The Coolest of All Cucumbers

Even big spiders on his breast pocket can't phase Obama. This guy is cool under economic fire. Cool under arachnid fire.

This would have been the gaffe-turning point for my campaign as I erupted in frenzied, emergency motions, swingly my arms wildy and drenched in little school girl tears!

"Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww. Get it off!!!!!!! Get it off!!!! Ewwwww! It's biting me!!!! Jesus Christ, where is it!!!!!Please!!!!! Somebody help me!!!!! I need a bailout!!!!!"

This clip sealed the deal for me. I'm voting for the uber-cool customer who laughs at spiders and market volatility.

"Yeah, It Has Got to Be the Media's Fault." Right

Payoff on this clip is the last ten seconds.

After Rudy "Nueve Once" (recent legal name change by the former mayor) provides the usual fodder in response to a question about the vicious ad hominem attacks coming from the McCain campaign and its minions over the past week, CBS anchor Harry Smith lets slip a little main stream media bile.

"Yeah, It has got to be the media's fault." Look out folks! Harry Smith is off the leash and frothing mad with unwavering restraint and subtle sarcasm!

The Republicans are like Demi Moore at the end of "Disclosure" - out of pride, out of gas, out of bridges to burn, cloaked in detestableness.

I've never seen you play the victim before, GOP? It suits you.

Is That A Bottle Of Unprescribed Vicodin In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Well, it's about time. Finally, the mainstream media backs the slippery Palin into a corner, disabused of her handlers, her "shoosh" people or any means of escape. Time to face the harsh glare of responsible, objective, unflinching journalism. We've got questions, Sarah. And we have savage follow-ups. Put down the crib sheet, turn off the teleprompter - no talking point can save you now. After six weeks of tactical evasion, Palin has her Q&A come-uppance. This is going to be good:





RUSH: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Rush Limbaugh and Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress by The Hollies taking us into our little chat here with Governor Sarah Palin, the vice presidential nominee for John McCain. Governor Palin, welcome to the program. It's nice to have you here. It's a pleasure to speak with you.

GOVERNOR PALIN: Hey. Thank you so much and dittos from Scranton.

RUSH: Scranton, Pennsylvania, on the bus?

GOVERNOR PALIN: We just got off the bus. We're heading into a rally here, but wanted to take a couple of minutes to get to say hi and let you know what we're doin', Rush.

RUSH: I tell you, I was in a quandary here this morning. I admire you so much I really don't know what to ask. I was tempted to say, "Okay, Governor Palin. You've got ten minutes. Let her rip." (laughs)

GOVERNOR PALIN: (laughs)

Sigh.

Hohhhhhh YES!!!!!!

The Huffington Post is reporting that that the Washington lobbyist John McCain has named to head his presidential transition team lobbied directly for executed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. Let me just say, hohhhhhhh YESSSSS!!!!!!!!

The two lobbyists who McCain aide William Timmons worked closely with
over a five year period on the lobbying campaign later either pleaded guilty to
or were convicted of federal criminal charges that they had acted as
unregistered agents of Saddam Hussein's government.

Having directly lobbied on behalf of Saddam Hussein is kinda bad, no? Sorta makes having sat on a committee in the '90s with Bill Ayers seem kinda like having gone to kindergarten with someone who got a speeding ticket 30 years later. Did I mention SADDAM HUSSEIN??? Good thing McCain is going to do away with all those Washington lobbyists, and by "do away with" I mean "appoint to positions of remarkable power in spite of having given aid and comfort to an enemy of the United States of America," which, and correct me if I'm wrong, is treason. Let me put it this way: John McCain hearts Saddam Hussein.

Piss hands: Not just for ball players anymore

Newly re-crowned WBC heavyweight champion Vitaly "Dr. Ironfist" Klitschko had some swelling in his massive hands after beating Nigerian Nightmare Samuel Peter by TKO on Saturday. How did he treat the swelling, you ask? He wrapped his hands in his son's wet, urine-soaked diapers, of course!

"I wrap nappies filled with my three-year-old son Max's wee around my fists," he said, adding he got the idea from his grandmother. "The nappies hold the liquid and the swelling stays down."

Avid baseball fans have been regaled for years by winsome tales of favorite ballplayers pissing on their own hands during spring training to harden them for a season of baseball. The players known for doing this are almost exclusively the same few players who don't wear batting gloves during games and rely instead on their well-calloused piss-hands. Moises Alou and Jorge Posada are prime examples, though I'd hazard a guess that Manny Ramirez pees on his hands too, but probably just for fun.

Yay wee wee!

Disney Characters Endorse Obama

St. Petersburg Times reports that none other than Mickey Mouse tried to register to vote for the 2008 presidential election. Mickey's application was stamped with the logo of embattled nonprofit group ACORN, the "Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now," a grass roots action group pressing various social and economic issues for low income citizens.

ACORN has come under fire for what Republican watchdogs allege are unscrupulous voter registration drives in key battleground states. The building confrontation has become white hot in Ohio, where yesterday election officials in Cuyahoga County, Ohio's most populous voting district, launched an investigation into certain dubious dealings by ACORN canvassers, including an allegation by a 19-year-old registrant that he fraudulently signed 73 voter registration forms in the span of five months in exchange for $20 worth of cigarettes and cash.

Is the registration of Mickey Mouse really a story? I mean I know you need filler for the 24 hour news cycle. He's a six foot tall talking mouse: Shouldn't he be easy to spot and pull out of line at the polling place on November 4th in the unlikely event he attempts to vote?

This is a non-story. Give me something with legs - like Goofy soliciting a transvestite hooker outside the Carousel of Progress in Tomorrowland. That's a scoop. Or Cinderella getting violently gang-raped by Donald Duck and an animatronic William Howard Taft in the basement of the Hall of Presidents - a shocking crime that will forever rob the Liberty Square community of its innocence.

In a related story, Greta Van Susteren has pledged to burn herself at the stake if Barack Obama wins Ohio from an ACORN boon. Greta has done for her cause celebre, ACORN, what Nancy Grace has done for poor Caylee Anthony: Absolutely nothing! - except scowls, sneering eye rolls and pushing an investigatory progress comparable to Ray Charles looking for a five dollar bill in a wad of cash.

"Where's Caylee, dammit????? Where's Caylee?????? Now, look at my precious twins and worship them! Bless you, friends!"

Be all my sins remember'd

Monday's Anchorage Daily News ran a scathing editorial regarding Sarah Palin's "Orwellian" response to the Branchflower Report, explicitly finding that she abused her power and violated the state's ethics law. Reading it, frankly, was rather reassuring to me; not everyone in Alaska has been eating a steady diet of retard sandwiches.

Palin vindicated?
Governor offers Orwellian spin
Published: October 13th, 2008 10:02 PM

Last Modified: October 13th, 2008 10:17 PM

Sarah Palin's reaction to the Legislature's Troopergate report is an embarrassment to Alaskans and the nation.

She claims the report "vindicates" her. She said that the investigation found "no unlawful or unethical activity on my part."

Her response is either astoundingly ignorant or downright Orwellian.

Page 8, Finding Number One of the report says: "I find that Governor Sarah Palin abused her power by violating Alaska Statute 39.52.110(a) of the Alaska Executive Branch Ethics Act."

In plain English, she did something "unlawful." She broke the state ethics law.

http://www.adn.com/opinion/view/story/555236.html

Say Hello to your Mother for Me, Goat!

Warm Apple Pie spends its first political timeout and has two remaining. I could not let this pass without feigned outrage (feigned outrage is my bailiwick if you hadn't guessed).

Marky Mark mewls about Andy Samberg's think piece, what would it be like if Wahlberg exchanged pleasantries with some animals. From the Huffington Post:

"Wahlberg said of the sketch:

Someone showed it to me on YouTube. It wasn't like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that's for sure. And "Saturday Night Live" hasn't been funny for a long time. They've asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don't even know who's on the show now."

Let me get this straight: You're livid over SNL conjuring up a fictitious dialogue between yourself and a bunch of barnyard critters? Then I'm more livid over those 10 bucks you heisted from my wallet when I saw The Happening. I'd rather blow the goat Samberg was chatting up then sit through that cinematic turd again. And I thought you had a "great, big c*ck," Eddie Adams. Weak.

Wahlberg, say hello to your mother for me, alright.

God Love Yah, You've Had Some Work Done

Yes, Joe Biden has the forehead of a 21-year-old as the Republicans start smearing Lunchpail's unfurrowed brow.

Get a new bag of tricks, neocon vipers! - John Kerry's upper countenance was similarly "skull-f**ked" and "swift-boated" in similar fashion during the 2004 election.

Can't a Democratic elder simply have good, natural bone structure? How do you think FDR appear so rackishly handsome during all those televised speeches and webcasts?

My name is John Kerry and I'm reporting for . . . surgery. This is my buddy, Joe. Can we schedule him for a consultation.

Santa Claus, J.D. Drew and now Governor Palin

Hmmm, not giving you that "rock star" reception you're used to at McCain rallies in the sticks? According to some reports, the disjointed theme music accompanying Palin's introduction before dropping the ceremonial puck at a Flyers-Rangers game was noticeably raised as she approached center ice to drown out the boos.

However, the crowd was not permitted any follow-up boos, jeers or hisses at the request of Palin's handlers.

Welcome to Philly, Sarah. Man, welcome to the contiguous United States, sister!

The only time I have felt unsafe at a sporting event was watching a Giants-Eagles game at the Vet in days of yore. I thought they were going to shiv my father in the upper deck.

Palin: McCain Will End Washington's Abuses of Power

Finding One of the Branchflower Report: ". . . I find that Governor Sarah Palin ABUSED HER POWER by violating Alaska Statute 39.52.110(a). . . ."

I think I just choked on a crazy pill! Palin sports quite a poker face to deliver this talking point tripe again and again, never with the slightest indicia of shame or hesitation.

I'd say that Biden should go after her (makes no sense for Obama to give her credibility by breathing her name) if she wasn't doing such a fantastic job in attacking herself.

Send her back to Alaska, folks, so she can return to the important business of monitoring Russia.

Behind Enemy Lines

McCain supporters drift astray into hostile waters south of Houston in Manhattan.

Despite reports from Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh to the contrary, none of these intrepid Republicans were murdered by the liberal heathens during this march.

Levi Johnston's Wedding Band: "Bristol"

Hypocrisy, Mendacity and Unmitigated Gall

ABC News and Politico are reporting that Rep. Tim Mahoney — the Florida Democrat who replaced disgraced Republican Mark Foley in 2006 — paid $121,000 to a staffer with whom he had an affair.

According to ABC News, "Mahoney was elected two years ago following the abrupt resignation of his disgraced predecessor, Republican Mark Foley, whose lewd internet messages to teenage boys and Congressional pages created a national outrage.

The affair between Mahoney and Allen began, according to the current and former staffers, in 2006 when Mahoney was campaigning for Congress against Foley, promising 'a world that is safer, more moral.'"

"At the time, Mahoney's campaign ads featured a picture of him with his wife, Terry, with the line, 'Restoring America's Values Begins at Home.'"

Lately, it seems as if all my vitriol has been directed at Republicans, and with good reason. But this story illustrates my real problem with politics and politicians, regardless of their political affiliations, and that problem is gross hypocrisy. Look, I don't care if this yutz has an affair, or even if he pays off his mistress (so long as he is using his own money to do it). The problem for me is this sonofabitch pointing his finger at another sinner and getting all moralistic and holier-than-thou. Now is a congressman screwing a woman other than his wife less bad than a congressman trying to gay-bang teenage boys? Probably? Maybe? Who knows. Who cares? What's the difference? It's like Sidecar always says, if you live in a glass house, you shouldn't throw stones.

Run on your ideas, run on your record, run on your golf handicap, but if you can't keep your dick in your pants, please don't insult me by telling me you are some morally wonderful, God-fearing saint.

The Orwellian Tactic of Debunking Facts

"I'm very, very pleased to be cleared of any legal wrongdoing, any hint of any kind of unethical activity there. Very pleased to be cleared of any of that."

- Sarah Palin (from her less-than-six minute phone interview with four journalists based in Alaska restricted from asking any follow-up questions. Kudos to McCain for making her "available.").

"For the reasons explained in section IV of this report, I find that Governor Sarah Palin abused her power by violating Alaska Statute 39.52.110(a) of the Alaska Executive Branch Ethics Act. Alaska Statute 39.52.110(a) provides: The legislature reaffirms that each public officer holds office as a public trust, and any effort to benefit a personal or financial interest through official action is a violation of that trust."

- Finding Number One from the Branchflower Report.

"How many fingers, Winston?"

"Four. I suppose there are four. I would see five if I could. I am trying to see five."

"Which do you wish: to persuade me that you see five, or really to see them?"

"Really to see them."

- Excerpt from George Orwell's 1984

Yes, yes, I see now!!!! Palin was exonerated!!!! Palin is the victim!!!!!!!!!!! The Report cleared her. Finding Two is Finding One. I see now, O'Brien! I see it! Long live the GOP!

Hitchens: "Palin is simply a disgrace"

Christopher Hitchens writing for Slate has had enough of Palin:

"The most insulting thing that a politician can do is to compel you to ask yourself: "What does he take me for?" Precisely this question is provoked by the selection of Gov. Sarah Palin. I wrote not long ago that it was not right to condescend to her just because of her provincial roots or her piety, let alone her slight flirtatiousness, but really her conduct since then has been a national disgrace. It turns out that none of her early claims to political courage was founded in fact, and it further turns out that some of the untested rumors about her—her vindictiveness in local quarrels, her bizarre religious and political affiliations—were very well-founded, indeed. Moreover, given the nasty and lowly task of stirring up the whack-job fringe of the party's right wing and of recycling patent falsehoods about Obama's position on Afghanistan, she has drawn upon the only talent that she apparently possesses."

Unabashed in his love of booze, Hitchens has a sober moment. He endorses Barack Obama for President.

Unless an emergency requires his immediate attention again . . .

. . . John McCain will appear on the Late Show with David Letterman on October 16 - the night after the debate.

Having averted the economic crisis by the daring decision to suspend his campaign and return to Washington, McCain feels it is an appropriate time to be funny again.

"We have 22 days to go. We’re six points down"

It is now or never for John McCain. The final debate on Wednesday. When the dust settles, a two- week sprint to November 4 where Obama's cash-heavy coffers will be unleashed and exhausted.

The following figures come courtesy of Real Clear Politics ("RCP").

National polls still show Obama leading outside the 3% margin of error as of October 12:

RCP Average: Obama +6.8

Rasmussen Tracking: Obama +5

Zogby Tracking: Obama +4

Hotline/FD Tracking: Obama +6

ABC/Washington Post: Obama +10

More significant, Obama is trending upwards in the hotly contested, big electoral prize battleground states, the key to winning this election:

Ohio (20 electoral votes): Obama +2.9 (RCP average)

Pennsylvania (17 electoral votes): Obama +13.4 (RCP average)

Florida (27 electoral votes): Obama +3.8 (RCP average)

If Obama carries Florida, then the only thing Sarah Palin will be "shaking up" come inauguration day will be Trig's formula. Florida is ball game.

Even more ominous for the McCain faithful are Obama's inroads in states traditionally viewed as Republican bastions:

Virginia (17 electoral votes): Obama +6.3 (RCP average)

North Carolina (15 electoral votes): Obama +1.2 (RCP average)

Indiana (11 electoral votes): McCain +3.8 (RCP average)

Indiana is the most alarming example of Obama's momentum over the past month. Keep in mind that Bush easily carried Indiana in both 2000 (by a landslide 16%) and again in 2004 (by a whopping 20%). The fact that the Democrats have thrown Indiana into play speaks volumes to McCain's predicament with three weeks to go. He is running out of electoral map permutations to claim victory.

And an African-American candidate with a Muslim father leading in a "Deep South" state like North Carolina. Pretty remarkable.

Unveiling a new comeback speech this week, McCain now attempts to cast himself as the scrappy, pugnacious underdog looking for a back-alley brawl against insurmountable odds:

"Let me give you the state of the race today. We have 22 days to go. We’re six points down . . . What America needs in this hour is a fighter; someone who puts all his cards on the table and trusts the judgment of the American people. I come from a long line of McCains who believed that to love America is to fight for her. I have fought for you most of my life. There are other ways to love this country, but I’ve never been the kind to do it from the sidelines.”

To arms then, John. You're on the clock. See you Wednesday night at Hofstra.

Baghdad John

I'm sure you all remember Baghdad Bob - Saddam's minister of disinformation turned internet sensation - proclaiming that there were no American tanks in Baghdad while the 3rd Infantry Division was rolling down Hussein Avenue. Well it seems we now have our own American version - Baghdad John. As the Palin-McCain tanks of racism are rolling down Main Street, USA, Baghdad John is telling the world that he's running a respectful campaign. Another day, another appeal to racism by the McCain campaign, and another day where Baghdad John asserts that the campaign he's running differs from the reality on the ground.

From Karen Tumulty of Time:

With so much at stake, and time running short, Frederick did not feel he had the luxury of subtlety. He climbed atop a folding chair to give 30 campaign volunteers who were about to go canvassing door to door their talking points — for instance, the connection between Barack Obama and Osama bin Laden: "Both have friends that bombed the Pentagon," he said. "That is scary." It is also not exactly true — though that distorted reference to Obama's controversial association with William Ayers, a former 60s radical, was enough to get the volunteers stoked. "And he won't salute the flag," one woman added, repeating another myth about Obama. She was quickly topped by a man who called out, "We don't even know where Senator Obama was really born." Actually, we do; it's Hawaii.

The Frederick in the above anecdote is none other than the GOP Chairman of Virgina, Jeffrey M. Frederick. Not some low level volunteer. Not some maverick Maverick supporter spewing hate on his own time. This is the GOP Chairman of Virginia. You can email or call him here, if you so desire.

Now either John McCain is sincere in his desire to run a respectful campaign, but has no control over that campaign (disqualifying him from the presidency), or he is a bigot (disqualifying him from the presidency). And for those who bristle at the allegation that McCain is a racist, I will offer the following - if McCain doesn't want people to think he's a racist, then he should stop appealing to racism in his campaign. If McCain doesn't want people to think he's a racist, then he should stop defending his supporters that call Obama a "terrorist," a "traitor," and advocate killing him. If McCain doesn't want people to think he's racist, then he should stop looking the other way when supporter after supporter treat Obama's middle name as a pejorative term. If McCain doesn't want people to think he's a racist, then he shouldn't let his campaign Co-Chair - his campaign Co-Chair - call Obama "a guy of the street" and insinuate that he was a drug dealer. If McCain doesn't want people to think he's a racist, then he shouldn't unleash his running mate to incite rage and xenophobia resulting in racial outbursts towards the closest black person in the room. If McCain doesn't want people to think he's racist, then he shouldn't allow the invocation at a Palin-McCain rally to explicitly call for a defeat of the Hindu, Buddhist and Muslim people praying for Obama. If McCain doesn't want people to think he's a racist, then he shouldn't allow his supporters to send letters from Republican headquarters stating that "Obama is an Arab."

If McCain doesn't want people to think he's a racist, then he should stop his campaign from saying racist shit. And if Baghdad John doesn't want to become the joke that Baghdad Bob is, then he better start facing reality instead of creating his own.

BREAKING NEWS: McCain to kick You-Know-What, take names and then have a short nap.

I normally don't giggle like a schoolgirl, but this little nugget had me clutching my "Wasilla Moosehunting Barbie" and cackling like a tweener:

McCain said he and running mate Sarah Palin would continue campaigning hard in the three weeks left before Election Day, in places like Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Mexico, Nevada and Colorado. The two planned a joint appearance Monday in Virginia, a Republican stronghold turned battleground this time. "We're going to spend a lot of time and after I whip his you-know-what in this debate, we're going to be going out 24/7," McCain said. The two men will debate Wednesday at Hofstra University on Long Island, N.Y. CBS News anchor Bob Schieffer will moderate the 90-minute forum. Still, McCain promised to run a "respectful" campaign in the weeks to come. "I respect Senator Obama, we will conduct a respectful race and be sure everyone else does too. But there are stark difference between us," McCain said.

John, listen... you cannot threaten to kick someone's ass at something (and John, I'd respect you more if you just said "ass." "You-know-what" is something my grandmother would have said before she had her daily 4 pm glass of Scotch, after which it became "ass" if you were lucky and words I still don't fully understand the meaning of if you were not.) and then say you're going to run a respectful campaign. If you threaten to whup up on someone, that's straight-up disrespect and I do not think that's subject to reasonable disagreement. I have no problem with the disrespect either, but do not temper it in the next breath. Either throw down or do not throw down - there is no try.

Side note, Johnny: it's too late to throw down. You betcha.