey).

• A series of domestic and international disasters based on Obama's "reluctance to send troops overseas." That includes terrorist attacks on U.S. soil that kill hundreds, Russia occupying the Baltic states and Eastern European countries including Poland and the Czech Republic, and al-Qaida overwhelming Iraq.

• Nationalized health care with long lines for surgery and no access to hospitals for people over 80.

The goal was to "articulate the big picture," said Carrie Gordon Earll, senior director of public policy for Focus on the Family Action. "If it is a doomsday picture, then it's a realistic picture," she said.

Hear me, American conservatives! I come to you from a distant future of 2012! The fabric of civilization has completely unraveled... yet we have time travel technology? Apparently things aren't so bad in 2012 - despite the end of civilization, our flux capacitor research has blossomed and we've learned how to send full-retards through time. We probably banished this nitwit and decided the most painful place to send him was now, on the cusp of his control of this country disappearing and the rest of us dancing in the streets.

I don't even want to address all the claims made from what sounds like a pretty eventful 2012 - I just want to address that Focus on the Family thought that, in the midst of predictions of global thermonuclear war and Delphic visions of the apparent rise of fascism to rival 1938, they thought the swing issue would be... the voluntary disbanding of the Boy Scouts of America. Apparently they felt so strongly about it in 2012 that they sent Kyle Reese back through time to warn us of this threat to our national merit badges.

Listen, folks, Pat Bateman was both a Cub Scout and a Boy Scout. He learned to shoot .22's at Boy Scout Camp when he was 12. He promised to be thrifty, brave, clean and reverent like every other scout in Troop 28. (He might have lied. But back then he meant it.) That said, despite my previous participation in this American rite of passage, predicting the fall of the Boy Scouts does not really frighten the hell out of me - although I'm glad they taught me how to make fire, because soon I am not going to be able to afford the Con Edison bill, and I'll need to revisit that skill using my old Con Law books for kindling. (Hell, we've thrown all those laws out in the last eight years anyhow. )

But apparently FOTF thought that if the scourge of nuclear war and conflict with terrorists, extremists and, apparently, Russia didn't get the voters out, perhaps the possibility that their sons would not be able to earn that all-important Pinewood Derby participation badge would. (note: Pinewood Derby rules. I am NOT disparaging the Pinewood Derby)

Seriously, we've turned the Boy Scouts of America into a wedge election issue? I think we need a new barrel. This one is completely tapped out.

****UPDATE: I was trying to think of what this letter from FOTC reminded me of, but I just could not put my elitist, tree-hugging, sodomite, Norman Rockwell-hating finger on it. Mostly because that finger was busy sparking the lighter I was using to burn another American flag. But it finally came to me. I stood up from my arugula salad and ran to the computer to post it...

Joe The Plumber And Cockroaches Survive Nuclear And Political Holocausts

Joe the Plumber gearing up for a 2010 Congressional run . . . as of this morning . . . when the idea first struck him . . . well, actually, Laura Ingraham raised the concept and Joe didn't dismiss it out-of-hand.

Say it ain't so . . . AH, SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP, PALIN!!!!! PLEASE SHUT UP!!!!!! 10 more days!!!!! 10 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem . . . Joe, you'd be better suited for an entertainment vehicle like The Surreal Life or Deal Or No Deal. No one is questioning your mental dexterity when it comes to picking numbered suitcases.

Think about your $250,000 business you don't really own. Who's going to fake-watch that while you're in D.C. snaking the clogged drain of bureaucratic gridlock? What about the plumbing license you never had? Or those back taxes you owe? Or that first name you don't really have? Gosh, it's tough enough being a pretend small-business owner without the burden of real Congressional work. Plus, I hear "Trolley" will challenge you for the 5th District of the "Neighborhood of Make Believe" as Democratic incumbent King Friday VIII is retiring.

Why not run for President? Ashley Todd could be your running mate. I've already crafted your campaign slogan: "Wurzelbacher-Todd - Change You Can Believe In For Fifteen Minutes."

***UPDATE***: During a live online chat today on the Washington Times website, Sam-Joe the Sort-Of-Plumber expressed trepidation at the prospect of an Obama presidency: "When I was face to face with him, my honest first impression was that I expected something more. I had heard so much about 'his presence' in the media that I was surprised to find that he seemed very average . . . My gut feeling as he answered my questions? I was scared for America."

In a related story, Senior VP of Fox News John Moody released another blog post on the Fox Forum entitled "Moment of Truth II" stating, "Joe's fear of Barack Obama is a watershed moment for this election year. If it turns out Joe's fear is genuine, the entire electorate will revisit their support of Barack Obama because they don't know him. If Joe's fear is a hoax, then John McCain's campaign is effectively over for plumber-baiting."

He seemed "very average," huh? Once again I'll let the video of your encounter with Obama speak for itself:

BREAKING NEWS: MICHELLE MALKIN JOINS THE HUFFINGTON POST

Basking in the glow of her advanced call-out of mendacious self-mutilator, Ashley Todd, Michelle Malkin gives her parting thought on the 24 hour saga:

Final lesson: Trust your instincts. Use your brains. Stop jumping every time Drudge hypes something in Armageddon-sized font.

The GOP severs. The thinking class and the pundit class going their separate ways. Not sure in which class to lump Matt Drudge or Michelle Malkin, but either way folks are just not getting along these days.

Michelle, you ol' lefty! Don't make me intern you!

Wazzzzzzzzzzup?

Everyone remember those Budweiser "wazzzzup" ads that were pretty hilarious at first, then you and your friends said "wazzzzzzup" like 62,000 times, then you said "wasssssssabi" maybe 26,000 times, then everyone you knew, including that toolbag down the hall who you absolutely could not effing stand said "wasssssssup" eleventy skabillion times, but that prick couldn't even do the voice right? Then anytime anyone even hinted that they might lay down a "wazzzzup" you shot them a look that said "IF you say that stupid word, I WILL punch you in the throat?" Yeah, you remember.

Anyhoo, those guys put together a new ad, and it is nothing short of genius.

Does Obama Even Have a Grandmother?

Rush must have upped his dosage.

Hoo boy. Strait out of crazytown, USA, Rush Limbaugh calls Obama's trip to visit his ailing grandmother a hoax. You idiot voters have been bamboozled! In Rush's own words, here is the real reason for Obama's recent trip to Hawaii:

Who announces days in advance they're rushing to the side of a loved one who is deathly ill but keeps campaigning in a race that's said to be over, only to go to the loved one's side days later? See, I think this is about something else. You know what's really percolating out there? I've been laying low on this because it hasn't met the threshold to pass the smell test on this program.

This birth certificate business, this lawsuit that a guy named Philip Berg filed in Philadelphia in August for Obama to produce his genuine birth certificate and he still hasn't replied. You've got a deathly ill grandmother, you are going to rush to her side a few days from now, when you first announced this, you're going to rush, you're going to hurry, you're going to make tracks, you're going to get over there because you don't want your grandmother to die before you got there like your mother did, but somehow you keep campaigning, you take three days to get over there, if he's left yet, and this birth certificate business, I'm just wondering if something's up.

I have no clue, and folks, I'm telling you, this has not reached the threshold until now, and it's popping up all over the place. There are a lot of people now that are starting to speculate and be curious about this.

I don't know, let's say for example that somebody does come up with proof that something's screwy with his birth certificate and something's screwy about the fact that he's allegedly a natural citizen, American citizen, but may not be, dual citizenship, born in Kenya, who knows, there's all kinds of stuff out -- so what? What's going to happen this late in the campaign? Do you think if it's proven that they're going to dump him? That's not going to happen. But still, these are just questions that I have.

Sorry about the bold. Maybe I put the emPHAsis on the wrong syLAble.

But he is right. It is pure speculation and he has no clue. Kudos, Rush, you miserable low-life. It didn't meet the threshold (what could that threshold possibly be? I love these slime-merchants who state that they have these undeclared standards to bolster the credibility of their nonsense), but now it does. What changed, other than McCain's sinking poll numbers?

McCain Volunteer Mugged And Disfigured, Claims Attack Was Politically Motivated

A 20-year-old woman and McCain-Palin volunteer worker told police that she was mugged at an ATM in Pittsburgh last evening around 9 p.m. by an African-American assailant who proceeded to carve the letter "B" into her right cheek. The woman claims that after the mugging, the suspect became enraged by the sight of a John McCain bumper sticker on her car, prompting a savage barrage of punches and kicks which culminated in the disfiguring mark.

Both campaign released statements denouncing the act. Sarah Palin called the victim personally.

***UPDATE***: I didn't want to be the first to suggest this, but if Michelle Malkin is suprisingly willing to walk out on this ledge, perhaps I'll follow her from a distance, of course wearing the safety-line of "I'm probably off my rocker."

Malkin doubts the authenticity of this story and the victim's rendition of the circumstances surrouding the assault as she is already being fitted for stardom by the Drudge Report (thanks for playing, Joe the Plumber. Here is the McCain-Palin campaign game, home version, as a parting gift.).

Specifically (and this detail rubbed me the wrong way too), Malkin struggles with the fact that she refused medical treatment after reporting the incident to police.

One of Malkin's readers is most incredulous about the "B" being backwards on the victim's face, noting that if she applied the wound to herself in the mirror, it would appear correct in the reflection, but reversed on her cheek.

Then again, have we become too cynical? It's hard to strain out the genuine articles from the grifters in this polarized climate.

***UPDATE***: The Smoking Gun posts the Twitter page of alleged victim, Ashley Todd, before it went private two hours ago. Driving aimlessly through the wild streets of Pittsburgh at night in hopes of finding a Bank of America ATM to avoid a service fee? Hmmmmm. Foolish parsimony I guess. Almost unbelievable in my estimation.

***UPDATE****: More revelations about Ashley Todd, quickly becoming our generation's Hester Pyrnne. Some things don't add up and the police want to administer a polygraph. I'm still buying shares in the story's legitimacy at this point, but only to decrease my loss ratio if her dubious tale is vindicated. Hedging my bets here.

***UPDATE***: The scoffers gather kindling and rope to build the stake. Salient point: that's quite some penmanship you've got there, presumptively would-be attacker, for such a violent encounter. That's the neatest, um, backwards "B" I've ever seen chiseled on a face.

***UPDATE***:

Criminal assault by skin-embossing now becoming endemic to this long-in-the-tooth election cycle and the modus operandi of political thugs with scores to settle?

Perhaps in retaliation for Ashley Todd's harrowing (tall) tale of victimization at the hands of a pro-Obama (imaginary) attacker, this morning in Miami Beach, Florida, another reported incident of epidermal sloganizing: Captain Thaddeus Harris filed a complaint with local police after rising from an afternoon slumber on the beach to find the word "DORK" branded into his chest.

The events surrounding the incident remain fuzzy. At 2 pm, Harris applied two forms of sun-tanning products - a sunblock with a high UPF to keep out those "nasty ultra-violet rays" coupled with a dark tanning oil to "give him that deep, golden brown." After reprimanding his assistant, one Lieutenant Proctor, for standing "in his sun," Mr. Harris drifted into a peaceful sleep lying on his back in the sizzling heat of South Beach. He awoke to find the disgusting word imprinted between his nipples.

Police believe the perpetrator applied a substantial amount of sunscreen in shape of letters to exact the disparaging sentiment on Mr. Harris's body. Police also believe the attack was politically motivated as Harris's close friend, a musical, 6'4" African-American, Sergeant Larvelle Jones, is a public supporter of Senator Barack Obama.

When pressed for further comment, Captain Harris responded, "PROCTOR!!!!! WHERE . . . IS . . . PROCTOR!!!!!"

***UPDATE***: Oh this is rich - Ashley Todd's story is "changing" ("becoming more craptastic" if you're on the left, "evolving" or "being clarified" if you're on the right). Her new take? She was unconscious during the attack and discovered her scarlet "B" only after she roused. Just a side note, no biggie, probably not worth mentioning, but allegedly the surveillance camera filming the ATM where the purported attack took place has no visual record of Ashley Todd making a withdrawal. Strangely, I'm sort of rooting for her now because theatrics like this can stick with you (Tawana Brawley called - she wants her melodrama back). Another tidbit - police administered a polygraph and are following up on a "number of inconsistencies."

***UPDATE***: This story is blogging-pirate's booty. Okay, how to paraphrase the statements of John Moody, executive vice president of Fox News, with respect to the developing Ashley Todd . . . um . . . "watershed event 11 days before the election." You know what - take it away, Mr. Moody. I cannot do justice to your hyperbole:

MOMENT OF TRUTH

It had to happen.

Less than two weeks before we vote for a new president, a white woman says a black man attacked her, then scarred her face, and says there was a political motive for it.

Ashley Todd, a 20-year-old white volunteer for John McCain’s presidential campaign, says she was mugged at an ATM machine in Pittsburgh (my hometown) by a big black man. She further says he threw her down, then disfigured her by carving the letter “B” into her face with a sharp implement when he saw that she supported McCain, not Barack Obama.

Part of the appeal of, and the unspoken tension behind, Senator Obama’s campaign is his transformational status as the first African-American to win a major party’s presidential nomination.

That does not mean that he has erased the mutual distrust between black and white Americans, and this incident could become a watershed event in the 11 days before the election.

If Ms. Todd’s allegations are proven accurate, some voters may revisit their support for Senator Obama, not because they are racists (with due respect to Rep. John Murtha), but because they suddenly feel they do not know enough about the Democratic nominee.

If the incident turns out to be a hoax, Senator McCain’s quest for the presidency is over, forever linked to race-baiting.

For Pittsburgh, a city that has done so much to shape American history over the centuries, another moment of truth is at hand.

I just hope the police get to the bottom of this heinous crime before November 4 so I know how to vote. First, Joe the Plumber, now Ashley Todd. God forbid they find Caylee - a death knell for Obama in Florida. How many times can I revisit my support of Barack Obama and keep deciding to vote for him. Pittsburgh!!!!! The eyes of the world are watching you!

Has Fox News just thrown in the towel on any semblance of professionalism? I mean I trust Lee Webb, evening anchor for the Christian Broadcasting Network's 700 Club, to provide better news than Fox. How far away are we from camera cuts to Roger Ailes translating what Greta Van Susteren just said for the faithful viewers?

***UPDATE***: CASE CLOSED!!!!! Ashley Todd retracts every inch of her bullsh*t story, admitting to police that the attack didn't occur. She will now face charges for lying to police, filing a false report and not knowing the science of reflections in a mirror.

Epilogue? I wonder where Drudge will bury this turn of events? And congratulations Obama supporters - according to Mr. Moody of Fox News, "Senator McCain's quest for the presidency is over, forever linked to race-baiting."

Well that settles it. Now let's just see who you really are, Ms. Todd (masked pulled off). Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, John McCain!!!!! "My friends, I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you meddling bloggers."

Actually, one more thing. Mr. Moody's comments above truly merit some revisiting: "If Ms. Todd’s allegations are proven accurate, some voters may revisit their support for Senator Obama, not because they are racists (with due respect to Rep. John Murtha), but because they suddenly feel they do not know enough about the Democratic nominee."

This could be the most absurd statement made by any commentator during this zany election. Let me play out the logic: I'm supporting Obama. A black guy mugs a white girl in Pittsburgh. As a result, I may reassess my support of Obama. Why do I do this? Is it a metaphor? Barack Obama is going to politically mug white America? That's quite a ripple effect for a single mugging. Ever notice that when someone says "not because I'm or they're racists," it's usually followed by a galactically racist statement? Like saying "no offense . . . but you're anti-American."

No more of this nonsense. 11 days to go!

***UPDATE***: WHAT? UPDATE? YOU SAID CASE CLOSED????? Talking Points Memo reports that McCain's Pennsylvania communications director, Peter Feldman, offered up facts and particulars about the debunked Ashley Todd attack to reporters before anything was known about her report - including the allegation that Todd's assailant stated "you're with the McCain campaign? I'm going to teach you a lesson" prior to assaulting her.

I'm beating Malkin to the punch. I'm giving this a "-gate" name. Working title: Mirror-Mirror-gate.

What Are You Going To Be For Halloween? Vice President.

Can there be any remaining doubt that Governor Palin is playing "dress up." More distressing is how much money makeup artists make - why did I go to law school again?

***UPDATE***: Some perspective. Palin's makeup artist earned approximately 22,000 dollars for a two week period. In contrast, during this same period, McCain's foreign policy advisor earned only $12,000. At least the GOP ticket has its priorities straight.