Whoops! Are You Sure You're Not President Bush?

90% of the time I voted with Bush. The other 10% I only spoke like him.

In Western Pennsylvania today, John McCain mangles a punchline, then spends the next eight uncomfortable seconds butchering his subsequent lines in a pretty amusing (no, I just watched it again - it's downright side-splitting. Belly guffaws) effort to remove probably both feet from his mouth.


"Senator Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately (crowd: boooooooooooooooo). And you know . . . I couldn't agree with them more (crowd: crickets)."

Then, panicking, hurriedly trying to extricate himself from the inextricable verbal maze, McCain insults the rest of the country with a Palin's "Real America"/Pfotenhauer's "Real Virginia" sort of zeal.

"I couldn't disagree . . . with you . . . I couldn't agree with you more . . . then the fact . . . that Western Pennsylvania is the most patriotic, most, ah, god-loving, most . . . most patriotic part of America . . . eh . . . this is a great part of the country."

Ben Smith at Politico is disappointed: "And here I was thinking that that was Park Slope."

I voice similar disappointment that Long Island allegedly didn't make McCain's short list of most holy American sites.

Finally, Cindy McCain and her physical equanimity which has to belie the insanity welling within. Her frozen face is priceless next to McCain's tongue winding in knots - like she's thinking "get it together, old man. For f**k's sake. I'm a beer heiress, you dumb dustmuppet. I deserve the whitest house. You think I bumped uglies with your wrinkled sack all these years for the thrill of the hump? I get nothing for rollin' your old bones? I will wet-ride Todd Palin out of spite on national television, I sh*t you not."

The Augural Youth Of Barack Obama: Biden Foresees International Crisis, Obama Cries For Assistance

Joe Biden is gaffe-tastic! At a fundraiser in Seattle, the "Thanks-But-No-Thanks-On-That-Help-To-Nowhere" Senator from Delaware complimented Obama's intellect through the implication that he is politically green, holds accurate, yet arcane positions with respect to foreign matters and will need big time help in the first six months of his presidency:

It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We're about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America. Watch, we're going to have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy and he's going to need help . . . to stand with him. Because it's not going to be apparent initially; it's not going to be apparent that we're right.

Way to emphasize Obama's truncated record as a first-term junior senator with no executive experience. And as expected, McCain-Palin pounce on Biden's mastication of a simple message - that Obama is smart and right.

It's never a good moment for the campaign when your stump drivel permits your opponents, champing at the bit, to take back the news cycle and prompt a newspaper to entitle an article: "McCain cites Biden to slam Obama").

God love yah, Joe, but do you mind stepping out back for a two-week-long smoke? Don't worry - we'll take it from here. Why don't you grab a bite with Joey Danko at Katie's Restaurant (closed for over a decade).

God Love Yah, You've Had Some Work Done

Yes, Joe Biden has the forehead of a 21-year-old as the Republicans start smearing Lunchpail's unfurrowed brow.

Get a new bag of tricks, neocon vipers! - John Kerry's upper countenance was similarly "skull-f**ked" and "swift-boated" in similar fashion during the 2004 election.

Can't a Democratic elder simply have good, natural bone structure? How do you think FDR appear so rackishly handsome during all those televised speeches and webcasts?

My name is John Kerry and I'm reporting for . . . surgery. This is my buddy, Joe. Can we schedule him for a consultation.