Gobble Gobble Also

Upon witnessing the carnage of turkey mass genocide in Wasilla this morning, Schindler Palin clucks "I could have done more. I should have done more."

"And cut. Hmmmm, still don't think we have the shot, Governor. I got to have more turkey slaughter in the background. Chip, can we have him grind more turkeys this time? Super. From the top: Scene 2, Sarah Palin presser at turkey concentration camp. Action!"

This woman deserves writing credit for the Daily Show.

Joe The Plumber Finally Gets His Book Deal

Of course he did. I'd rather read binary code during a simultaneous root canal/rectal exam.

Working title: "An American Floater: The Story of One's Citizen Refusal to be Flushed Away into the Sewer of Identity Politics." Cover photo to the left. Foreword to be penned by Ashley "Backwards B" Todd. Hannity has already committed a jacket blurb sight unseen: "This is the greatest book God has established in the history of the world."

The Potatoe has been granted an exclusive first look at the opening sentences of Chapter 1, nonsensically titled: "If he looks like a Muslim, has a name like a Muslim, hates Israel like a Muslim, then he sure ain't a duck":

Behold! On the stump like a snow hill. It is Barack Obama. Mmmm. I like dark meat.

I furtively moved forward through his adoring mob of apostles, trying not to arouse suspicion, reflecting sunshine into the inquisitive eyes of this enemy hoard with my gleaming bald noggin, tactically buffed to a shimmer, a trick I picked up snaking drains outside Cambodia in '68.

I was a hero then too; our boys never felt the cringe of humiliation seeing toilet water cresting over the top of the bowl after releasing an ungodly monster sh*t in the latrine. Not on Joe's watch.

So I had been here before, called to doody (i.e., a pun right there) by the demands of my country. Time to play the hero again, Joe, against another communist foe.

Was I afraid? In the words of our 2012 President, Sarah Palin, "you betcha." But the training keeps you steady - once you've swam through a 50-foot cesspool of sh*t-smelling foulness the likes of which you cannot begin to imagine as a civilian, fear takes on the redolence of roses. I eat pieces of sh*t like Barack Sadam Hussein Obama Bin-Laden for breakfast. Let's do this thing!

The fetid stench of Marxism and my poopy-smelling t-shirt, moist and stank from morning appointments, hung heavy over the crowd. But I, undaunted. Ready to take on a Kenyan-born would-be dictator. Oh no. Not on Joe's watch. I f**king love Israel . . .

From what we've read so far, An American Floater is a well-received, poignant Bildungsroman novelette snatched from the still-beating heart of German Enlightenment, as its protagonist, citizen Joe, a pulpy denizen of the real realm, an uber-slob sentinel of the proletariat, the deserving scion of the rustic, vulgar Romanticism within Emile Zola's Germinal, sprouts, blossoms and embodies the American polemic, given martyrdom by liberal schadenfreude, as he bends, but never breaks, becoming the Zeitgeist of his moment.

Or, it's a piece of sh*t.

Down Goes Stevens! Down Goes Stevens!

Look, Ted, piece of advice. On your first day in the joint, find the biggest guy in the lunch hall and blast his teeth in. But after that, pick him up off the ground and share your cornbread with him. See, the inmates will fear you, but respect you. They'll know you're a man not to be trifled with, but you live by a code. Other than that, don't drop the soap:

ANCHORAGE, Alaska – Sen. Ted Stevens, the longest serving Republican in Senate history, narrowly lost his re-election bid Tuesday, marking the downfall of a Washington political power and Alaska icon who couldn't survive a conviction on federal corruption charges. His defeat by Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich moves Senate Democrats within two seats of a filibuster-proof 60-vote majority . . .

Tuesday's tally of just over 24,000 absentee and other ballots gave Begich 150,728, or 47.76 percent, to 147,004, or 46.58 percent, for Stevens. There are about 2,500 overseas ballots yet to be counted.

In a related story, Sarah Palin announced she will fill the senatorial vacancy created by former senator Ted Stevens's departure to prison. When told that Mark Begich won and there was no void to fill, Palin responded, "But it has to be about job creation also, daggonit."

***UPDATE***: Convicted felon Ted Stevens concedes the election in a prepared statement. In another prepared statement, Big Bubba Muldoon, Stevens's future cellmate, welcomed the Former Senator to the care and custody of the Alaska Department of Corrections: "I'm gonna turn out that punk b*tch. Betta watch your old ass, fresh fish!"

Intelligent Conservatism Seeks A Bailout

By way of Wonkette, Kathryn Jean Lopez, editor of National Review Online, strapped for cash, goes all AIG on us, putting out a suntanned hand, begging for chump change:

Re: Cruising [Kathryn Jean Lopez]

I’m getting a number of e-mails from people who complain that we have some nerve asking for money after spending on a cruise last week. I totally understand how that looks bad. But here’s what you need to know: The reason we do these cruises is they bring in money. It’s another fundraiser. And rather than tanning in the Bahamas, we do work — panels, interviews, dinner, lunch, and other discussions. I tell you that not to whine — its a nice thing to work with a little sun in the cabin window vs. the usual Lexington Avenue noise. But we don’t do these as staff vacation perks. The time spent is an investment in the conservative future — because it supports NR and because real conversations happen, with policymakers, with young people, with supporters.

And like I said in my pitch today, National Review in all its forms has always and I suspect will always, rely on readers. Thank you again.

According to its pledge drive page, a donation of $2500 or more gets you the following:

A) “Thank You” letter and token of appreciation
B) Quarterly Publisher update
C) Listing in Annual Report
D) Monthly e-mail from NR editor/writer
E) Quarterly donor newsletter
F) Early access to cruise reservations
G) Quarterly conference call with NR writer/editor
H) Invitation to exclusive event during NR cruises
I) Lock of Sarah Palin's hair
J) Trig Palin

I'm joshing around on some of these: cruise reservations are made only on a first-come-first-served basis. Oh, and (J) is redundant: Trig is the mysterious "token of appreciation" in gift (A).

Gretawatch: The Lantern-Jawed Banshee Continues To Stalk Palin

Greta continues to shill for Governor Palin, declaring her "the front runner" for the Republican Presidential nomination in 2012. Interviewing a local Miami journalist about the Republican Governors Association conference this week (or, as Greta puts it, Sarah Palin's vetting process meet-n-greet for vice presidential hopefuls), Van Susteren and her lantern jaw gushed over Palin's big reception by the media covering her very first presser . . . um . . . eight days after the election. She fielded four questions, responding at times, unexpectedly, with a smattering of words. Still, sentences were conspicuously absent.

Staying fair and balanced, I cannot report that Greta verbally acknowledged her sapphic tendencies when she interacts with the Saracuda, but draw your own conclusions from wearing Palin's panties on her face during the entire broadcast of Friday's On The Record. I found it telling.

By the way, if Greta calls Todd Palin "the first dude" one more time I'm going to rip my clothes off and hug the sun:



***UPDATE***: Greta is a Scientologist. I'm just saying. Keep her away from couches, Oprah and questions about her feelings for Palin.

"The Perils Of 'Populist Chic'"

Mark Lilla of the Wall Street Journal proffers "what the rise of Sarah Palin and populism means for the conservative intellectual tradition" and mourns the death of the conservative elitism:

So what happened? How, 30 years later, could younger conservative intellectuals promote a candidate like Sarah Palin, whose ignorance, provinciality and populist demagoguery represent everything older conservative thinkers once stood against? It's a sad tale that began in the '80s, when leading conservatives frustrated with the left-leaning press and university establishment began to speak of an "adversary culture of intellectuals." It was a phrase borrowed from the great literary critic Lionel Trilling, who used it to describe the disquiet at the heart of liberal societies. Now the idea was taken up and distorted by angry conservatives who saw adversaries everywhere and decided to cast their lot with "ordinary Americans" whom they hardly knew. In 1976 Irving Kristol publicly worried that "populist paranoia" was "subverting the very institutions and authorities that the democratic republic laboriously creates for the purpose of orderly self-government." But by the mid-'80s, he was telling readers of this newspaper that the "common sense" of ordinary Americans on matters like crime and education had been betrayed by "our disoriented elites," which is why "so many people -- and I include myself among them -- who would ordinarily worry about a populist upsurge find themselves so sympathetic to this new populism."

The die was cast. Over the next 25 years there grew up a new generation of conservative writers who cultivated none of their elders' intellectual virtues -- indeed, who saw themselves as counter-intellectuals. Most are well-educated and many have attended Ivy League universities; in fact, one of the masterminds of the Palin nomination was once a Harvard professor. But their function within the conservative movement is no longer to educate and ennoble a populist political tendency, it is to defend that tendency against the supposedly monolithic and uniformly hostile educated classes. They mock the advice of Nobel Prize-winning economists and praise the financial acumen of plumbers and builders. They ridicule ambassadors and diplomats while promoting jingoistic journalists who have never lived abroad and speak no foreign languages. And with the rise of shock radio and television, they have found a large, popular audience that eagerly absorbs their contempt for intellectual elites. They hoped to shape that audience, but the truth is that their audience has now shaped them.

In the wake of a good walloping by the Democrats, there remains considerable (albeit surprising) clamor on the right for a Palin run in 2012. Word of advice: Think long and hard about your next nominee, Republicans. Don't rush to judgment with the wounds of the election still fresh. Take some time to convalesce. Embrace the back bench for a spell, react and dissent, play the watchdog, then methodically and pragmatically form your shadow cabinet. Each passing day brings a different world and a different political milieu. Be reflexive, yet patient - you cannot defeat Obama today or tomorrow.

Most important, in the words of Bobby Jindal, be "authentic." Denounce greed and graft without hesitation. Be loyal to the American people, not partisan obligation. Earn our trust back.

"His Choice?"

Normally I resist posting campaign ads produced by either ticket, but this one put a charge in me. Very simple. Very topical. Very true:



I've exceeded my video quota for the day, but reserve the right to post a clip of McCain and Palin's faces superimposed on Bill Allen and Lori Loughlin bike-dancing to "Send Me An Angel" by Australian band Real Life in the seminal eighties film Rad.*

*Shout out to Defective Pants for daring to dream.

Governor Palin Says Everything But The Right Thing In Response To Senator Stevens's Conviction

Bill Dyer, guest posting on Hugh Hewitt's blog, offers dizzying circumlocution in justifying Governor Palin's hesitancy to demand Alaska Senator Ted Stevens immediate withdrawal of his reelection bid after conviction on seven counts of making false statements on ethical disclosure forms.

I mean Dyer's post is unabashed partisan junk: he even provides a transcript of Govern Palin's imaginary comments to Stevens in private:

Here's my guess as to what Gov. Palin saying privately, because it's what I would say to him if I were in her position:

"Ted, for now, I'm going to continue to be restrained and appropriate in what I say in public. But you owe it to your party, and to the people who've voted for you in years past, not to take everything down with you in flames.

"Accordingly, now — before Election Day — you need to hand to me, as the Governor of Alaska, a formal, irrevocable letter of resignation which is automatically effective as of the instant that your post-verdict (pre-appellate) motion for new trial in the federal district court is denied (even though you may still have appellate avenues open at that point to challenge that judgment).

"Having made that commitment and signed that binding letter, Ted, then you can again ask the voters of Alaska to give you their votes — and they, in turn, can vote for you secure in the knowledge that one of either two things will happen: (a) The jury's verdict will be overturned, your presumption of innocence will be restored, and you'll have another day in court. Or else: (b) As Governor of Alaska, either I or perhaps Sean Parnell (as my successor) will appoint a qualified, honest Republican who will carry forward the Republican Party's best policies and ideals in the U.S. Senate seat you have occupied for so long."

No, I figure Palin said something more like: "also it's gotta be about recusing yourself, Ted. You betcha I'm going to make the case, whaddaya expect - a couple of mavericks, ruffling feathers, shaking things up, say it ain't so, Joe. Thanks, but no thanks on that conviction to nowhere."

It's going to be a sour last week.