ODB "Likes It Raw," But Not This Raw Deal

Dead at 36, Russell Jones, a.k.a. Ol' Dirty Bastard, a.k.a, Dirt McGirt, a.k.a. Big Baby Jesus, allowed MTV cameras to accompany him in a limo to a New York City welfare office to get his family's allotment of food stamps. Citibank prefers a private jet to Washington D.C, but travels with similar irony.

From a Malkin reader, fed up:

I have been a Citibank cardholder since 2002. I have a better than average credit score and a perfect payment history with Citibank. My current APR on my Citibank credit card is 7.99%. Yesterday, the same day I find out Citibank is receiving $25 billion in bailout cash from our tax dollars, I received a notice with my billing statement stating my APR would nearly double to 14.99%.

You're supposed to use bailout (i.e., taxpayer) monies to extend credit, not hike rates and screw your customers. You're supposed to use bailout (i.e., taxpayer) monies to restore a measure of fiscal sanity and forethought to your blundering corporate management, not reap a congressional windfall, then double-recover on the back end.

I cannot stomach these sinister CEO suits appearing before our nincompoop Congress, playing Oliver Twist, begging for some more government soup, with their shit-eating grins and their "shit happens" philosophy on operating a company, all the while sleeping on Egyptian cotton sheets with four-digit thread counts. You should be wearing a barrel with suspenders, you financial sector f**k-sticks! Hit the pavement! Use the sidewalk as a pillow, you captains of failed industry! Your dimwitted leadership isn't worth the paper you print your cooked books on.

I cannot take much more of this economic crisis. I think I'm cracking. Calgon, "take me away!" Or don't:

The maker of Calgon, who's slogan was "take me away" and Mr. Bubble has filed for bankruptcy.

Ascendia Brands Inc. has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protectionand said it would try to sell itself.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Sh*t! Dammit! Bail them out! Do it now!

Red Dawn?

The commie bastards took our McGriddles! Wolverines!!!

Oh damn. Gird your loins, folks!

Russian Professor Igor Panarin, described as a "leading Russian political analyst," predicts a new dawn for Mother Russia spawned from the economic collapse of the United States of America (courtesy of Drudge):

Professor Igor Panarin said in an interview with the respected daily IZVESTIA published on Monday: "The dollar is not secured by anything. The country's foreign debt has grown like an avalanche, even though in the early 1980s there was no debt. By 1998, when I first made my prediction, it had exceeded $2 trillion. Now it is more than 11 trillion. This is a pyramid that can only collapse."

The paper said Panarin's dire predictions for the U.S. economy, initially made at an international conference in Australia 10 years ago at a time when the economy appeared strong, have been given more credence by this year's events. When asked when the U.S. economy would collapse, Panarin said: "It is already collapsing. Due to the financial crisis, three of the largest and oldest five banks on Wall Street have already ceased to exist, and two are barely surviving. Their losses are the biggest in history. Now what we will see is a change in the regulatory system on a global financial scale: America will no longer be the world's financial regulator."

When asked who would replace the U.S. in regulating world markets, he said: "Two countries could assume this role: China, with its vast reserves, and Russia, which could play the role of a regulator in Eurasia."

Then, after a brief consultation with Michael Bay, the Ruskie pedagogue took it one step further; a geographic collapse for America as well?:

[Panarin] predicted that the U.S. will break up into six parts - the Pacific coast, with its growing Chinese population; the South, with its Hispanics; Texas, where independence movements are on the rise; the Atlantic coast, with its distinct and separate mentality; five of the poorer central states with their large Native American populations; and the northern states, where the influence from Canada is strong.

He even suggested that "we could claim Alaska - it was only granted on lease, after all." Panarin, 60, is a professor at the Diplomatic Academy of the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and has authored several books on information warfare.

The "Office of the President-Elect" responded to Panarin's prognostication with caution: "Just to be clear, while President-Elect Obama strongly disagrees with Mr. Panarin's despicable remarks, he looks forward to a constructive dialogue over the fate of Alaska."

Talking Points Memo: The Day In 100 Seconds

Nothing gives me more comfort when the Dow dips below the 8000 mark than seeing Gene Simmons on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, pumping up the Kiss Army, drolly predicting that, yes, Kiss condoms will get the economy "comin' and goin' again."

Barack, how about a cabinet post for Gene? We'll use his tongue to lick our wounds during the coming "recession" (if the word "recession" actually mean "depression").

Dirty Gene and the rest of today's ridiculousness in brief courtesy of TPM.