Fighters Don't Die; They Just Fade Away . . . Into "Bolivian"

Last evening in Australia, 36-year old unregarded, cruiserweight bruiser Danny Green summarily dismissed (that's being kind - how about "eviscerated") the dim, fading shadow of former pound-for-pound king, Roy Jones, Jr., inside of one round by technical knockout.

On May 21, 2004, the morning after his unblemished record (unofficially undefeated with one official loss) was marred by a viciously compact left from Antonio Tarver, I penned the following open forum missive, imploring to Roy to "hang'em up" immediately:

Dear Roy Jones, Jr.,

Some people gracefully descend the mountain using a safe, accessible route. You chose a two-round suicide plunge into the crevasse. Perhaps your greatest feat during your illustrious, now completed, 15 year career, was maintaining your insufferable ego during your post-fight interview with Larry Merchant. A deluge of third-person references truly marks the total demise of an athlete's excellence. "Roy Jones comes out to fight . . . Roy Jones doesn't complain . . . Roy Jones doesn't always feel well."

You came out of that locker room at Mandelay bone dry and cold. Where was the middleweight fighter who used to work himself into a ferocious lather before the procession into the ring? Where was the cockiness, the swagger of a man who would enter the ring with more pageantry than Liberace? Tarver's left-counter first altered your face, then altered your status as pound-for-pound champion. Did he alter your legacy?

I guess I miss the old RJ; the savage guy putting together 20 punch combinations, each hand possessing lighting and thunder. You beat Hopkins, Toney; you dispatched Griffin out of bitterness when they blemished your record. The old RJ couldn't stand unaffected in the ring and listen to Tarver mock him over the microphone - "Yeah, I have a question. Anymore excuses Roy?" You just stood there with a diffident look on your face, like a lamb on line at the slaughterhouse. I've never seen that face on you, RJ - that defeated, languid gaze. How have your eyes dulled in these past few years? Did you protect your titles for so long that you forgot how to fight for them? Maybe I'm the one who missed the signs. Maybe that narcissistic sparkle left your stare many pay-per-view events ago.

Roy, Enjoy your roosters. Enjoy your lavish digs in Pensacola. Get fat. Let your muscles atrophy in a lazy-boy like the rest of us mortals. Watch some reality TV. Sleep in, but try to rise by 11 a.m.. That's when Mickey D's stops serving breakfast. Try the sausage, egg, and cheese McGriddle. Decadent stuff - the pancakes are filled with syrup and serve as a roll for the eggs. Trust me, you'll have no idea where the extra pounds are coming from. You've earned your pension, RJ. Go peacefully into the sunset with all of your marbles intact. Boxing produces middle-aged dotards. Those who hang on too long. Not you, Roy. Go get fat. Turn that sinewy frame into a portly mess of cellulite. Smell the roses. Do not fight again.

Sincerely,

A Former Fan

No soothsaying here. Not a "told yah so" moment. Really not hard to divine when a boxer's career arc invariably begins the slope downward. Jones's story is not unique, but a predictable, sad narrative featuring ill-advised fights, obscure opponents and venues, the unnecessary absorption of punishment, and all perpetuated by shameless promotion and braggadocio - as the boxer shouts he is "still great," "still hungry" and "still looking for that title shot," usually with a disfigured face and after a recent revival via smelling salts.

Roy's career has been over for 5 years. Yet he fights on . . . into "Bolivian." I wish he wouldn't.

100 Years War

So let me get this straight - the same guy who declared Obama a failure after, what, 2 months in office, wants me to give him A HUNDRED YEARS to fix America? Quit your slacking, Beck. You get 75 years, tops.

So what's the plan, or as Beck refers to it - "The Plan"? Hold on, bucko. As Joe the Plumber demonstrated, freedom ain't free, and neither is Beck's master plan. You have to buy his book. And it ain't written yet.

But fear not. Mayor Tinfoil Hat of Loonytown reveals in his announcement a few of his ideas on how to save America from the liberals, Kenyans, Socialists, and Mexicans:

Today, I have stopped looking for a leader to show us the way out because I have come to realize that the only one who can truly save our country...is us.

By "us," he means Glenn Beck and the 5 voices in his head.

When we refuse to allow our children to receive a trophy for participation, we are on the road to restoring the meaning of merit in our Republic.

Finally! The core of what is really wrong with America - participation trophies. No more trophies! Does that include trophy wives? Better not tell Fred Thompson, Rudy Giuliani, and Jim McShame.

There is much to do, much to learn and time is of the essence.

That's why I need 100 years! Starting March 2010! If time weren't of the essence, it would be a 200 year plan.

we will be conducting a series of conventions. These will be full-day experiences where you will be immersed in learning about topics ranging from self-reliance, community organizing, the economy and how to be a political force in your own neighborhood and country.

Not community organizing! That's Communist stuff you learn at a Madrassa in Kenya! But not so long ago Beck was of the opinion that "The community organizer mentality — the ACORN mentality — is to distract you from their main goal, so even though some people are looking at their voter registration fraud, we should follow the money, too." What's your angle, Beck? What goal are you trying to distract us from? Is it the goal of selling books? Nah. Couldn't be.

It will require unconventional thinking and a radical plan to restore our nation to the maximum freedoms we were supposed to have been protecting, using only the battlefield of ideas.

Oh, the "battlefield of ideas." Where is this battlefield? I bet it's on the Island of Idiocy. Right next to Loonytown, Mr. Mayor. Will everyone be unarmed, or just you?

The Day After Tomorrow . . . Is Sunny And Mild?

If you get out too far in front of a scientific theory, you may want to "slow your roll." Suddenly you look around and you're all alone (well, just you, Al Gore and an indian chief with a rolling tear).

Scandal at the East Anglia Climate "Research" Unit! Hackers release emails showing falsification of statistics? Skeptical voices in the scientific community snuffed out? Empirical "tricks" to substantiate warming trends? Beautification of climate change graphs for mass consumption?

It's all sham! I guess there are actually six steps to the Scientific Method: Problem, Hypothesis, Experiment, Observation, Conclusion, and, lastly, prevarication. And it's the "global warming scandal of the century" for gadfly Michelle Malkin. I guess the only question left here is what did Obama know, when did he know it and why won't he release his "long form" birth certificate proving he is a muslim from Kenya. Oh despicable "Culture of Corruption."

On the other hand, calling a bunch of emails from a couple of scientists at one university the death knell of the global warming/climate change/hotter-than-balls-now movement may be a bit hyperbolic.

Now if you will excuse me: I need to leave all the lights in my home on before I drive to the store 300 feet down the road in my 1984 Cadillac Seville with no muffler while drinking coffee out of a styrafoam cup and spraying an entire aerosol bottle of Aquanet on my hair.

"Paper or plastic, sir?"

Plastic, but double bag it. Don't triple bag it. I lead a practical life.

Watch Your Back, Mr. Simmons...

...because Warm Apple Pie is monitoring you. The picture below was taken by WAP at the Clippers-Nuggets game on Friday night while WAP was passing through Los Angeles on his way to Shanghai to negotiate a new carbon emissions protocol. Mr. Simmons: you have been warned... WAP managed to attach a tracking device to you while you were waiting on line for beer (oh who are we kidding - there are no lines at Clippers games!). We know where you are at all times. In a related story, do you EVER leave your couch? Seriously...

Rhinotaxy

From Politico:

The bill levies a 5 percent tax on elective cosmetic surgery. The provision raises $5 billion and was needed to make the numbers work, according to a Democratic Senate aide.

The Finance Committee considered the tax but dismissed it, in part because it was a public relations battle that senators were not willing to wage.

$5 billion in revenue going forward, but $500 billion if this do-nothing Congress would have acted with a sense of urgency after the release of Thiller in 1982. Jackson WAS the public option. Nip, tuck, make a buck, health bill sucks, makes me wanna chuck, bunch of muckety-mucks, don't really give a f**k, blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, suck it Pelosi, blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. The health care debate has reduced me to crude rhymes and indefatigable groans.

Ever forward with the tax, however. Pelosi's face is an unexplored goldmine.

The Potatoe Runs a Test...

Good afternoon people. Today, to welcome you all back to the Potatoe (or to find some new friends), we're going to highlight some of the headlines we've seen come across the ticker today...

"Dakota Fanning attends premeire of Twilight: New Moon movie and receives copy of Sarah Palin autobiography while mourning death of Ken Ober"

"Maersk Alabama crew fend off pirate attack while watching Jenna Jameson on Oprah and discussing Elizabeth Smart kidnapper situation"

"Obama to celebrate Thanksgiving by receiving H1N1 Swine Flu shot and shopping on Black Friday with Amanda Peet, Lady GaGa and Manny Pacquiao"

"Michelle Wie watches meteor shower with Dana Delaney and Michelle Obama while discussing 2012"

"Giant jellyfish to rock Sugar Bowl with Adam Sandler and Michael Scott"

Now, we could have gone dirty with this, but we decided to keep it clean. Shockingly, these are the top searches across the internet right now. Giant jellyfish? Meteor shower? What happened to the good old days when people searched for porn???

It Puts The Palin In The Basket (With Update)

Andrew Sullivan and support staff at the Daily Dish have gone postal on Palin yet again and descended into fullbore bananas-mode. They now meddle with the dark arts of fanatacism, conspiracy theorizing and celebrity derangement disorder.

Pulling the plug on Dish posts based on new, "shocking" (sarcastic finger quotes, not for citation) evidence brought to bare through Palin's book, evidence that must be digested and considered now rather than later - because of the "possibility of a huge scandal" - is akin to John McCain suspending his campaign to think hard about the economy. It appears he is going after the "fantastic story of her fifth pregnancy" again with renewed zeal (Trig's mommy is Bristol not Sarah's, or something to that effect).

As if the smoking gun is in the pages of Going Rogue. It's not. Sullivan loves to create an atmosphere of intrigue and innuendo around Palin's tall tales (admittedly many), but the payoff is never worth the buildup and the portended "huge scandal" is invariably nothing more than a colorful restatement of the obvious.

Sullivan's grand proclamation of the coming exegesis of Going Rogue, a monastic vow of silence necessary to play the part of the erudite super-sleuth:

"To Our Readers :

This is only the second time in its nearly ten-year history that the Dish has gone silent. The reason now is the same as the reason then. When dealing with a delusional fantasist like Sarah Palin, it takes time to absorb and make sense of the various competing narratives that she tells about her life. There are so many fabrications and delusions in the book, mixed in with facts, that just making sense of it - and comparing it with objective reality as we know it, and the subjective reality she has previously provided - is a bewildering task. She is a deeply disturbed person which makes this work of fiction and fact all the more challenging to read. And the fact that she is now the leader of the Republican party and a potential presidential candidate, makes this process of deconstruction an important civil responsibility. We take this seriously as we always have. We want to be fair to her, and to her family, and to the innocent people she has brought into the spotlight. And we are not reporters. We are merely analysts trying to make sense of evidence already in the public domain, evidence that points in all sorts of directions, only one of which can be true.

Since the Dish has tried to be rigorous and careful in analyzing Palin's unhinged grip on reality from the very beginning - specifically her fantastic story of her fifth pregnancy - we feel it's vital that we grapple with this new data as fairly and as rigorously as possible. That takes time to get right. And it is so complicated we simply cannot focus on anything else.
There are only three of us.

And we have had the book for less than a day. We feel we owe it to you to get it right - or as right as we can - until we post or publish anything. As readers know, we also differ on some key issues and intend to air them and thrash this out until we are confident that whatever we publish is as fair as possible.

At some point, we will also go back and make sure we have not missed all the evidence of the other lies that Palin is now peddling. We won't miss anything. But we ask for your patience.
There is a possibility here of such a huge scandal that we would be crazy not to take our time either to debunk it or move it forward for further examination.

We have only one commitment: to get this right. Please bear with us as we do the best we can."

What's that you say??? Hmmmm??? Palin's a liar, you say????? Good work Holmes! Scotland Yard thanks you!!!

***UPDATE***: I will always remember where I was on November 19, 2009, when Sullivan and his unrelenting, uncompromising, unassailable crackerjack team of investigative journalists over at the Dish cracked the Palin code, winnowed out the truth, deciphered it, and prove once and for all, to the chagrin of their naysayers and in the name of truth, justice, liberty, apple pie, Glen Beck, and the "American Way," that Trig's mother is indeed . . .:

This Dish will resume as normal tomorrow morning. We apologize for the lacuna. And I suppose some will say we've gotten this book and the issues it raises out of perspective. But since the last campaign, we have raised many questions about Palin to which we have been given no incontestable answers (and still haven't) and the only real evidence we have are news stories, interviews and now, critically this book.

In his hagiography of Palin, Matt Continetti accuses yours truly of earnestness about all this. I am grateful for his not accusing me of cynicism. I remain earnest in both suspecting every word she says but also in trying to find out the truth as best we can. It's not that Palin cannot tell the truth; it is that it is so mixed up with lies and delusions that separating them all out is not a quick or easy task. The Dish, meanwhile, has aired a whole range of views about her various 33 and counting verified lies, and the Dish's own Patrick Appel has weighed in independently on the whole, bizarre pregnancy/labor story, which has mystified me from Day One. So I feel obliged to do the homework properly - to be fair to Palin and to our readers as much as anything else.

Anyway, we're done now. And I hope to be up half the night trying to write a post on the great mystery of the stories about Trig, stories that have bedeviled the blogosphere and many others for months. There is no proof here of anything, but there is a much more nuanced and detailed narrative of the events (especially now we have Palin's first considered version of the events since the campaign) that when taken together has definitely helped illuminate what was once obscure and, well, bizarre. Believe it or not, it makes a little more sense now.

Stay tuned. And then the Dish will return to its normal programming.

. . . yep, sounds about right. Thanks for the hot lead. Don't rush back from your "lacuna," Definitely-Not-Captain Sully. We'll be fine on our own for awhile, you know, hearing Palin speak and realizing she's full of shit based on common sense, our ears, our eyes and the facts as we already know them.

"I'm Resigning, and Job Growth Also"

That quittiest of quitters, Sarah Palin, finally resigned. In a Potatoe exclusive, we have learned that the real reason for her resignation was her violation of Alaska's constitution by simultaneously holding two public offices: (1) Governor of the State of Alaska and (2) Mayor of Crazytown. Oh Sarah, while you have chosen to forsake Alaska's larger concerns for a smaller, yet more fanatic, constituency, you will always be Governor of our hearts. And longjohns.

Quitter McGhee summed things up: “So, how about, in honor of the American soldier, you quit making things up.”

Because when you make things up about Sarah Palin, it dishonors our soldiers. You see! It's all connected! When you don't curb your dog, American astronauts lose the will to fly. So while we are all at it, how about, in honor of the American astronaut, you curb your dog. Jerk.

And enough with the apologetics! Tom Cruz and all the other Hollywood starlets wouldn't know what to do if they were trapped in the Alaskan wilderness with nothing to fend for themselves but their bare hands (covered in gortex sub-zero gloves), a long-distance hunting rifle with night-vision scope, and a helicopter. Let's see Xenu save you from that, you apologetics.

The Luxury Furnace

President Obama is failing miserably in his argument for healthcare reform, and it's because he is letting his opponents control the argument. Right now, everyone is focused on the "how" of healthcare reform, instead of the "why." That argument is ideal for opponents of healthcare reform, and it's an argument Obama can't win. People aren't going to be convinced on the how - or even open to debate it - until after they have been sold on the why.

Think of healthcare as a new furnace. You won't upgrade your furnace just because you solved the "how" question by examining your budget and determining that you have enough savings to pay for it. First, you must convince yourself that you need the upgraded furnace in the first place (the "why" question). If you don't need the furnace, it becomes a luxury, rather than a necessity. You are much more likely to compromise on the how if you are convinced that a new furnace is a necessity. You might even cut back on other spending areas. There is no need to make those concessions if you don't need think you need a new furnace. It's a much more difficult sell when the buyer isn't even sure he wants to buy the product.

By taking on the how before the why is settled, Obama is selling a luxury furnace. Too bad America's healthcare furnace is leaking oil and stopped running years ago.

Do your job!

So according to Frank Lautenberg (D-N.J.), most of his colleagues voting for the Stimulus Bill won't have time to read it before voting yes.

Add this to the Peter King interview I heard the other night, where he stated that he had already decided not to vote for the bill despite never having read it, and it's pretty clear that we are being governed by a Congress more concerned about posturing and politics than actually governing.

That is completely unacceptable. Nobody voting for it has read it. Nobody voting against it has read it. Maybe if guys like King and Lautenberg would spend a little less time mugging for the camera and doing interviews, they could, you know, actually spend time doing their f'ing jobs.

Nothing Fair About The Fairness Doctrine

Foreboding words from Senator Stabenow. The resurrection of the Fairness Doctrine may be more than a Republican circle meme:

http://www.politico.com/blogs/michaelcalderone/0209/Sen_Stabenow_wants_hearings_on_radio_accountability_talks_fairness_doctrine.html?showall

If Obama doesn't vehemently oppose these shenanigans by the Democratic senators, he loses my vote in 2012. This is a deal breaker issue for me. Fortunately, as of today, Obama is on the right side of the debate.

There is nothing fair about the Fairness Doctrine.

You know why Air America and liberal talk radio (liberal news mediums in general for that matter) do not work? Because no one listens. Liberals and independents don't need a radio caller, nor do they congregate in partisan audience enclaves to heed the call - they are comfortable in their own skin (pock-marked and boil-laden skin to some) and do not worship at one media church. Neocons, however, flock to the minstrel song of Rush and O'Reilly because they are scared of the coming liberal world (so they've been told). That's why the Factor always has 3 million viewers and wins the ratings war each night - 3 million Republican ninnies. CNN shows get about 1.5 million comprised of an eclectic mix from all political ideologies.

With that said, Fox News should be the "number one name in cable news" because they get the most viewers and, in turn, get the most ad buyers and generate the most ad revenue. Same applies to conservative radio and, simply put, conservative broadcasters are profitable. Liberal broadcasters are not. Period. That's how the free market of ideas works. And there are myriad outlets in all forms of media for the hardened liberal audience member to get his or her fill (Huffington Post, Salon, Slate, MSNBC, Maddow, New York Times, etc., etc., etc.).

Any attempt by the Democrats to infect conservative talk radio with their message and break up the rightist listening block is not about fairness, it's about ideological autocracy; a democratic party hellbent on 50 years of liberal rule (same mistake Rove made coming into 2001, partisan hubris run amuck).

Deal breaker. Obama supports the fairness doctrine or fresh nomenclature describing this disbanded principle, I'm off the team.