Obama to Reboot WPA

Barack Obama is looking towards our collective future while borrowing from our past, apparently. The last time this country was in such a financial downward spiral, a visionary named Franklin - the to-that-point far lesser known fifth cousin of an older and bolder dude named Teddy - became president and rammed through quasi-Socialist legislation to turn this country into a pseudo-Socialist regime. Or so some like to Monday Morning Quarterback still, seventy years later. So, fittingly, pinko-Communist President-Elect Obama is reaching into the past and taking a page directly from FDR's "get us the hell out of this not-so-Great Depression" playbook. Obama announced his economic plan... and I feel like I've heard it before:

President-elect Barack Obama promoted an economic plan Saturday he said would create 2.5 million jobs by rebuilding roads and bridges and modernizing schools while developing alternative energy sources and more efficient cars.

Building roads? Building bridges? Modernization projects? Flying cars? Sounds to me like the Works Progress Administration, Version 2.008 (never heard of it? Educate thyself here).

Well, sounds well and good, Barack. But let's not forget that the Great War, not the WPA, was ultimately responsible for finally kicking the dust off of American industry and throttling the Great Depression. Not that the WPA (and its other be-acronym'd cousins) didn't build some great roads, bridges and dams. And if I get my flying car technology, then it's a raging success. But it does beg the question:

So, President-Elect-Comrade Obama... if we're really reliving the Great Depression, who are we going to attack to get out of it?

Gobble Gobble Also

Upon witnessing the carnage of turkey mass genocide in Wasilla this morning, Schindler Palin clucks "I could have done more. I should have done more."

"And cut. Hmmmm, still don't think we have the shot, Governor. I got to have more turkey slaughter in the background. Chip, can we have him grind more turkeys this time? Super. From the top: Scene 2, Sarah Palin presser at turkey concentration camp. Action!"

This woman deserves writing credit for the Daily Show.

SPECIAL POTATOE UPDATE: We're all gonna die!!!

A new report released by the intelligence community and summarized here (and in full here) predicts the state of the world in 2025. And let's just say that things don't sound good...

"The world of the near future will be subject to an increased likelihood of conflict over resources, including food and water, and will be haunted by the persistence of rogue states and terrorist groups with greater access to nuclear weapons," said the report by the National Intelligence Council.

Okay, so fights over food, water and the threat of nuclear terrorism, especially, the report predictably claims, in the Middle East. Sounds like the new (crappy) Bond movie, only without any hot chicks. The report also says that not only is global warming real, but that the smart investor would start putting their money in dollars as a result... CANADIAN dollars, that is...

The report, a year in the making, said that global warming will aggravate the scarcity of water, food and energy resources. Citing a British study, it said that climate change could force up to 200 million people to migrate to more temperate zones. "Widening gaps in birth rates and wealth-to-poverty ratios, and the impact of climate change, could further exacerbate tensions," it said. The report says the warming earth will extend Russia and Canada's growing season and ease their access to northern oil fields, strengthening their economies.

The bottom line of the report was that for those of us who have grown up in a world where the United States was the ultimate power in the universe, there are a few new Death Stars on the rise:

Although the United States is likely to remain the single most powerful actor, the United States' relative strength -- even in the military realm -- will decline and US leverage will become more strained.

Predictably, countries like India, China and Russia were forecast to start making like the Tampa Bay Rays - the butt of jokes no longer, and younger, faster and more dynamic than those old stalwarts, the bellwether Yanks. (see how it has two meanings!) Bottom line: all things remaining the same and equal, America is slip-sliding from its untouchable perch. And the intelligence community just confirmed it in writing.

Is there any good news? Well, actually, yes - there is:

The intelligence community expects that terrorism would survive until 2025, but in slightly different form, suggesting that Al Qaeda's "terrorist wave" might be breaking up. "Al Qaeda's inability to attract broad-based support might cause it to decay sooner than people think," it said. ...[Also o]n a positive note it added that an alternative to oil might be in place by 2025.

The alternative to oil, apparently, will be the energy generated by the mushroom clouds all over the Middle East, but you've got to look at the bright side.

She's Business Class

Here, have another one, on the house.

OTTAWA (Reuters) - Obese people have the right to two seats for the price of one on flights within Canada, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled on Thursday.

The high court declined to hear an appeal by Canadian airlines of a decision by the Canadian Transportation Agency that people who are "functionally disabled by obesity" deserve to have two seats for one fare.

No word on whether the high court will also consider the companion action seeking two complimentary meals with those seats.

Joe The Plumber Finally Gets His Book Deal

Of course he did. I'd rather read binary code during a simultaneous root canal/rectal exam.

Working title: "An American Floater: The Story of One's Citizen Refusal to be Flushed Away into the Sewer of Identity Politics." Cover photo to the left. Foreword to be penned by Ashley "Backwards B" Todd. Hannity has already committed a jacket blurb sight unseen: "This is the greatest book God has established in the history of the world."

The Potatoe has been granted an exclusive first look at the opening sentences of Chapter 1, nonsensically titled: "If he looks like a Muslim, has a name like a Muslim, hates Israel like a Muslim, then he sure ain't a duck":

Behold! On the stump like a snow hill. It is Barack Obama. Mmmm. I like dark meat.

I furtively moved forward through his adoring mob of apostles, trying not to arouse suspicion, reflecting sunshine into the inquisitive eyes of this enemy hoard with my gleaming bald noggin, tactically buffed to a shimmer, a trick I picked up snaking drains outside Cambodia in '68.

I was a hero then too; our boys never felt the cringe of humiliation seeing toilet water cresting over the top of the bowl after releasing an ungodly monster sh*t in the latrine. Not on Joe's watch.

So I had been here before, called to doody (i.e., a pun right there) by the demands of my country. Time to play the hero again, Joe, against another communist foe.

Was I afraid? In the words of our 2012 President, Sarah Palin, "you betcha." But the training keeps you steady - once you've swam through a 50-foot cesspool of sh*t-smelling foulness the likes of which you cannot begin to imagine as a civilian, fear takes on the redolence of roses. I eat pieces of sh*t like Barack Sadam Hussein Obama Bin-Laden for breakfast. Let's do this thing!

The fetid stench of Marxism and my poopy-smelling t-shirt, moist and stank from morning appointments, hung heavy over the crowd. But I, undaunted. Ready to take on a Kenyan-born would-be dictator. Oh no. Not on Joe's watch. I f**king love Israel . . .

From what we've read so far, An American Floater is a well-received, poignant Bildungsroman novelette snatched from the still-beating heart of German Enlightenment, as its protagonist, citizen Joe, a pulpy denizen of the real realm, an uber-slob sentinel of the proletariat, the deserving scion of the rustic, vulgar Romanticism within Emile Zola's Germinal, sprouts, blossoms and embodies the American polemic, given martyrdom by liberal schadenfreude, as he bends, but never breaks, becoming the Zeitgeist of his moment.

Or, it's a piece of sh*t.

Economic Hot Potatoe

Too soon, Chevy Volt. Too soon.

During campaigns no one likes to play the blame game. On the Hill, however, it's everyone's fault except the public servant in the mirror:

For now, however, with the federal emergency loan plan stalled in the Senate, lawmakers in both parties are engaged in a high-stakes game of chicken, positioning themselves to blame each other for the failure.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., scrapped plans Wednesday for a vote on a bill to carve $25 billion in new auto industry loans out of the $700 billion Wall Street rescue fund.
It's really up to Bush's team to act, he said.

"I don't believe we need the legislation," Reid said. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson can tap the financial industry bailout money to help auto companies, Reid said, but "he just doesn't want to do it."

Not our responsibility, countered the White House.

"If Congress leaves for a two-month vacation without having addressed this important issue ... then the Congress will bear responsibility for anything that happens in the next couple of months during their long vacation," said Dana Perino, the White House press secretary.

You think the American people will be fair and discriminating with the truckloads (Japanese manufactured trucks, 50 miles to the gallon) of blame at their disposal when Detroit goes belly up and the sky falls? Keep telling yourself that, Dana.

And not giving a red government cent to the Big Idiot 3 (i.e., America's Lenny Smalls to Japan's George Miltons: Honda, Toyota, Nissan) might be the most thoughtful and prudent action within this economic sh*tstorm. But if the proverbial "do-nothing" Congress wants to now, in fact, do nothing, then own the damn thing. Don't leave a flaming bag of auto industry poo on the White House's front step, play "ring and run," then fly your lobbyist-paid-for private jet down to Barbados for two months (for that matter, who the f**k takes two-month paid vacations besides new mothers on maternity leave?!?! Henry Waxman, you better show me one hideous-looking troll-baby before you're excused from the legislation table. Christ, even the retarded Texan only spends a month at a time clearing brush at the Crawford Ranch).

"A high stakes game of chicken?" When did our elected officials go all Rebel Without A Cause on us? Take off the leather jacket, Barney Frank. You are not cool!

Oh my God! I think I just became a pure fiscal conservative. Let's make the Bush tax cuts permanent. I don't want these feckless Beltway dolts taking another dollar of taxpayer money to spend frivolously on a bailout for eHarmony or Arby's.

You are no longer sound stewards of our money. No taxation without representation. Not one of you represents me.

They're Coming To Your Town!

America? Now the "rainbow city upon a hill" because you capitulated to gay militants and their potentate, Tim Gunn. Holla at your boy, Tony Perkins!

A new instructional DVD released by the American Family Association teaches yokels how to prevent gay activists from taking over their town's council and promulgating Cher's birthday as a local holiday. Here's the plot line (use the link for the trailer as well):

Residents of the small Arkansas town of Eureka Springs noticed the homosexual community was growing. But they felt no threat. They went about their business as usual. Then, one day, they woke up to discover that their beloved Eureka Springs, a community which was known far and wide as a center for Christian entertainment--had changed. The City Council had been taken over by a small group of homosexual activists.

The Eureka Springs they knew is gone. It is now a national hub for homosexuals. Eureka Springs is becoming the San Francisco of Arkansas. The story of how this happened is told in the new AFA DVD “They’re Coming To Your Town.”

Now, Eureka Springs suffers the fate of its sister springs, Palm Springs, and writhes in eternal damnation as the gay spring break mecca for leather-chap clad legions east of the Mississippi. "It's been awful. One day I'm serving Coors Light cans. The next I'm elbows deep in my recipes book looking for something weird called a 'Cosmo'. I'm at my breaking point. How many times can one man hear the phrase 'hot mess' during a shift," carped Jimmy Bob Billy-Bob, local and barkeep at the popular Eureka Springs watering hole "Harvey Firestein's" (recently changing its name from "Straight Shooters" under new ownership).

American Family Association? Family Research Council? Why does bigotry always come under the guise of the family? Don't gay people have families too or are they generated in laboratories? Godless liberal scientists!

Forgive me for not shaking hands

Sure, maybe Dana Perino can look at this video and spin it in a way to suggest that it was President Bush's choice not to shake hands with all the world leaders at the G-20 summit Saturday, but somehow that's not how I read it.



Maybe in his final weeks as POTUS Bush is trying to bring back George Washington and John Adams's practice...

Never Say "Bachmann" Five Times Into A Mirror

Like any good movie baddie, Michelle Bachmann is back. You thought she was dead, but she is not. Sure, the villagers may have burned down her castle with torches, but Bachmann cannot be killed by any contrivance of man. Every time I see her, the creepy piano score from Halloween clicks on inside my head.

You see, Michelle Bachmann is an urban legend. She is Keyser Söze. She does not exist. Or, should I say, the words that come out of her mouth and are captured on film do not exist. You might recall that a while back, Michelle called for the media to do an expose on members of Congress and "find out if they are pro-America or anti-America," in addition to saying that she was “very concerned” that Barack Obama “may have anti-American views.” If you've been reading this blog - and judging by the attendance figures, you haven't - you might recall Sidecar and Warm Apple Pie's raging hard-on of hatred for Michelle, expressed here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and, finally, here.

Well, as it turns out, that was all a figment of their imagination - and ours. You see, Michelle never said those things. As Politico reports here for the benefit of us simpletons who didn't pick up the phone for days after seeing The Ring, Bachmann never said any of that. Those comments are, in her words, spoken - naturally - on Fox News, an "urban legend." Let Bloody Mary herself tell you:

Asked about the comment Tuesday night on Fox’s “Hannity & Colmes,” Bachmann said, “That’s not what I said at all.” “You've said you were concerned during the campaign that Obama had anti-American views. You said the news media should do a penetrating expose and take a look at the views of the people in Congress and find out if they're pro or anti America,” host Alan Colmes said. “It's an urban legend that was created,” she responded. “That isn't what I said at all.”

Absolutely, positively not what she said. Totally not what almost cost her a congressional seat. Without question not the reason the GOP pulled its funding for her campaign. And, further and finally, absolutely not what she said in the following clip:



Please. Next the Liberal Media is going to be telling us that drinking Coke and eating Pop Rocks makes your stomach explode.

We'll Do It Live (The Club Remix)

This song is huge in Germany in 1938. And even The Potatoe is not immune to Hitler analogies.

Say It Ain't So, Mark!

Get ready to dance again, Mark.

I've always respected Mark Cuban, and will continue to do so until the government carries its burden of proof:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks professional basketball team, was charged with insider trading in shares of Mamma.com Inc, an Internet search engine firm, the Securities and Exchange Commission said on Monday.

Cuban, one of the five finalists to buy the Chicago Cubs pro baseball team, faces civil charges by acting on nonpublic information and selling shares of Mamma.com to avoid more than $750,000 in losses, the SEC alleged.

Sorry, Cubs fans. Looks like Mr. Cuban might be a bit too busy this coming year to own your 100 years of misery.

***UPDATE***: From Mark Cuban's blog: "I wish I could say more, but I will have to leave it to this, and let the judicial process do its job."

Also on the blog, Cuban's defense counsel, Stephen A. Best, from Dewey & LeBoeuf, responds to the SEC charges with an excerpt of his interview with the former CEO of Mamma.com Inc., stating Cuban made no verbal response to the offer of confidential information.

Hitler Was Nut(s)?

No shock here. You need two to complete the conquest of Europe (except for France, where a vagina will suffice).

Talking Points Memo: The Day In 100 Seconds

Nothing gives me more comfort when the Dow dips below the 8000 mark than seeing Gene Simmons on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, pumping up the Kiss Army, drolly predicting that, yes, Kiss condoms will get the economy "comin' and goin' again."

Barack, how about a cabinet post for Gene? We'll use his tongue to lick our wounds during the coming "recession" (if the word "recession" actually mean "depression").

Dirty Gene and the rest of today's ridiculousness in brief courtesy of TPM.

Moose Knuckled Under

ESPN reports that Yankees pitcher Mike Mussina will retire. He gets his 20-win season and calls it quits, no doubt whining about something when making his decision.

Is he a HOFer? No Cy Young Awards. No ERA titles. Never the best pitcher in the league in any given year. Only one 20-win season, despite playing on good teams for most of his career.

Verdict: Stewed.

Hahahaha - sank you, I be here all da veek.

Down Goes Stevens! Down Goes Stevens!

Look, Ted, piece of advice. On your first day in the joint, find the biggest guy in the lunch hall and blast his teeth in. But after that, pick him up off the ground and share your cornbread with him. See, the inmates will fear you, but respect you. They'll know you're a man not to be trifled with, but you live by a code. Other than that, don't drop the soap:

ANCHORAGE, Alaska – Sen. Ted Stevens, the longest serving Republican in Senate history, narrowly lost his re-election bid Tuesday, marking the downfall of a Washington political power and Alaska icon who couldn't survive a conviction on federal corruption charges. His defeat by Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich moves Senate Democrats within two seats of a filibuster-proof 60-vote majority . . .

Tuesday's tally of just over 24,000 absentee and other ballots gave Begich 150,728, or 47.76 percent, to 147,004, or 46.58 percent, for Stevens. There are about 2,500 overseas ballots yet to be counted.

In a related story, Sarah Palin announced she will fill the senatorial vacancy created by former senator Ted Stevens's departure to prison. When told that Mark Begich won and there was no void to fill, Palin responded, "But it has to be about job creation also, daggonit."

***UPDATE***: Convicted felon Ted Stevens concedes the election in a prepared statement. In another prepared statement, Big Bubba Muldoon, Stevens's future cellmate, welcomed the Former Senator to the care and custody of the Alaska Department of Corrections: "I'm gonna turn out that punk b*tch. Betta watch your old ass, fresh fish!"

Al-Qaeda translator to Obama: We Know Bad Words!!

So, the #2 man in Al-Qaeda, Ayman al-Zawahiri, today announced that President-Elect Obama, along with other notable black people such as secretaries of state Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice, are "house Negroes."

That's not the story though. See the story isn't that HE said that. HE actually did NOT say that. Actually, what he said, according to Fox News, translates literally from Arabic to "house slaves." But the translator over at Al-Qaeda - who graciously provided the English subtitles - wanted to make sure we understood that this was a RACIAL epithet and not simply a garden-variety insult, and added the subtitle "house Negroes" rather than "house slaves."

Good to know they are doing their market research about how best to make statements as degrading and insulting as possible. We don't want to lose anything in translation, guys.

Intelligent Conservatism Seeks A Bailout

By way of Wonkette, Kathryn Jean Lopez, editor of National Review Online, strapped for cash, goes all AIG on us, putting out a suntanned hand, begging for chump change:

Re: Cruising [Kathryn Jean Lopez]

I’m getting a number of e-mails from people who complain that we have some nerve asking for money after spending on a cruise last week. I totally understand how that looks bad. But here’s what you need to know: The reason we do these cruises is they bring in money. It’s another fundraiser. And rather than tanning in the Bahamas, we do work — panels, interviews, dinner, lunch, and other discussions. I tell you that not to whine — its a nice thing to work with a little sun in the cabin window vs. the usual Lexington Avenue noise. But we don’t do these as staff vacation perks. The time spent is an investment in the conservative future — because it supports NR and because real conversations happen, with policymakers, with young people, with supporters.

And like I said in my pitch today, National Review in all its forms has always and I suspect will always, rely on readers. Thank you again.

According to its pledge drive page, a donation of $2500 or more gets you the following:

A) “Thank You” letter and token of appreciation
B) Quarterly Publisher update
C) Listing in Annual Report
D) Monthly e-mail from NR editor/writer
E) Quarterly donor newsletter
F) Early access to cruise reservations
G) Quarterly conference call with NR writer/editor
H) Invitation to exclusive event during NR cruises
I) Lock of Sarah Palin's hair
J) Trig Palin

I'm joshing around on some of these: cruise reservations are made only on a first-come-first-served basis. Oh, and (J) is redundant: Trig is the mysterious "token of appreciation" in gift (A).

The Automobile Bailout: Saved by Zero (expectation of it getting done)

Democrats in Congress today told the auto industry to temper their expectations for a bailout, based on not having enough votes and President Bush saying "don't call us, we'll call nobody." Don't worry guys, our expectations for any of you guys getting anything productive done is

(SAVED BY) ZERO!!!

No, seriously. Get a clue, guys. Did someone say Clue? Was it Dana Petrino in the White House Press Room with no comment? No, it was Chris Dodd on the Hill with no progress. Or possibly Rosie the Riveter in the factory with no job. Nope... it was General Motors... in the courtroom... in Chapter Eleven.

Saved by zero.

How Do You Measure Yourself Against Other Presidents? By Height.

Hugh Hewitt records the surface data of the American economy on this past election day to begin his assault on the President-Elect:

When Barack Obama was elected:

The inflation rate was 3.7%
Unemployment was 6.5%
The prime was at 4%
The Dow closed at 9,625
The NASDAQ closed at 1,780
The S&P closed at 1,005
Oil was $60 a barrel.
U.S. monthly domestic oil production: appx 155 million barrels
U.S. proven oil reserves: 21.3 billion barrels
U.S. offshore proven reserves: 3.9 billion barrels

Hewitt proclaims these are the proper numbers to measure Obama's success. Of course, Hugh Hewitt is wrong, but at least he's dumb.

For starters, assuming there is an accurate, universally accepted empiric to measure the success of a President's policies as applied to the economy, wouldn't you begin your assessment period when the individual actually takes office on January 20 and can actually put these policies in place? Of course not. Why would you? The numbers could be worse on that day and make it much easier for Obama to improve on Hewitt's statistical window-dressing.

How about the stock market? It has always been more skittish than Howard Hughes sitting first row at a Gallagher show during the watermelon smash (non sequitur - how can you possibly live with yourself after paying money to go to a Gallagher show? Suicide isn't selfish, despite what people tell you.). The stock market clumsily measures overall investor confidence, not necessarily the fundamentals of the economy (which "are strong" as John McCain assuaged us during the campaign). But I'll play along. Here's a number: 10,609 - the Dow's closing average on the day George W. Bush took office. We'll check back on January 19, 2009 using Hugh's metric.

And the oil numbers? More right-wing obfuscation of the real problem with the current Republican administration's (lest we forget Bush still reigns) energy policy and the cavalier attitude of the American consumer. It's the numerical representation of the woefully dim GOP mantra "drill, baby, drill," despite endorsement by our nation's foremost energy expert, Sarah Palin.

At the end of Obama's first term, I will measure success by the proportion of domestic production/consumption of renewable, clean energy sources versus fossil fuels and petro-products. By the end of his second term, Obama's legacy will be measured by whether we can see our society free and clear of Middle Eastern oil and within two years of total energy independence (or pretty damn close). I will hold our new President to his Kennedy-esque pronouncement of realizing energy independence within 10 years. Jack's vision got us to the moon. Barack's vision should get us to the moon again using a spaceship powered by solar sails and a hydrogen fuel cell.

Hugh, let's cut away the rhetorical excess, shall we, and get down to brass tacks. One number - the Unemployment Rate - for the whole shebang. The Potatoe will record it on January 20, 2009 and wager . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . ONE EURO . . . that the number will be lower at the inception of Obama's second term, January 20, 2013.

Look, I know the stakes aren't that high, but we're in a rough patch here just like the rest of you. Hugh, be thankful it wasn't one dollar.

Blessed For You; Nead Urgint Reply; Relative, Hot Apple Pie, Deceased

If you don't know who's the sucker at the table after giving away $400,000 to a Nigerian email scam, then you . . . HOLY CRAP! YOU BLEW $400,000 ON A NIGERIAN EMAIL SCAM!:

SWEET HOME, Ore. — An Oregon woman who is out $400,000 after falling for a well-known Internet scam says she wasn't a sucker or an easy mark.

Janella Spears of Sweet Home says she simply became curious when she received an e-mail promising her $20.5 million if she would only help out a long-lost relative identified as J.B. Spears with a little money up front.

Spears told KATU-TV about the scammers' ability to identify her relative by name was persuasive.

"That's what got me to believe it," She said. "So, why wouldn't you send over $100?"
Spears, who is a nursing administrator and CPR teacher, said she mortgaged the house and took a lien out on the family car, and ran through her husband's retirement account.

"The retirement he was dreaming of — cruising and going around and seeing America — is pretty much gone for him right now," she said.

She estimates it will take two years to clear the debt that accumulated in the more than two years she spent sending money to con artists.

And Janella Spears no less, considered the brightest of the Spears sisters triumvirate. Britney was unavailable for comment. Jamie-Lynn is in seclusion and probably pregnant again, so The Potatoe didn't pursue an interview, but she is on the record stating Nigeria is her favorite state in the country of Africa.