Is It Time For The Nuclear Option: Reverend Wright

The game is getting away from John McCain as Obama opens up a double-digit margin in some polls. Ayers, Joe the Plumber, Muslim, Socialism, pallin' around with Ayers, wealth redistribution, worked closely with Ayers, ACORN, Barack Hussein Obama, "Arab fear," anti-American, inexperience, some more Ayers, texts with Scarlett Johansson - nothing sticks to the Teflon Democrat, or everything sticks, but the folks are too busy licking their personal financial wounds to give a rat's ass.

13 days until the election, not to mention early voting has begun in many states (with a reportedly strong turnout by the Democrats).

What's an old Navy man to do in desperate times with bilge water rising?

Desperate measures.

"My friends . . . LOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!! BEHOLD!!!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS LUNATIC!!!!!! LOOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!:




Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. JESUS CHRIST!!!!! Can I get that ballot back!?!?! Yes, yes, YES - I WANT TO CHANGE MY F**KING VOTE!!!!! YOU HEARD ME - GIMME THE DAMN BALLOT BACK!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH, PLEASE LET ME VOTE FOR MCCAIN!!!!! PLEASE!!!! I WANT MCCAIN!!! OH CHRIST, PLEASE GIVE ME THE BALLOT BACK YOU BASTARD!!!!! And, er, um . . . well . . . Palin . . . I have to vote for Palin too? . . . can't just have McCain . . . really . . . did . . . not . . . know that . . . ummmm . . . aaaaaaaah, oooh boy . . . let me see that clip again . . . hmmmmm . . . this is hard . . . okay, her too. Yes, McCain and Palin. Vote for both. Anyone who doesn't pal around with this nutcup.

Man, Reverend Wright should be an army chaplain on the Event Horizon. Liberate tutame, voters!

Gateway City Greets Obama

100,000 supporters turnout in St. Louis, Missouri. Obama's response to the outpouring: "wow."

11 electoral votes and the Missouri Bellwether up for grabs: The "Show Me" State has supported the President-Elect since 1904 in all but one election.

Michelle Malkin was seen floating around the crowd, checking identification cards. "We got word that Mickey Mouse was in attendance at ACORN's behest," Malkin sneered. "I'm just protecting the fabric of our democracy."

ACORN: Ghost Stories for GOP Kiddies. Boooo!

To have standing to sue an individual and bring them into the court room, you, the plaintiff, must present an injury. Without injury, without a showing of damages or a theory of damages, the court has better things to do then adjudicate a case where the plaintiff is not entitled to relief.

The RNC is such a plaintiff when it comes to the ACORN pseudo-scandal. The chimeras of conservative moppets' nightmares - eg., a leftist Mickey Mouse primed to vote Obama - currently reside where they should remain: in dreams.

In the words of Barack Obama, "um . . . so . . . just to be clear" voter registration fraud does not bear fruits of voter fraud on November 4. As such, the Republicans cannot show injury. They cannot show damages.

Case closed . . . but of course it's not - since you hardened, righty, Kool-Aid chugging prick masters cannot stop pushing this lark or generally shut your pie holes. Sigh, let's play it out once again.

We revisit Disney and Mickey Mouse's indefatigable quest to vote for Obama: So the registration card filled out by "Mickey Mouse" is handed to representatives at ACORN from the ACORN canvasser (ie., by the way, just for a visual, Micky is a filthy hobo who stinks of Jack Daniels and rides the rails out past Toledo and is approached by an ACORN canvasser/pederast/check-kiter paid as an independent contractor based on the number of cards she submits. Make them black too, Neocons. Make it terrifying.).

If the card is suspicious, it is segregated from the stack of patently valid registration cards. Sometimes, the representative misses a suspicious card because she is working quickly, or is snorting Colombian bam-bam, or absolutely loves Obama. It really doesn't matter - for both the suspicious pile and verified pile are sent to the Election Board for review.

Why? BECAUSE IT'S THE LAW! ACORN is required to submit all registration cards it collects and stamps with its seal. Why? So that the Election Board can keep tabs on voter drives, provide ethical standards and confirm that the voting rolls are in order with the registration cards.

But Warm Apple Pie - what if the Board lets a suspicious card slip through and Mickey Mouse becomes listed on the voter rolls. Oh my god, does fraud win? Republican children huddle close! Fraud!!!! Boooooooooo!!!!!!

Um, no. Though Mickey Mouse is now registered to vote, there is no Mickey Mouse (sorry kids - there's no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny either. However, hobgoblin Dick Cheney is very real and will spray you with buckshot from his spectral shotgun if you don't pray for the destruction of Iran each evening).

Wait! What about the filthy hobo who filled out the card? He may try to vote as Mickey. Presto! Voter fraud. Fraud, GOP children. Fraud!!!!! Boooooooooooooooooo!

Um, no. The filthy hobo, Mickey Mouse, even Sarah Palin cannot vote without presenting a valid form of identification to the election monitor for authentication before signing the voter roll and before entering the voting booth. Why? BECAUSE IT'S THE LAW.

Okay, okay Warm Apple Pie. But playing along with me just to . . . GOP children? What are you doing? . . . oh my god . . . where did you get that Obama placard . . . stop waiving it . . . there is no change we can believe in . . . sit down children . . . Trig, you too - why are you watching the Couric interview again . . . behave!

Er, so play along with me. Let's say all of these fail safes . . . well . . . fail and the filthy hobo eludes detection and gets into the voting booth. I mean humans are fallible and at least half of the monitors are human (the other half are Democrats). I'm sure a ton of fraudulent votes are cast by misanthropes each election. Countless. Probably hundreds of thousands of these miscreants trolling the election sites. Maybe a million. Who knows?

Twenty. From 2002 to 2005 only 20 people were determined guilty of ineligible voting (and only five of these twenty were found to have voted more than once).

Sleep easy, GOP children. May visions of tax credits for sugar plum purchases dance in your heads.

* * * * *

ACORN is pure Republican hokum used solely to work the base into a heaving swell of stupidity and enlarge the ever-growing gaggle of phantasmal boogiemen conjured up by McCain-Palin this Fall. Maybe it's meant to simply hurt my ears.

It's viable for eighteen more days, as is the right-wing cacophony.

Barack Obama: At The Adult Table

I remember countless holidays where I was banished to the kiddie table - out of range of civilized discourse, relegated to making armpit farts and flicking boogers. Worse was the adult folk patronizing me with their disgusted glances, mortified that their scion could belch the alphabet.

Tonight, Obama shook his head with disapproving maturity. Tonight, John McCain made fart noises with his mouth.

"Ayers, ACORN, Ayers, ACORN, Ayers, ACORN, Ayers . . . my campaign is about the economy." Did that just happened???? It did. I almost did a spit-take (I haven't done a spit-take since Palin's explanation about Russia's proximity to her foreign policy experience.).

Tonight, McCain would have been better served with honest questions: "Health care plan? In what respect, Barry?"

The split screen did him no favors. At one point, my girlfriend equated McCain to Vincent D'Onofrio's bug character in "Men in Black." Without pause, I eagerly equated McCain's visage to Jeffy Goldblum's fly character in . . . well . . . "The Fly."

The point?: McCain's skin was thinner than soy paper, absolutely ineffective at shrouding the curmudgeon beast below ready to shed its apocryphal mask of gentility at first prodding. He was petulant, irascible and disconnected. He spouted fluff attacks in rapid-fire succession as if trying to eclipse a world record. It was a haphazard carpet bombing of a hunkered-down Obama, prepared for every twist and turn. Hell, even the much ballyhooed Bill Ayers reference seemed trite and tortured - almost as if McCain doesn't have a bone to pick with folks "pallin' around with terrorists" despite his previous message.

I thought Palin was the death knell for McCain. I was wrong - ask yourself this fundamental question and let it govern your vote: Over the past three months, which candidate demonstrated the consistency of character and a never-failing steadiness in the face of tough questions, tough issues, tough matters and tough world events?

Like I said before - vote the man in this election, not the ideology. Vote for an original leader, not for a partisan soundboard. Vote for the candidate who makes very clear in these three debates that your issues will always trump the petty squabbles of the Autumn election cycle.

Full disclosure: For the first time since I became voter eligible I have donated money to a presidential candidacy. After the second debate, I pulled out my American Express Elite-Yuppie-Intelligentsia-250k-per-year Gold Card (a platinum card is too fringe, too extreme, too Sheehan, just too elite) and authorized a $50 payment to Senator Obama.

Why? Because he's consistent. Because he's steady. And because for all the money I will pay in taxes (being in that upper 5% Barack never speaks to), it is a pittance compared to the potential economic loss I suffer without a job, health insurance and affordable education.

Laud the free market. We all do. But it cannot exist in a vacuum. And whether you are Joe Six-Pack, Joey Danko or Joe Plumber, Mikey Dollar Signs will be quick to interject that you cannot draw blood from a stone and you can't siphon taxes from zero dollars of income, no matter how high the rate.

In closing, yes I'm drunk. But sober enough to see that the "October surprise" is just how damn optimistic I am about a major party candidate less than three weeks from Election Day.

If Richard Lowry had little starbursts for Palin, then count me as flaming gay for Obama. My starbursts come with energy independence in a decade.

ACORN FLACK: Two Things to Realize

One, properly characterized, the allegations against ACORN touch upon "voter registration fraud," not "voter fraud" as Greta and Michelle Malkin inartfully cram down your throats with every unseemly report. There's a monumental difference - chances are none of the erroneous or falsified registration forms will result in a fraudulent vote. Fear not: Mickey Mouse will not pull a lever on November 4.

Two, most districts promulgate laws precluding the destruction of any registration form prior to a mandatory delivery to the Election Board for review. Mickey Mouse is then vetted. Mickey Mouse is then denied access to the polls on Election Day.

Another titantic GOP red herring.

Don't take my word for it: Newsweek notes the cartoonish quality of the ACORN diversion, playing out the new Disney movie "Mickey Goes To Vote" to its ineluctable conclusion:

"I'll use Mickey Mouse to demonstrate how ACORN has engaged in voter registration fraud. In Florida, Acorn pays local workers $8 an hour to gather 20 voter registrations a day. One of these workers, seeking to meet his quota and snap up his paycheck, wrote down "Mickey Mouse," forged a signature and turned his form; others have submitted forms with made-up names, repeated names, unreadable handwriting, missing information, signatures that didn't match those on file, altered dates of birth or Social Security numbers. Following protocol, ACORN tried to find the incomplete, duplicate or bogus forms and fire the employees who submit them. But before sending every application to the state--which is required by law--the group unfortunately failed to flag a few.

This has undoubtedly made life more difficult for the local officials tasked with verifying applications, and ACORN should be held accountable. But it can't possibly change who's voting on Election Day. Mickey Mouse isn't going to show up at the polls. Voters can't vote if they don't exist. People who are registered twice will only be allowed to vote once. Annoying as they are, these inconsistencies can't affect the outcome of the election. They can only cause headaches."

In a related story, Michelle Malkin is making the case for Mickey Mouse's internment until after November 4 just to be sure.

Disney Characters Endorse Obama

St. Petersburg Times reports that none other than Mickey Mouse tried to register to vote for the 2008 presidential election. Mickey's application was stamped with the logo of embattled nonprofit group ACORN, the "Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now," a grass roots action group pressing various social and economic issues for low income citizens.

ACORN has come under fire for what Republican watchdogs allege are unscrupulous voter registration drives in key battleground states. The building confrontation has become white hot in Ohio, where yesterday election officials in Cuyahoga County, Ohio's most populous voting district, launched an investigation into certain dubious dealings by ACORN canvassers, including an allegation by a 19-year-old registrant that he fraudulently signed 73 voter registration forms in the span of five months in exchange for $20 worth of cigarettes and cash.

Is the registration of Mickey Mouse really a story? I mean I know you need filler for the 24 hour news cycle. He's a six foot tall talking mouse: Shouldn't he be easy to spot and pull out of line at the polling place on November 4th in the unlikely event he attempts to vote?

This is a non-story. Give me something with legs - like Goofy soliciting a transvestite hooker outside the Carousel of Progress in Tomorrowland. That's a scoop. Or Cinderella getting violently gang-raped by Donald Duck and an animatronic William Howard Taft in the basement of the Hall of Presidents - a shocking crime that will forever rob the Liberty Square community of its innocence.

In a related story, Greta Van Susteren has pledged to burn herself at the stake if Barack Obama wins Ohio from an ACORN boon. Greta has done for her cause celebre, ACORN, what Nancy Grace has done for poor Caylee Anthony: Absolutely nothing! - except scowls, sneering eye rolls and pushing an investigatory progress comparable to Ray Charles looking for a five dollar bill in a wad of cash.

"Where's Caylee, dammit????? Where's Caylee?????? Now, look at my precious twins and worship them! Bless you, friends!"