Thanks, But No Thanks, On That Endorsement To Nowhere

Well, you knew it would happen. In the throes of the 72-hour push campaign from McCain-Palin and the RNC, a ominous voice chimes in to alter the course of this race. Shades of 2004 when terror beset the country and paralyzed John Kerry's supporters on the eve of the election.

He hates our freedom and liberty. Hates our Constitution. Hates that the . . . Democrats occupy his holy land. It's Osama Bin Cheney:



Oh my God! He's back! Your "November Surprise."

Cheney really pitching in, trying to swing the pendulum in the hotly contested battleground state of . . . Wyoming . . . and its highly coveted 3 electoral votes. The scuttlebutt is Cheney will hold a rally for McCain-Palin deep inside an abandoned mine in southern Idaho around 2 a.m., followed by a quick jaunt to Utah to conduct a press avail before sunrise in front of a group of home-schooled children locked inside the basement of a dismantled iron smelting plant. Cheney will then return to his subterranean lair beneath Washington D.C. to enjoy Fox News' election coverage, eager to discover who will be the next puppet-president under his supervision.

***UPDATE***: Barack Obama comments on Dick Cheney's timely endorsement of John McCain:

President Bush is sitting out the last few days before the election. But earlier today, Dick Cheney came out of his undisclosed location and hit the campaign trail. He said that he is, and I quote, "delighted to support John McCain."

So George Bush may be in an undisclosed location, but Dick Cheney's out there on the campaign trail because he'd be delighted to pass the baton to John McCain. He knows that with John McCain you get a twofer: George Bush's economic policy and Dick Cheney's foreign policy – but that's a risk we cannot afford to take.

In response, after giving a brief stump speech on McCain's behalf to the crew of a cargo ship off the coast of Nova Scotia, a red-faced Vice President Cheney exploded to his security detail, "Bring Obama to me!!!!!!!!!!!! Alive, if possible. Dead? Just as good." With the entire ship frozen with bewilderment, Cheney suddenly unsheathed a large umbrella, shed its nylon skin revealing whirling blades, and helicoptered off the deck of the vessel, cackling loudly.

***UPDATE***: To add insult to injury, Dick Cheney's hometown Wyoming newspaper endorses Barack Obama for President of the United States. That's got to smart a bit.

Sacrifice!!!!!

The Kansas Citian reports that an Obama victory could be bitter sweet, as an African village portends the slaughter of innocent bull in his honor.

In a related story, the Pennsylvania sanitation department warns that a McCain victory may result in a systematic failure of all plumbing statewide due to a prolific deluge of bull sh*t.

If A GOP Ticket Falls In A Forest . . .

At a McCain event this morning in Defiance, Ohio (aptly named as McCain defies statistics and maps), 6000 of the enthusiastic faithful rallied to hear stories of "Real American patriotism" and the wickedness of Islamosocialism.

Unfortunately, less than 2000 of them can vote.

Not sure about the voting eligibility status of crickets.

"Hey Maverick! I'm A Maverick! You're A Maverick! We're The Maverick Team!"

As requested by reader Damn Sam, at a rally this morning in Florida, Joe Biden has a bit of fun with the McCain-Palin "couple of mavericks" persona:



God love yah, Joe Biden. Finally somebody said it!

Trouble in GOP Shangri-La?

Watch very closely for signs of a McCain-Palin meltdown as next week progresses. Often, in the final days of an ill-fated campaign, after the sobering realization that almost two years of yeoman work will go unrewarded, personal enmity springs forth from the candidate's inner sanctum and the invidious rot quickly spreads outward. From CNN:

With 10 days until Election Day, long-brewing tensions between GOP vice presidential candidate Gov. Sarah Palin and key aides to Sen. John McCain have become so intense, they are spilling out in public, sources say.

Several McCain advisers have suggested to CNN that they have become increasingly frustrated with what one aide described as Palin "going rogue."

A Palin associate, however, said the candidate is simply trying to "bust free" of what she believes was a damaging and mismanaged roll-out . . .

. . . A second McCain source says she appears to be looking out for herself more than the McCain campaign.

"She is a diva. She takes no advice from anyone," said this McCain adviser. "She does not have any relationships of trust with any of us, her family or anyone else."

"Also, she is playing for her own future and sees herself as the next leader of the party. Remember: Divas trust only unto themselves, as they see themselves as the beginning and end of all wisdom."

Count me in the camp assessing this election as still too close to call and teetering ever so close to the margin-of-error. However, if John McCain's campaign truly now finds itself on the brink, it is customary for the vanquished party to air the dirty laundry and reconfigure the power structure for future prospects. Remember: The 2012 campaign begins on November 5, 2008.

***UPDATE***: Christian Science Monitor reports senior advisors for the McCain campaign are distancing themselves from Governor Palin. Palin, in turn, is distancing herself from John McCain's policies.

McCain Volunteer Mugged And Disfigured, Claims Attack Was Politically Motivated

A 20-year-old woman and McCain-Palin volunteer worker told police that she was mugged at an ATM in Pittsburgh last evening around 9 p.m. by an African-American assailant who proceeded to carve the letter "B" into her right cheek. The woman claims that after the mugging, the suspect became enraged by the sight of a John McCain bumper sticker on her car, prompting a savage barrage of punches and kicks which culminated in the disfiguring mark.

Both campaign released statements denouncing the act. Sarah Palin called the victim personally.

***UPDATE***: I didn't want to be the first to suggest this, but if Michelle Malkin is suprisingly willing to walk out on this ledge, perhaps I'll follow her from a distance, of course wearing the safety-line of "I'm probably off my rocker."

Malkin doubts the authenticity of this story and the victim's rendition of the circumstances surrouding the assault as she is already being fitted for stardom by the Drudge Report (thanks for playing, Joe the Plumber. Here is the McCain-Palin campaign game, home version, as a parting gift.).

Specifically (and this detail rubbed me the wrong way too), Malkin struggles with the fact that she refused medical treatment after reporting the incident to police.

One of Malkin's readers is most incredulous about the "B" being backwards on the victim's face, noting that if she applied the wound to herself in the mirror, it would appear correct in the reflection, but reversed on her cheek.

Then again, have we become too cynical? It's hard to strain out the genuine articles from the grifters in this polarized climate.

***UPDATE***: The Smoking Gun posts the Twitter page of alleged victim, Ashley Todd, before it went private two hours ago. Driving aimlessly through the wild streets of Pittsburgh at night in hopes of finding a Bank of America ATM to avoid a service fee? Hmmmmm. Foolish parsimony I guess. Almost unbelievable in my estimation.

***UPDATE****: More revelations about Ashley Todd, quickly becoming our generation's Hester Pyrnne. Some things don't add up and the police want to administer a polygraph. I'm still buying shares in the story's legitimacy at this point, but only to decrease my loss ratio if her dubious tale is vindicated. Hedging my bets here.

***UPDATE***: The scoffers gather kindling and rope to build the stake. Salient point: that's quite some penmanship you've got there, presumptively would-be attacker, for such a violent encounter. That's the neatest, um, backwards "B" I've ever seen chiseled on a face.

***UPDATE***:

Criminal assault by skin-embossing now becoming endemic to this long-in-the-tooth election cycle and the modus operandi of political thugs with scores to settle?

Perhaps in retaliation for Ashley Todd's harrowing (tall) tale of victimization at the hands of a pro-Obama (imaginary) attacker, this morning in Miami Beach, Florida, another reported incident of epidermal sloganizing: Captain Thaddeus Harris filed a complaint with local police after rising from an afternoon slumber on the beach to find the word "DORK" branded into his chest.

The events surrounding the incident remain fuzzy. At 2 pm, Harris applied two forms of sun-tanning products - a sunblock with a high UPF to keep out those "nasty ultra-violet rays" coupled with a dark tanning oil to "give him that deep, golden brown." After reprimanding his assistant, one Lieutenant Proctor, for standing "in his sun," Mr. Harris drifted into a peaceful sleep lying on his back in the sizzling heat of South Beach. He awoke to find the disgusting word imprinted between his nipples.

Police believe the perpetrator applied a substantial amount of sunscreen in shape of letters to exact the disparaging sentiment on Mr. Harris's body. Police also believe the attack was politically motivated as Harris's close friend, a musical, 6'4" African-American, Sergeant Larvelle Jones, is a public supporter of Senator Barack Obama.

When pressed for further comment, Captain Harris responded, "PROCTOR!!!!! WHERE . . . IS . . . PROCTOR!!!!!"

***UPDATE***: Oh this is rich - Ashley Todd's story is "changing" ("becoming more craptastic" if you're on the left, "evolving" or "being clarified" if you're on the right). Her new take? She was unconscious during the attack and discovered her scarlet "B" only after she roused. Just a side note, no biggie, probably not worth mentioning, but allegedly the surveillance camera filming the ATM where the purported attack took place has no visual record of Ashley Todd making a withdrawal. Strangely, I'm sort of rooting for her now because theatrics like this can stick with you (Tawana Brawley called - she wants her melodrama back). Another tidbit - police administered a polygraph and are following up on a "number of inconsistencies."

***UPDATE***: This story is blogging-pirate's booty. Okay, how to paraphrase the statements of John Moody, executive vice president of Fox News, with respect to the developing Ashley Todd . . . um . . . "watershed event 11 days before the election." You know what - take it away, Mr. Moody. I cannot do justice to your hyperbole:

MOMENT OF TRUTH

It had to happen.

Less than two weeks before we vote for a new president, a white woman says a black man attacked her, then scarred her face, and says there was a political motive for it.

Ashley Todd, a 20-year-old white volunteer for John McCain’s presidential campaign, says she was mugged at an ATM machine in Pittsburgh (my hometown) by a big black man. She further says he threw her down, then disfigured her by carving the letter “B” into her face with a sharp implement when he saw that she supported McCain, not Barack Obama.

Part of the appeal of, and the unspoken tension behind, Senator Obama’s campaign is his transformational status as the first African-American to win a major party’s presidential nomination.

That does not mean that he has erased the mutual distrust between black and white Americans, and this incident could become a watershed event in the 11 days before the election.

If Ms. Todd’s allegations are proven accurate, some voters may revisit their support for Senator Obama, not because they are racists (with due respect to Rep. John Murtha), but because they suddenly feel they do not know enough about the Democratic nominee.

If the incident turns out to be a hoax, Senator McCain’s quest for the presidency is over, forever linked to race-baiting.

For Pittsburgh, a city that has done so much to shape American history over the centuries, another moment of truth is at hand.

I just hope the police get to the bottom of this heinous crime before November 4 so I know how to vote. First, Joe the Plumber, now Ashley Todd. God forbid they find Caylee - a death knell for Obama in Florida. How many times can I revisit my support of Barack Obama and keep deciding to vote for him. Pittsburgh!!!!! The eyes of the world are watching you!

Has Fox News just thrown in the towel on any semblance of professionalism? I mean I trust Lee Webb, evening anchor for the Christian Broadcasting Network's 700 Club, to provide better news than Fox. How far away are we from camera cuts to Roger Ailes translating what Greta Van Susteren just said for the faithful viewers?

***UPDATE***: CASE CLOSED!!!!! Ashley Todd retracts every inch of her bullsh*t story, admitting to police that the attack didn't occur. She will now face charges for lying to police, filing a false report and not knowing the science of reflections in a mirror.

Epilogue? I wonder where Drudge will bury this turn of events? And congratulations Obama supporters - according to Mr. Moody of Fox News, "Senator McCain's quest for the presidency is over, forever linked to race-baiting."

Well that settles it. Now let's just see who you really are, Ms. Todd (masked pulled off). Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, John McCain!!!!! "My friends, I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you meddling bloggers."

Actually, one more thing. Mr. Moody's comments above truly merit some revisiting: "If Ms. Todd’s allegations are proven accurate, some voters may revisit their support for Senator Obama, not because they are racists (with due respect to Rep. John Murtha), but because they suddenly feel they do not know enough about the Democratic nominee."

This could be the most absurd statement made by any commentator during this zany election. Let me play out the logic: I'm supporting Obama. A black guy mugs a white girl in Pittsburgh. As a result, I may reassess my support of Obama. Why do I do this? Is it a metaphor? Barack Obama is going to politically mug white America? That's quite a ripple effect for a single mugging. Ever notice that when someone says "not because I'm or they're racists," it's usually followed by a galactically racist statement? Like saying "no offense . . . but you're anti-American."

No more of this nonsense. 11 days to go!

***UPDATE***: WHAT? UPDATE? YOU SAID CASE CLOSED????? Talking Points Memo reports that McCain's Pennsylvania communications director, Peter Feldman, offered up facts and particulars about the debunked Ashley Todd attack to reporters before anything was known about her report - including the allegation that Todd's assailant stated "you're with the McCain campaign? I'm going to teach you a lesson" prior to assaulting her.

I'm beating Malkin to the punch. I'm giving this a "-gate" name. Working title: Mirror-Mirror-gate.

Washington D.C. And New York City: Last Bastions Of Elitism

I'd rather vote George W. Bush for a third term than John McCain.

An excerpt from another segment of Brian Williams's conversation with the GOP ticket - you know, John McCain aned Sarah Palin: the 8-house-owning, 150k-on-clothes-spending, just like you and me, couple of mavericks, couple of average Joes, really feeling the economic crisis, hankered down and suffering, real Americans from real American states and electoral districts - broadcast tonight on NBC:

WILLIAMS: Who is a member of the elite?

PALIN: Oh, I guess just people who think that they're better than anyone else. And-- John McCain and I are so committed to serving every American. Hard-working, middle-class Americans who are so desiring of this economy getting put back on the right track. And winning these wars. And America's starting to reach her potential. And that is opportunity and hope provided everyone equally. So anyone who thinks that they are-- I guess-- better than anyone else, that's-- that's my definition of elitism. WILLIAMS: So it's not education? It's not income-based? It's--

PALIN: Anyone who thinks that they're better than someone else.

WILLIAMS: --a state of mind? It's not geography?

PALIN: 'Course not.

WILLIAMS: Senator?

MCCAIN: I-- I know where a lot of 'em live. (LAUGH)

WILLIAMS: Where's that?

MCCAIN: Well, in our nation's capital and New York City. I've seen it. I've lived there. I know the town. I know-- I know what a lot of these elitists are. The ones that she never went to a cocktail party with in Georgetown. I'll be very frank with you. Who think that they can dictate what they believe to America rather than let Americans decide for themselves.

Over 3000 of these "elites" died in New York City and Washington D.C. on 9-11, you crusty curmudgeon. And how many cocktail parties and snooty soirees have you attended in your 26 years as a senator?

I cannot believe how much pandering provincialism spews out of this ticket on a daily basis.

"Vote McCain, Not Barack Hussein"

Conservative radio's new group-think perceives the feral left as much more virulent and hateful than the right despite the media elite's skewed vision of the campaign trail. The coterie of GOP pundits warns of a powder keg situation created by the left's never-ending quest to squash dissent and install their world view on the American people. They warn of violence in the wake of a McCain-Palin victory.

Really.

How many video clips can I post:



Yeah, you guys are the victims here. Cry me a river.

Jack Of All Trades: Jeff Larson

Not only is he Sarah Palin's personal shopper, but Jeff Larson finds time in his busy schedule for long walks on the beach, knitting and recording robocalls attacking Barack Obama.

Jeff Larson is fab! Tim Gunn says "make it work," Jeff. My name is John McCain and I approve this fierceness!!!!!!! These robocalls are hot messes!!!!

Why We Pick On Palin

Because it's always "opposite day" for Governor Palin on the campaign trail. And it's shameless.

We will stop abuses of power, yet I abused power according to the Branchflower report regarding "Troopergate" - the very first finding.

We will stop government corruption, yet I've been part of the corruption as Governor of Alaska, doctoring expense reports to justify travel and accommodations for my children using taxpayer money.

We will stop cronyism and reform government, yet my government's cabinet is littered with cronies and high school chum, and I permitted my husband to wield the power of the governor's office.

I'm part of the middle class, an average Hockey Mom, just like you (wink wink), yet the expenditures on my couture over the past two months rival the value of some embattled mortgages.

I'll tell you that Barack Obama pals around with terrorists and believes America is imperfect, yet Todd and I were affiliated with secessionists who not only think the country is imperfect, but want no part of it.

Why do we pick on Palin? Hypocrisy. The worst kind.

Alaska Independence Party and the Palins: A Simmering Controversy

Against the better wishes of my fellow contributors, Warm Apple Pie will continue to push this fact-driven story: The Palins' ties to the Alaska Independence Party ("AIP") and the unwillingness of the mainstream media to explore the history of the relationship. There is a ton of unfinished meat on the bone.

Some say this is "out there" already and yesterday's news cycle. But I believe it is ripe for media plucking considering McCain-Palin's incessant push to link Obama to William Ayers.

And others are starting to agree (Colmes to the rescue? Colmes? Say it ain't so, Joe!):



From last evening's Hannity and Colmes. Around minute three, Colmes raises the parallel between the Ayers-Obama attack and the Palins' unchallenged AIP involvement. He notes how Democrats have decided not to play in this pigpen (lipsticked pigpen that is). Former Deputy Governor of Maryland, Republican Michael Steele, after two minutes of usual, overwrought shredding of Obama on his dubious connections (with the help of the always-willing Hannity), suddenly becomes very terse when confronted with AIP allegations, dismissing them as merely "irrelevant."

A simmering controversy, not a stale one. And it is starting to creep out of the blogosphere to the print media.

Is It Time For The Nuclear Option: Reverend Wright

The game is getting away from John McCain as Obama opens up a double-digit margin in some polls. Ayers, Joe the Plumber, Muslim, Socialism, pallin' around with Ayers, wealth redistribution, worked closely with Ayers, ACORN, Barack Hussein Obama, "Arab fear," anti-American, inexperience, some more Ayers, texts with Scarlett Johansson - nothing sticks to the Teflon Democrat, or everything sticks, but the folks are too busy licking their personal financial wounds to give a rat's ass.

13 days until the election, not to mention early voting has begun in many states (with a reportedly strong turnout by the Democrats).

What's an old Navy man to do in desperate times with bilge water rising?

Desperate measures.

"My friends . . . LOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!! BEHOLD!!!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS LUNATIC!!!!!! LOOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!:




Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. JESUS CHRIST!!!!! Can I get that ballot back!?!?! Yes, yes, YES - I WANT TO CHANGE MY F**KING VOTE!!!!! YOU HEARD ME - GIMME THE DAMN BALLOT BACK!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH, PLEASE LET ME VOTE FOR MCCAIN!!!!! PLEASE!!!! I WANT MCCAIN!!! OH CHRIST, PLEASE GIVE ME THE BALLOT BACK YOU BASTARD!!!!! And, er, um . . . well . . . Palin . . . I have to vote for Palin too? . . . can't just have McCain . . . really . . . did . . . not . . . know that . . . ummmm . . . aaaaaaaah, oooh boy . . . let me see that clip again . . . hmmmmm . . . this is hard . . . okay, her too. Yes, McCain and Palin. Vote for both. Anyone who doesn't pal around with this nutcup.

Man, Reverend Wright should be an army chaplain on the Event Horizon. Liberate tutame, voters!

The Augural Youth Of Barack Obama: Biden Foresees International Crisis, Obama Cries For Assistance

Joe Biden is gaffe-tastic! At a fundraiser in Seattle, the "Thanks-But-No-Thanks-On-That-Help-To-Nowhere" Senator from Delaware complimented Obama's intellect through the implication that he is politically green, holds accurate, yet arcane positions with respect to foreign matters and will need big time help in the first six months of his presidency:

It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We're about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America. Watch, we're going to have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy and he's going to need help . . . to stand with him. Because it's not going to be apparent initially; it's not going to be apparent that we're right.

Way to emphasize Obama's truncated record as a first-term junior senator with no executive experience. And as expected, McCain-Palin pounce on Biden's mastication of a simple message - that Obama is smart and right.

It's never a good moment for the campaign when your stump drivel permits your opponents, champing at the bit, to take back the news cycle and prompt a newspaper to entitle an article: "McCain cites Biden to slam Obama").

God love yah, Joe, but do you mind stepping out back for a two-week-long smoke? Don't worry - we'll take it from here. Why don't you grab a bite with Joey Danko at Katie's Restaurant (closed for over a decade).

McCain-Palin Sued For Incitement

A 66-year-old Kansas City granny sues McCain-Palin for the promotion of hate speech. Her complaint alleges, inter alia, that the McCain campaign "intentionally, recklessly and irresponsibly portrayed Barack Obama as un-American, a terrorist by association . . . not like us, and a non-white individual."

The long-in-the-tooth litigator equates Barack Obama to a "modern-day JFK" and fears for his safety. However, she offers a quid pro quo: voluntary dismissal of the claim in return for an unqualified denouncement of these "death threats" by McCain-Palin coupled with a stern warning that the "intruders" issuing these threats will be excluded from future rallies.

Of course it's frivolous, but give granny credit: she paid the $350 filing fees.