Energy Independance

Recently horse-whipped GOP candidate for president, Sen. John McCain, became well-known throughout the campaign for his insistence that America possessed the renewable energy resources to become completely energy independent. McCain, according to scientists and energy industry experts, was wrong. Of course, I'm guessing none of those so-called "experts" knew that McCain was talking about his own, seemingly endless natural gas resources. Easy on the Metamucil, old man.

November Surprise!

Courtesy of Matt Drudge. He broke the case! Can I change my vote (sent by absentee ballot already)?



This is his leading story. Has the coverage of this campaign brought an end to Drudge? Not that he was ever a respected reporter, but at least he tried to be credible. This is just silly. Someone freeze-frame a wave into a Nazi salute, before it's too late!

BREAKING: Exotic Jungle Muslim to Steal From Rich

A lot of ink (sidebar: what do you call "ink" in the internets?) has been spilled over the radical plan of the thieving Arab and his nefarious scheme to bring an exotic jungle muslimness to his communist financial policies lately, most of it focusing on his tax proposal to steal bread right out of the mouths of underrepresented wealthy white people and "spread it around" (sounds a lot like "palling around, no?") to the unwashed huddled masses, who will only use it to smoke crack and avoid working. Barack Obama's plan, McShame would have you think, is not only to create Marxist/Leninist Communist society, but also to rape your mother. At least, that's what it sounds like he's saying based on the derision in his creepy voice.

Well, being only one or two IQ points above full-retard, I was convinced. Obama is a socialist, wanted to give all my hard-earned blogger money to poor people (each and every one of whom I find appalling in their own, poor, way) and his tax plan was basically to kill America. Hey Obama, love it or leave it! USA USA USA! And then I read this article in the Daily Worker, and the independent analysis done really explained the differences in Obama's and McShame's tax plans. And let me just say, I find it surprising. The most interesting point to me, and only because of fear being generated over Obama's "socialist" plan to redistribute the wealth from the rich to the poor, is the following:

For married couples with incomes of $500,000 with two children and both parents working, the Tax Policy Center found that Mr. Obama would raise income taxes by $3,363, from $110,955 now, while Mr. McCain's plans would leave taxes unchanged. Deloitte found that a $500,000-a-year couple would pay $3,100 more under Mr. Obama, with no change under Mr. McCain.

In other words, a family earning $500,000 under McCain pays $110,955 in taxes and has $389,045 left after taxes, while under Obama the same family pays $114,318 in taxes and has $385,582 left after taxes. You can draw your own conclusions from this, but it doesn't sound like wealth redistribution to me.

Jack Knowledge's independent analysis? Anyone making $500,000 who, by definition, isn't as good looking as I am can go suck it.

Jungle. Muslim. Breast.

I'll admit, a week or two ago I would have seen this mock McCain advertisement (pronounced "ad-VERT-issmint," because I'm a fancy English gentleman) and laughed and laughed and laughed. Today, I watch it and the only thing that shocks me is that it isn't a real McCain ad. Yet.

We're beyond the bottom of the barrel at this point. With only 5 days left, McShame is standing in a hole he dug through the bottom of the barrel, 60 feet below sea level. And he's still digging. Some of McCain's smears in the homestretch have made the ones in my underwear pale in comparison, and believe me, that's saying something.

My sources in Vegas tell me the odds on McCain referencing Obama's exotic jungle muslimness in the next 4 days just went to 3:2

"I'm John McCain and I call a stereo system a Victrola."

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

"His Choice?"

Normally I resist posting campaign ads produced by either ticket, but this one put a charge in me. Very simple. Very topical. Very true:



I've exceeded my video quota for the day, but reserve the right to post a clip of McCain and Palin's faces superimposed on Bill Allen and Lori Loughlin bike-dancing to "Send Me An Angel" by Australian band Real Life in the seminal eighties film Rad.*

*Shout out to Defective Pants for daring to dream.

The Potatoe Poll: Obama Out To A "Slight" Early Lead

Barack Obama: 14. John McCain: 0.

When did we become MSNBC? That's what I get for working with the Castro brothers and Che Guevara. Dan Quayle's Pink Potatoe. Barbara West just asked me if I recognize "religion is the opiate of the masses."

I feel sheepish like Fox News on debate night - even Hannity semi-cringed when he chimed "fair and balanced," then accounted for the "who won the debate" poll standing at McCain 89%, Obama 7% (4% undecided - yes, 4% of our brain-damaged brethren couldn't even form a ridiculous opinion on something they just witnessed).

C'mon, we have some neocon readers, right?

Where are the hawks, the jingoists, the firebrand zealots, the monocled fat cats, the log cabin GOPers, the Rovian ideologues, the average "Joes" - six-packing Joe, plumbing Joe, say it ain't so Joe, Joe Lieberman - the gun-clingers, the religion-clingers, the "Obama is an anti-American-Kenyan-Muslim-terrorist" propagandists, the Wasillians, Greta Van Susteren, Caylee Anthony, Victoria Jackson, the entire staff of Town Hall, the cynical air-quoters ("dick fingers" as John Stewart referenced them last evening), the grizzled folks wearing mesh trucker hats without a trucker's license and bleating about "dat der negra" running for president as a hot fug of Skoal and fear wafts from out behind corn kernel teeth? Anyone? Hello? Long live Barry Goldwater?

Warm Apple Pie is not a registered Democrat. I'm giddy over Obama, but I vote the man, not the party. I'm not a big fan of the Reid-Pelosi-Frank troika in the Congress to be sure. They are vindictive, spiteful knaves (Pelosi has impudent man servant traits) and are GOP blood-thirsty after eight years of incarceration (last two on work furlough). Obama shouldn't entertain their prate.

Give me one vote for McCain. Come on, my friends - endorsed by five former secretaries of state and he can name four of them.

McCain, Obama, Palin: You Got Served!

Courtesy of a good friend. The Potatoe thanks you:

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Inspiration: Barack Obama "Fired Up"

His critics pick away with substantive epithets like "seductive," "stylized" and "alluring." The word "eloquent" becomes a pejorative knock. They say "hope" is hollow. They perceive "change" to be illusory.

After eight dispiriting years - no style, no substance, no nothing - I can use a bit of inspiration, some soaring quixotic appeals, on the off-chance he can back them up. Obama peddles these lofty wares and I'm buying. Let's pray the goods are not second-rate.

A Senior Moment

After denouncing Rush Limbaugh's latest round of race-baiting with the volume of a mouse fart ("Do you agree with Rush Limbaugh?" ". . . no."), John McCain proudly notes the five former secretaries of state that endorse his candidacy: Henry Kissinger, Jim Baker, Larry Eagleburger, Al Haig and . . . and . . . and . . . sigh, some other dude. From Meet The Press this morning:



It makes you wonder whether John McCain is fit to . . . GEORGE SHULTZ . . . THAT'S IT . . .GEORGE SHULTZ . . . ALMOST A GAFFE . . . BUT I REMEMBER . . . GEORGE SHULTZ . . . THE GREAT GEORGE SHULTZ . . . 8 DAYS TO GO . . . MUST . . . KEEP . . . SENILITY . . . AT BAY!

A Grim Karl Rove

Going into the last week of the election, the Architect assesses Senator McCain's path to victory as a "very steep hill to climb."

Is Obama The Batman? Is McCain The Penguin? Tune in next week, same bat time, same bat channel

Until I watched this clip, I never, ever, in a million years, would have suspected that the distinguished Senator from the great State of Arizona was an arch-criminal mastermind. Now, I am not so sure. And remember, based on my ability to solve Encyclopedia Brown mysteries with barely any trouble, I am probably the greatest detective since Kojak, but with less hair. In any event, it's now quite clear that McCain's senior campaign advisor is The Riddler.

THE NEXT AMERICAN PRESIDENT: SOUP TO NUTS

February 10, 2007: Barack Obama announces his candidacy for President of the United States:



April 25, 2007: John McCain announces his candidacy for President of the United States:



Simpler times. Prominence just a glint in their eyes.

Finish honorably, gentlemen.

Libertarian Candidate Bob Barr Predicts Deep South Win For Obama

ATLANTA, GA – "Senator John McCain will not win Georgia," predicts Bob Barr, the Libertarian Party nominee for president. "His shrinking poll numbers are an indication that McCain is losing touch with the American public as we get closer to November 4th."

"Sen. McCain never connected with the fiscal conservatives in Georgia," says Barr. "His lack of a principled stand on issues such as reducing the size of government and cutting spending bothers Georgia voters. Sen. McCain can't say with a straight face he will not raise taxes or increase government spending, given his support for such extremely expensive federal government programs like the recent massive bailouts for Wall Street. Clearly, McCain has failed to attract the hearts and support of Georgia voters."

"Sen. Obama will not so much win Georgia, as Sen. McCain will lose the state," Barr adds.

Right . . . and John McCain will carry California, New York and France.

When you think about John McCain, think about George Bush

Last night, one of the most important, influential voices in American politics finally released an endorsement for president. No, I'm not talking about the New York Times' endorsement of Sen. Obama released late last night. Nor am I talking about Pres. Bush's former Press Secretary Scott McClellan endorsing Obama on D.L. Hughley's show on CNN. But that does raise an interesting question: D.L. HUGHLEY HAS A SHOW ON CNN??? How does that sentence not end with "on the WB?" But no, I'm talking about President George Walker Bush, who finally came out to fully embrace the candidacy of Sen. John McCain and Governor Sarah Palin.

In complimenting Gov. Palin's amazing folksy appeal, Pres. Bush explained that "for a while I tried to be folksy, but after a bit it just came off douchey."

Followup to WAP's "McCain/elitist" post

(Pat Bateman pre-article warning - it's long. Don't complain. If you have a short attention span, skip it.)

I was going to simply leave a comment on WAP's post about John McCain calling New Yorkers "elitists" but I'm so angry at these statements by McCain that I think it deserves its own post (okay, rant...and a long one at that, I'm sorry WAP). This is something that has always irked me and will continue to always get my dander up, but usually politicians are cagey in their short-shrift to educated, liberal city-folk. But John McCain at least had the gumption to admit it directly, and so let me respond directly.

I don't care, like WAP points out, if this is provincial pandering. Probably is - chances are John McCain does not think everyone he's served with in Washington for two decades is an un-American elitist. But to say it, no matter for what possible political benefit, makes me want to waterboard him.

Ah, John, you don't like those unpatriotic American elitists in New York in their Ivory Towers much, huh? Those un-American citizens from those elitist cities, who burn the flag every day upon rising and lay down to sleep on Socialist sheets... they aren't what America is all about, right John? Guess what John... on behalf of New York, you are hereby restricted from ever discussing September 11th, 2001 again. Ever.

On that day, John, this elitist watched in horror as his hometown burned, and wondered if there were more attacks on the way. This elitist had his office building evacuated when they found anthrax across the street and wondered if he was going to be killed in a biological attack. This elitist knows the names of men - nay, truly they were still boys who never had the chance to fully become men - with whom he shared beer (domestic beer, John, don't worry - no elitist imports) and baseball who lost their lives that day. You, John, are never - ever - allowed to invoke that day for your political benefit again. No, more than that - your entire party is hereby banned. Collective punishment. I'm tired of it, and I think I speak for most of my fellow elitists when I say "this far, no further, John. You have now crossed the rubicon. You have gone too far, sir."

Perhaps this is simply my snooty elitism shining through in rational thought, but I just continue to find it so interesting that those Socialists who worked in the World Trade Center (I can only imagine from your description of New Yorkers that the real business of most who worked there was the overthrow of Capitalism itself) were the ones who died when America was attacked by terrorists and us elitist New Yorkers continue to be the Americans on US soil under constant threat of attack. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I haven't seen any security alerts or evacuations in Wasilla since... wait, ever. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Were the terrorists just stupid, John? Did they intend to attack Peoria and just say "screw it - that's too far. You have to connect, like, six times to get there from Saudi Arabia. What US city has a lot of connecting flights from abroad? New York? Uch, I mean, can't we do better than that? America doesn't care about New York. Uch, and Washington DC? Praised be Allah, even worse! But for convenience sake, let's just stick with those and see how it plays out."

Silly terrorists - all they did was kill a bunch of elitists. Perhaps if they'd gone to school more, they'd have understood the difference between "real" America and those unpatriotic elitists in New York and DC that the rest of the country despises. But, of course, the paradox arises that if they'd gone to school more, they'd probably have been elitists too (it's spread, like mono, mostly during freshman year of college through close contact. Mostly through germs on well-used copies of The Communist Manifesto), and thus too busy sodomizing each other ironically with baseballs and Mom's apple pie to martyr themselves.

It's one of those things that is so laughable that if you discussed it in the context of another country, it would be so nonsensical that you would not believe it. Imagine if the residents of some tiny, provincial outlying desert town in Israel claimed that residents of Tel Aviv and Jerusalem were elitist and "anti-Israel" and unpatriotic, despite their choice to live somewhere under constant threat of attack from enemies. You would wonder what had gotten into their hummus. "What could be MORE patriotic than refusing to leave your home town, city or country despite the threat to your family or your very life? Refusing to submit or change in the face of danger - those are the true patriots," you would think to yourself. Reminds you of that ragtag but spirited band that drove the Brits out of Dodge, right? (Just not the Founding Fathers though - those guys were totally elitist douchebags. All doctors and lawyers and scientists and writers. I'm surprised the non-elitist "Joe homegrown rye whiskey" Colonists didn't burn them at the stake, frankly. I mean, John Adams went to Harvard. He's was practically Muhammad Atta.)

"How's the view from the cheap seats?" you'd think to yourself. "Must be really easy to criticize those who have to wonder if their bus is going to explode from hundreds of miles away from the bombs and blood." You would call these people cowards, lobbing explosive words from their position safely behind the front lines - their own front lines at whom they toss their poisonous verbal missiles.

Refusing to change your way of life under threat of bodily harm - these are the true patriots of any country. They love their country so much that they will not be cowed. They will not move their homes, their families or themselves. They will not submit to violence and terror. They will resist by continuing to live in the face of aggression, perhaps afraid but ultimately unmoved in spirit and courage. They will risk their lives every day by the simple act of living somewhere under fire. But their way of life is too important to be compromised. Their daily lives are a testament to the definition of patriotism. If that is elitist, I am guilty as charged - and would never want to be anything but.

Yet when we face that same situation here in America, it is somehow acceptable to paint the only American citizens who have ever been in real, actual danger as un-patriotic, un-American elitist snobs who thumb their noses at this country and then wipe it with the Stars and Stripes. I was never mad at you, John. Disappointed? Sure. Saddened? Yup. Never mad though.

But not now.

Now I'm angry, John. Not to put too fine a point on it, without using those snobby elitist SAT words that us city folks throw around, let me be plain: go fuck yourself.

I Learned A New Word Today: "Outlier"

An "outlier" denotes an empirical result on the margins that most statisticians discard as unreliable or anomalous.

With a cascade of polls showing Barack Obama separating from John McCain, scratching if not realizing a double-digit lead, I was intrigued by the AP-GFK poll released this week showing a virtual dead heat: Obama - 44%, McCain - 43%.

Pollster John Zogby (fingering Obama's lead at 10 points) decries the new poll as a sloppy "outlier," deficient in accounting for a massive surge in college-age voters flocking to the polls this election season.

But for you cocksure Democrats out there, already putting the champagne on ice for your Obama victory celebration, Zogby concedes things remain fluid and forewarns: "anything can happen."

The Potatoe's Missing Links For October 22, 2008

Rick Reilly and Barack Obama pick a NFL fantasy for week six games.

Barack Obama now boasts a 93.5% chance of victory.

John McCain left on the Straight Talk Express, overnight, alone, scared (hehehehe).

Kathryn Jean Lopez of National Review shocked that blacks are voting for Barack Obama.

Drudge, almost out of spin, tries reverse psychology: it's such a done deal, why vote?

The only poll that matters comes out on November 5.

Whoops! Are You Sure You're Not President Bush?

90% of the time I voted with Bush. The other 10% I only spoke like him.

In Western Pennsylvania today, John McCain mangles a punchline, then spends the next eight uncomfortable seconds butchering his subsequent lines in a pretty amusing (no, I just watched it again - it's downright side-splitting. Belly guffaws) effort to remove probably both feet from his mouth.


"Senator Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately (crowd: boooooooooooooooo). And you know . . . I couldn't agree with them more (crowd: crickets)."

Then, panicking, hurriedly trying to extricate himself from the inextricable verbal maze, McCain insults the rest of the country with a Palin's "Real America"/Pfotenhauer's "Real Virginia" sort of zeal.

"I couldn't disagree . . . with you . . . I couldn't agree with you more . . . then the fact . . . that Western Pennsylvania is the most patriotic, most, ah, god-loving, most . . . most patriotic part of America . . . eh . . . this is a great part of the country."

Ben Smith at Politico is disappointed: "And here I was thinking that that was Park Slope."

I voice similar disappointment that Long Island allegedly didn't make McCain's short list of most holy American sites.

Finally, Cindy McCain and her physical equanimity which has to belie the insanity welling within. Her frozen face is priceless next to McCain's tongue winding in knots - like she's thinking "get it together, old man. For f**k's sake. I'm a beer heiress, you dumb dustmuppet. I deserve the whitest house. You think I bumped uglies with your wrinkled sack all these years for the thrill of the hump? I get nothing for rollin' your old bones? I will wet-ride Todd Palin out of spite on national television, I sh*t you not."

McCain seizes on Biden's "test his mettle" gaffe

The McCain camp has been jumping all over Sen. Joe Biden's remarks that if elected, Sen. Obama will be tested by a major international crisis within the first six months of his presidency. As reported by Sidecar, Biden, speaking at a campaign function in Seattle, prognosticated that the world is watching Sen. Obama and will seek to "test his mettle" in the first six months because of his perceived lack of experience.

Of course, based on historical analysis, almost EVERY president is tested in their first six months by an international crisis. For Kennedy, the example cited by Biden, it was the Bay of Pigs, a plan devised by the CIA under Eisenhower (not the Cuban Missile Crisis, which didn't occur until mid-1962). For Reagan it was Lebanon and Grenada, for Bush I it was the First Gulf War, for Clinton it was the bombing of the World Trade Center in '93, and for Bush II it was 9/11.

Both McCain and Palin have used the comment today in their campaign appearances. And I must say, McCain's approach today was the first time I've read his comments lately and thought, "wow, that's actually a great argument." Color me impressed. Of course, reminding voters concerned about your age may not be the greatest idea in the world, but I like the line:

“Sen. Biden referred to how Jack Kennedy was tested in the Cuban
missile crisis. My friends, I have a little personal experience in that. I was on board the USS Enterprise. I sat in the cockpit of the flight deck off of Cuba. I had a target. My friends, you know how close we came to a nuclear war. America will not have a president who needs to be tested. I've been tested, my friends.”

Courtesy of Politico.

Pray for Tracy's Husband

This is the base of McCain/Bush/Palin Republicanism. Can someone please explain to religious nuts like the ignoramus in this video that the Bible doesn't support hatred, let alone hatred based merely on a person's name, family, background, etc.? Also, with all this "God will take care of me" stuff. No he won't. He's tired of carrying your fat ass across the sand. Help yourself, you lazy lunatic - and I'm not talking about another box of Mallomars! God is done helping you. You've used more than your share of his welfare. The next set of footprints you'll see in the sand will be the ones leaving you for a nice hammock and a Corona. He deserves it, his back must be killing him.

Can you imagine being married to this shrew? Yes, sweetheart, pray, because if anyone needs a prayer, it's your husband. Pray that you wake up from your self-induced slumber of ignorance. Pray that your husband doesn't lose his job because you and others like you are completely brainwashed nutballs. Pray that you lose your voice, so he doesn't have to hear about the headache God blessed you with every night for the last 10 years, or how God wants you to watch Fox News and give your grocery money to the reverend in the Rolls Royce. Dummy.