Never Say "Bachmann" Five Times Into A Mirror

Like any good movie baddie, Michelle Bachmann is back. You thought she was dead, but she is not. Sure, the villagers may have burned down her castle with torches, but Bachmann cannot be killed by any contrivance of man. Every time I see her, the creepy piano score from Halloween clicks on inside my head.

You see, Michelle Bachmann is an urban legend. She is Keyser Söze. She does not exist. Or, should I say, the words that come out of her mouth and are captured on film do not exist. You might recall that a while back, Michelle called for the media to do an expose on members of Congress and "find out if they are pro-America or anti-America," in addition to saying that she was “very concerned” that Barack Obama “may have anti-American views.” If you've been reading this blog - and judging by the attendance figures, you haven't - you might recall Sidecar and Warm Apple Pie's raging hard-on of hatred for Michelle, expressed here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and, finally, here.

Well, as it turns out, that was all a figment of their imagination - and ours. You see, Michelle never said those things. As Politico reports here for the benefit of us simpletons who didn't pick up the phone for days after seeing The Ring, Bachmann never said any of that. Those comments are, in her words, spoken - naturally - on Fox News, an "urban legend." Let Bloody Mary herself tell you:

Asked about the comment Tuesday night on Fox’s “Hannity & Colmes,” Bachmann said, “That’s not what I said at all.” “You've said you were concerned during the campaign that Obama had anti-American views. You said the news media should do a penetrating expose and take a look at the views of the people in Congress and find out if they're pro or anti America,” host Alan Colmes said. “It's an urban legend that was created,” she responded. “That isn't what I said at all.”

Absolutely, positively not what she said. Totally not what almost cost her a congressional seat. Without question not the reason the GOP pulled its funding for her campaign. And, further and finally, absolutely not what she said in the following clip:



Please. Next the Liberal Media is going to be telling us that drinking Coke and eating Pop Rocks makes your stomach explode.

The Faint Sound Of Impeachment Drums

As reported by Serendipity, on his negative 62nd day on the job, the first calls for the impeachment of President-Elect Barack Obama.

Surrogates Go Where McCain Will Not

As reported by Ben Smith at Politico, The National Republican Trust, a right-wing political action committee, will spend 2.5 million dollars bringing Reverend Wright to the forefront for voters in the crucial battleground states of Pennsylvania (Obama with a big 12 point cushion), Ohio (leaning towards Obama at a 5 point margin) and Florida (practically a dead heat).*

Here's the visual weapon of choice:



As I posted earlier, it was inevitable that the Republicans choose this "nuclear option" even with a desultory John McCain taking it off the table (McCain's ideological impermanence throughout this campaign grants implicit permission for the RNC to run wild and try anything). And rightly so - why would you accept defeat without taking one more shot at the end zone? Why would right wing fear-mongering and demagoguery go out with a whimper when it spent the past decade excoriating America for any temptation to go another way?

However, the demagoguery flows here from the presentation of the message, not from its substance. This is a justified assailment of Barack Obama. He should be taken to task for a person he has consorted with for more than twenty years as a self-described mentor (certainly a much more legitimate line of attack than the William Ayers phooey). Wright is a much more personal figure to Senator Obama and not easily dismissed as a fellow board member or a "person in the neighborhood."

By his own account, Obama gleaned insight and received guidance from Reverend Wright. Wright has made inflammatory, truly anti-American remarks of the same ilk as Ward Churchill's or Cindy Sheehan's lunatic brand of commentary. Obama has attended over 500 firebrand sermons delivered by the incendiary leader of his church. I have no quarrel with someone asking Obama for a bit of elaboration here.

* polliing data from pollster.com.

Followup to WAP's "McCain/elitist" post

(Pat Bateman pre-article warning - it's long. Don't complain. If you have a short attention span, skip it.)

I was going to simply leave a comment on WAP's post about John McCain calling New Yorkers "elitists" but I'm so angry at these statements by McCain that I think it deserves its own post (okay, rant...and a long one at that, I'm sorry WAP). This is something that has always irked me and will continue to always get my dander up, but usually politicians are cagey in their short-shrift to educated, liberal city-folk. But John McCain at least had the gumption to admit it directly, and so let me respond directly.

I don't care, like WAP points out, if this is provincial pandering. Probably is - chances are John McCain does not think everyone he's served with in Washington for two decades is an un-American elitist. But to say it, no matter for what possible political benefit, makes me want to waterboard him.

Ah, John, you don't like those unpatriotic American elitists in New York in their Ivory Towers much, huh? Those un-American citizens from those elitist cities, who burn the flag every day upon rising and lay down to sleep on Socialist sheets... they aren't what America is all about, right John? Guess what John... on behalf of New York, you are hereby restricted from ever discussing September 11th, 2001 again. Ever.

On that day, John, this elitist watched in horror as his hometown burned, and wondered if there were more attacks on the way. This elitist had his office building evacuated when they found anthrax across the street and wondered if he was going to be killed in a biological attack. This elitist knows the names of men - nay, truly they were still boys who never had the chance to fully become men - with whom he shared beer (domestic beer, John, don't worry - no elitist imports) and baseball who lost their lives that day. You, John, are never - ever - allowed to invoke that day for your political benefit again. No, more than that - your entire party is hereby banned. Collective punishment. I'm tired of it, and I think I speak for most of my fellow elitists when I say "this far, no further, John. You have now crossed the rubicon. You have gone too far, sir."

Perhaps this is simply my snooty elitism shining through in rational thought, but I just continue to find it so interesting that those Socialists who worked in the World Trade Center (I can only imagine from your description of New Yorkers that the real business of most who worked there was the overthrow of Capitalism itself) were the ones who died when America was attacked by terrorists and us elitist New Yorkers continue to be the Americans on US soil under constant threat of attack. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I haven't seen any security alerts or evacuations in Wasilla since... wait, ever. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Were the terrorists just stupid, John? Did they intend to attack Peoria and just say "screw it - that's too far. You have to connect, like, six times to get there from Saudi Arabia. What US city has a lot of connecting flights from abroad? New York? Uch, I mean, can't we do better than that? America doesn't care about New York. Uch, and Washington DC? Praised be Allah, even worse! But for convenience sake, let's just stick with those and see how it plays out."

Silly terrorists - all they did was kill a bunch of elitists. Perhaps if they'd gone to school more, they'd have understood the difference between "real" America and those unpatriotic elitists in New York and DC that the rest of the country despises. But, of course, the paradox arises that if they'd gone to school more, they'd probably have been elitists too (it's spread, like mono, mostly during freshman year of college through close contact. Mostly through germs on well-used copies of The Communist Manifesto), and thus too busy sodomizing each other ironically with baseballs and Mom's apple pie to martyr themselves.

It's one of those things that is so laughable that if you discussed it in the context of another country, it would be so nonsensical that you would not believe it. Imagine if the residents of some tiny, provincial outlying desert town in Israel claimed that residents of Tel Aviv and Jerusalem were elitist and "anti-Israel" and unpatriotic, despite their choice to live somewhere under constant threat of attack from enemies. You would wonder what had gotten into their hummus. "What could be MORE patriotic than refusing to leave your home town, city or country despite the threat to your family or your very life? Refusing to submit or change in the face of danger - those are the true patriots," you would think to yourself. Reminds you of that ragtag but spirited band that drove the Brits out of Dodge, right? (Just not the Founding Fathers though - those guys were totally elitist douchebags. All doctors and lawyers and scientists and writers. I'm surprised the non-elitist "Joe homegrown rye whiskey" Colonists didn't burn them at the stake, frankly. I mean, John Adams went to Harvard. He's was practically Muhammad Atta.)

"How's the view from the cheap seats?" you'd think to yourself. "Must be really easy to criticize those who have to wonder if their bus is going to explode from hundreds of miles away from the bombs and blood." You would call these people cowards, lobbing explosive words from their position safely behind the front lines - their own front lines at whom they toss their poisonous verbal missiles.

Refusing to change your way of life under threat of bodily harm - these are the true patriots of any country. They love their country so much that they will not be cowed. They will not move their homes, their families or themselves. They will not submit to violence and terror. They will resist by continuing to live in the face of aggression, perhaps afraid but ultimately unmoved in spirit and courage. They will risk their lives every day by the simple act of living somewhere under fire. But their way of life is too important to be compromised. Their daily lives are a testament to the definition of patriotism. If that is elitist, I am guilty as charged - and would never want to be anything but.

Yet when we face that same situation here in America, it is somehow acceptable to paint the only American citizens who have ever been in real, actual danger as un-patriotic, un-American elitist snobs who thumb their noses at this country and then wipe it with the Stars and Stripes. I was never mad at you, John. Disappointed? Sure. Saddened? Yup. Never mad though.

But not now.

Now I'm angry, John. Not to put too fine a point on it, without using those snobby elitist SAT words that us city folks throw around, let me be plain: go fuck yourself.

GOP Hussy Bachmann Administers My Crazy Pill Dosage, Denies "Anti-American" Statements Despite Video Evidence

Unconscionable.

I would have preferred she hire Barry Scheck to cast doubt on the authenticity of the footage from Chris Matthews's Hardball or question the chain of custody and the promulgated procedures for videotape handling over at MSNBC. Better yet, she could have denied she ever appeared on Matthews's program.

I mean - OJ's sell was only a bit less challenging and he got off. I don't think a clip of OJ doing the Heisman pose with Ron Goldman's head would have made a difference to that jury. And Bachmann follows suit, relying on Joe the Lazy Citizen's normal rejection of irrefutable facts verified by concrete visual or scientific evidence.

These deep-in-the-tank right wingers have no shame reflex. None at all. Unflinching cynics.

You have anti-American views, Michelle Bachmann. Let me repeat myself for firm posterity: Michelle Bachmann has anti-American views. Let me not mince words: Congresswoman Bachmann from Minnesota's Sixth District holds anti-American views. I'm not just concerned that she might possess these views - I'm stating that indeed she has them and she adheres to them.

I am Sidecar. I am of sound mind. I just said that sh*t. Please hold me accountable and assign me the position that Michelle Bachmann holds anti-American views until such time I abdicate this stance via an unambiguous retraction.

Gosh, I'd rather choke to death on these GOP-base crazy pills, than keep taking them for four more years. At least the DNC loons bottle crazy pills in gelatin-capsule form for much easier swallowing.