Supervillian Genius Criminal Mastermind

Nobel Prize-laureate, Rhodes Scholar, MENSA member and embattled NY Giants wide-receiver, Plaxico Burress remains in the news three weeks after the bizarre incident in a New York City nightclub in which he accidentally shot himself in the thigh with a .40 Glock handgun. Local New Jersey police entered his home yesterday to execute a search warrant and found a trove of unusual items. Specifically, police found:

• One 9mm handgun
• A rifle A "small cache" of ammo for .380, .45. and .40 caliber guns
• A suitcase full of money
• A pair of blood-soaked jeans

It's kind of remarkable. Not really because of the weapons and ammo and stuff, or the suitcase full of money, but look at the last item: blood-soaked jeans. Now, maybe you're asking yourself, what is surprising about a guy who just shot himself in the leg having a pair of blood-soaked jeans? But then you remember that Plax was wearing sweats at tha club....

Here's some important gun-handling tips from Plax himself

Blagojevich: Is there anything left to say? Yes.

Unless you've been hiding under a rock or his hair, you know about the corruption and general douchebaggery of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (note: is this name real? It can't be real, can it?). Let's not focus on his crimes. They've been covered to death already. Let's focus on his wife...

She's been called "Lady MacBeth" by ABC News here. Apparently she keeps scrubbing but can't get her damned clothes clean. Effing spots. Won't come out. But let's click on that link...

Mrs. Blagjackoffovich: hot or not? You be the judge; the Potatoe's lines are open.

Also, sorry we've been slow here for the last few days. We promise we'll get back on the horse. Wagon. Horse drawn wagon. Whatever.

Obama Is A MacDaddy . . .

No commentary needed:

The Juice . . . Is No Longer Loose!

You can read the Bible to pass the time, but salvation does not lie within . . . not for you.

Yes We Can . . . Tank Our Professional Aspirations

27-year-old wunderkind John Favreau (no relation to the eponymous Vince Vaughn pilot fish), valedictorian of Holy Cross's class of 2003 and current chief speechwriter for President-Elect Barack Obama, may have to dig deep into his formidable bag of words to orate his way out of this candid mess - groping the right boob of our future Secretary of State's life size cutout while his co-conspirator plies the victim with a Heineken.

Hmmm, looking for a six-letter word, starts with an "f", ends with an "ed", describing Favreau's situation at Rahm Emanuel's Monday morning staff meeting.

Described by the Washington Post as "immensely talented," and with his proclamation as "immensely stupid" by the right-stream media pending, Favreau had nothing to say in response to questions about his erotic-partying with the corrugated folds of Clinton's paper-power teet. Suckling on the metaphorical power teet is permitted, but caressing its cardboard replication could be career suicide!

John, you've got a cocky grin going in this photo, but clearly you haven't completed the training. The force is strong with you, precocious political insider, but you are not a legitimate power broker yet. You never give them color, young padawan. Rob Lowe's character in "The West Wing" unwittingly humped a hooker in the pilot episode, but the romp never yielded photographic evidence.

I'm In Palinville And Andrew Sullivan Is The Mayor

Breaking news: Palin not fat enough before Trig's birth. And in our next segment, Barack Obama born in Saudi Arabia?

Andrew Sullivan continues his unhealthy fixation on the "truth" of Trig Palin's birth, now with new photographic evidence showing Sarah Palin three weeks before the alleged delivery. Sullivan marginalizes all the good work logged during the 2008 campaign, ever-vigilant in exposing Sarah's myriad lies and hypocrisies, with this descent into political paranoia. He can't help himself. He's addicted to this Republican heroine.

And it is a sad, sad day when this author begrudgingly makes a strange bedfellow in Michelle Malkin, forming a coalition of the sane against The Daily Dish.

The brazen demands for more proof of Trig's maternity arrive from the same baneful impetus fueling questions about Obama's "vault" birth certificate, notwithstanding that an official birth certificate has been provided.

Gather yourself, Andrew. Take a moment. I was about to purchase The Conservative Soul, but you're pushing me towards In Defense of Internment.

We're all going through the dead air doldrums of the post-election, pre-inauguration season. The blogosphere is decidedly not buzzing. But that's no warrant to light fires just to report on them.

Sandra Bok Choi

Is anyone immune from the spreading economic crisis?:

Natalie Portman is not a sole sister anymore.

Proving that not even celebrities are immune to the country's economic crisis, the actress' vegan shoe line of less than a year, the Natalie Portman Collection for Té Casan, has closed up shop, making it even more of a limited edition than expected.

The critter-free line of footwear, announced by the longtime vegetarian back in January, was launched in February of this year to the delight of animal-loving fashionistas, but not so much to the credit-crunched masses—each pair retailed on average for $200.

Then again, economic crisis or financial bankruptcy born from intellectual bankruptcy: $200 kicks made out of tofu? "That's gold, Jerry! Gold!" "A shoe about nothing."

But don't shed a stilted, George Lucas-directed tear for Queen Amidala: With a flawed business model from inception, an unmarketable product line and excessive overhead costs, The Natalie Portman Collection For Té Casan meets the requirements for an immediate government bailout.

"Why the f**k not, right?" commented Hank Paulson, addressing whether Portman's super-sweet company is eligible to receive financial assistance from the $700 billion bailout package. "Did you see Closer? Oh, the movie is a celluloid turd, but Portman moonlights as a stripper! I would definitely take a billion dollar equity stake in that hiney! Someone hand me your checkbook."

Proposition 8: The Musical

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

A hodgepodge of Hollywood celebs offer a rib-tickling protest against Proposition 8, exposing the hypocrisy of gay marriage opponents.

Normally, I detest celebrity forays into the political realm (e.g., if you tell me to vote or reverse-psychology not to vote one more time, I will slit my wrists), but this is star power used with welcome effect.

God Save Kentucky. No, Really, That's A Serious Plea.

According to a story on Fox News, a group of those damned (get it?) Atheists are at it again, trying to allege that a clause in the Kentucky state anti-terrorism law of 2002 that requires the Office of Homeland Security in KY (ever wonder why a state where sodomy is illegal is abbreviated as such?) to post a plaque saying that the safety of the state "cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon almighty God." Uh oh. Does that mean God only protects the devout? Or is the belief by most Kentuckians enough to save the rest by the transitive property of equality? Does the hypotenuse of prayer from one corner of the state mean the other two corners... oh, let's just see what else the plaque says:

The plaque, posted at the Kentucky Emergency Operations Center in Frankfort, includes the Bible verse: "Except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain."

"It is one of the most egregiously and breathtakingly unconstitutional actions by a state legislature that I've ever seen," said Edwin F. Kagin, national legal director of Parsippany, N.J.-based American Atheists Inc. The group claims the law violates both the state and U.S. constitutions.

The article then goes on to interview several prominent idiots from Kentucky, who apparently also happen to be state representatives, and they respectfully disagree with those Godless heathens from New Jersey. (writer's note: Parsippany sucks it. I've been there.) But the Atheists struck back, and it was just mean:

Kentucky isn't the only state dealing with religious issues, but Ed Buckner, president of American Atheists, said it's alone in officially enlisting God in homeland security.

"I'm not aware of any other state or commonwealth that is attempting to dump their clear responsibility for protecting their citizens onto God or any other mythological creature," Buckner said.

Ha. Actually, that was kinda funny. But it raises a good point. What about if Kentucky's Department of Homeland Security called upon the Flying Spaghetti Monster to defend its citizenry? That would probably not go over as well. But it would be a lot more delicious.

Gotham...Will Be...Destroyed.

News flash: a major attack using a chemical, biological or nuclear weapon could occur in the next few years somewhere at some time. These are the chillingly general and frighteningly unhelpful conclusions of a new study conducted by study by the Commission on the Prevention of WMD Proliferation and Terrorism (yes, that's the name. No, there's no acronym or anything. Try saying that ten times fast.) and leaked to ABC News in advance of the report's release today. Just take a look at the horrible predictions:

"The commission believes that unless the world community acts decisively and with great urgency, it is more likely than not that a weapon of mass destruction will be used in a terrorist attack somewhere in the world by the end of 2013."

Oh really? Gee, thanks guys. Somewhere in the world at some point in time in the next four years, eh? This is like calling the Psychic Friends network. I fully expect Dionne Warwick to be prominently involved.

Oh, sure, the report goes on, as summarized here, to be a tad more specific, but really it's just riddled with generalities. Yeah, terrorists are going to try to get chemical, biological or nuclear weapons and use them. We know this - we did not need to commission a study to find this out. But one passage of this was particularly terrifying - if you live in Gotham City:

"The acquisition of deadly pathogens, and their weaponization and dissemination in aerosol form, would entail fewer technical hurdles than the theft or production of weapons-grade uranium or plutonium and its assembly into an improvised nuclear device," the report argues.

Wait a tick - weaponizing aerosol pathogens and such... that sounds a lot like what the League of Shadows was trying to do in the Narrows!! Now I understand. Now it all makes sense... this report was released by Batman under his nom de plume, Commission on the Prevention of WMD Proliferation and Terrorism. Ah, I see, Mr. Wayne - I read you loud and clear. Though, may I say, your pen-name could use a little work. So the basic message is this: Stay out of Gotham until 2014 - or until Monday, when The Dark Knight DVD goes on sale.

Our National Religion

'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'

Are you kidding me, America? Get a f**king grip:

A worker was killed in the crush Friday after a throng of shoppers eager for post-Thanksgiving bargains burst through the doors at a suburban Wal-Mart, authorities said.

Police say a Wal-Mart worker has died after being trampled by a throng of unruly shoppers shortly after the Long Island store opened Friday.

At least four other people were injured, and the store in Valley Stream on Long Island was closed.

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. in Bentonville, Ark., called the incident a "tragic situation" and said the employee came from a temporary agency and was doing maintenance work at the store

Good to see that as the Secularists continue to wage war on Christmas, the holy spirit of Jesus Christ imbues Wal-Mart parishioners searching for the immaculate bargain.

And, Jesus Christ! You a-holes just killed a man in a mad rush for Japanese robot dogs at 30% off. You valued his innocent life a shade under the price fetched by a Nintendo Wii on blue light special. Happy Holidays to those moms and dads, brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, who snagged the last Tickle Me Elmo Extreme in stock, undaunted by the horrific sound of human bones breaking under their feet. Collateral damage I guess - your kid really wanted that doll. Besides, the blood splatters seamlessly mix into Elmo's red fur.

Just like the 200 who died during a stampede at a Hindu festival in Jodhpur last month, religious fanaticism in America causes death on its high holy day: Black Friday. Representatives of the National Church of Materialism would not return our calls for comment.

By the way, the very first Commandment is "you shall have no other gods before me," you despicable consumer ghouls. Yet you worship that pile of apocryphal sh*t in your shopping cart, praying for its divine power to absolve human sins and pettiness perpetrated on the 364 days other than Christmas.

I wonder what Jesus would say to all this.

***UPDATE***: Black Friday. The War at home:


***UPDATE***: "Reasonable conservative" blogger John Swift calls on President Bush to pardon Long Island tramplers:

Police in Valley Stream, New York, are reviewing videotapes to attempt to identify exuberant Black Friday shoppers who trampled to death a Wal-Mart worker who made the tragic mistake of getting between them and some very remarkable bargains. Prosecutors may even try to score cheap political points by filing criminal charges against some of these bargain hunters, who have been called “savages” and “animals" by demagogues in the liberal media.

Of course, my heart goes out to the family of this man who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but while it is unfortunate that someone got hurt, capitalism is not a dinner party. There will always be some collateral damage in a free market. Socialists who hate capitalism are now trying to scapegoat these patriotic Americans who celebrated an American tradition by rising before dawn on the day after Thanksgiving to express their love of this country by partaking of the bounties of the free enterprise system. How can those of us who were not there judge people on the front lines of the Christmas shopping rush? Can we honestly say that we would not have rushed past or over this unfortunate man on the way to grabbing the last plasma TV or Wii to bring some Christmas joy to our children?

After 9/11 President Bush said that the best way to defeat the terrorists was to “go shopping.” Should we now condemn those who took him at his word? If he meant what he said, then before he leaves office President Bush should issue a blanket pardon to these high-spirited consumers to head off this assault not only on Americans who were just trying to make Christmas a little better for their families in these trying economic times but on the capitalist system itself.

Yes, I can honestly say that I would not have rushed past a man getting squashed to death by stampeding herds of consumer "savages" and "animals," hoping to score a Star Wars bobble head for their fat brats at the cost of human life.

Good rule of thumb: when you encounter "reasonable" or "intelligent" modifying the word "conservative," expect unreasonableness and unintelligence. A reasonable conservative is an oxymoron in the contextual realm of pundits' blather.

ODB "Likes It Raw," But Not This Raw Deal

Dead at 36, Russell Jones, a.k.a. Ol' Dirty Bastard, a.k.a, Dirt McGirt, a.k.a. Big Baby Jesus, allowed MTV cameras to accompany him in a limo to a New York City welfare office to get his family's allotment of food stamps. Citibank prefers a private jet to Washington D.C, but travels with similar irony.

From a Malkin reader, fed up:

I have been a Citibank cardholder since 2002. I have a better than average credit score and a perfect payment history with Citibank. My current APR on my Citibank credit card is 7.99%. Yesterday, the same day I find out Citibank is receiving $25 billion in bailout cash from our tax dollars, I received a notice with my billing statement stating my APR would nearly double to 14.99%.

You're supposed to use bailout (i.e., taxpayer) monies to extend credit, not hike rates and screw your customers. You're supposed to use bailout (i.e., taxpayer) monies to restore a measure of fiscal sanity and forethought to your blundering corporate management, not reap a congressional windfall, then double-recover on the back end.

I cannot stomach these sinister CEO suits appearing before our nincompoop Congress, playing Oliver Twist, begging for some more government soup, with their shit-eating grins and their "shit happens" philosophy on operating a company, all the while sleeping on Egyptian cotton sheets with four-digit thread counts. You should be wearing a barrel with suspenders, you financial sector f**k-sticks! Hit the pavement! Use the sidewalk as a pillow, you captains of failed industry! Your dimwitted leadership isn't worth the paper you print your cooked books on.

I cannot take much more of this economic crisis. I think I'm cracking. Calgon, "take me away!" Or don't:

The maker of Calgon, who's slogan was "take me away" and Mr. Bubble has filed for bankruptcy.

Ascendia Brands Inc. has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protectionand said it would try to sell itself.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Sh*t! Dammit! Bail them out! Do it now!

The Rule of Law: or whatever

News is coming out of Washington today that likely will slip under the radar, but which should be of major concern to anyone who still maintains quaint notions about personal liberty, freedom and the rule of law. As noted on Drudge, with the oh so cute title "Passe Comitatus Act," MSNBC is reporting that the Pentagon has plans to deploy 20,000 uniformed soldiers within the United States to "help state and local officials respond to a nuclear terrorist attack or other domestic catastrophe."

Now, I may not have finished law school while pursuing my PhD in astrophysics at Cal Tech, so while I may not technically be a lawyer, I am a Julliard-trained rocket scientist. What's my point? Great question. Point is, there is a 130 year old federal statute -- the Posse Comitatus Act of 1878 -- that expressly forbids the United States military from engaging in domestic law enforcement activities. Just another example of the Bush Administration using the omnipresent threat of "terrorism" to bend, suspend and outright ignore binding and longstanding federal law. Every time we allow them to do this, we lose a bit of ourselves. Federal law prohibiting torturing prisoners? No problem, it's to fight terror so it's ok. Federal law prohibiting warrantless wire-taps? No problem, war on terror. Federal law prohibiting holding prisoner without charges? No problem, war on terror. Federal law prohibiting the federal government from using the U.S. military to engage in domestic law enforcement? No problem, war on terror.

Disney Theme Park Ride, Movie Trilogy Terrorize International Community

Let me get this straight - governments around the world have paid $150 million just this year to PIRATES? Like, pirates on the high seas, as reported here, with peg legs and parrots? The Somali pirate leader, pictured at left, has demanded $2 million and some Max Factor products at cost be sent to them for the release of a trawler taken hostage.

Goddamn - that's a lot more than I'm making. Time to put on some mascara and grab me-self a saber.

Yo, ho, yo, ho...

Happy Thanksgiving

Economic Patriotism

In his interview with Barbara Walters, President-Elect Obama asks for simple decency this holiday season:

WALTERS: Should bank executives -- it's almost Christmas time -- forgo their bonuses?

OBAMA: I think they should. That's an example of taking responsibility. I think that if you are already worth tens of millions of dollars, and you are having to lay off workers, the least you can do is say, "I'm willing to make some sacrifice as well, because I recognize that there are people who are a lot less well off, who are going through some pretty tough times."

How much is enough, Gordon Gekkos? People are suffering while you pad your wallets. How much is enough?

"Articulate Advocacy . . . Thank You, Sarah Palin"

A California-based political action committee, Our Country Deserves Better, will unveil a series of advertisements this Thanksgiving week giving . . . um . . . thanks . . . to vanquished GOP vice presidential candidate Governor Sarah Palin. The group thanks Sarah for her "articulate advocacy of common sense conservative values" (hahaha - I'm sorry, but I did chuckle typing this snippet) and then closes with a female doppelganger of Wilford Brimley issuing an urgent request for the Governor's moose chili recipe:


Hahaha - articulate advocacy. Man that's a gut-buster there also, you betcha.

My holiday present to the good folks at Our Country Deserves Better (who had no love loss for Barack Obama during the final weeks of the campaign): A wonderful montage of Sarah's most articulate moments:


Thank you for those interviews, Sarah. Please run in 2012.

Joe The Television Repairman

Say it ain't so, Joe? Death to analog!

Red Dawn?

The commie bastards took our McGriddles! Wolverines!!!

Oh damn. Gird your loins, folks!

Russian Professor Igor Panarin, described as a "leading Russian political analyst," predicts a new dawn for Mother Russia spawned from the economic collapse of the United States of America (courtesy of Drudge):

Professor Igor Panarin said in an interview with the respected daily IZVESTIA published on Monday: "The dollar is not secured by anything. The country's foreign debt has grown like an avalanche, even though in the early 1980s there was no debt. By 1998, when I first made my prediction, it had exceeded $2 trillion. Now it is more than 11 trillion. This is a pyramid that can only collapse."

The paper said Panarin's dire predictions for the U.S. economy, initially made at an international conference in Australia 10 years ago at a time when the economy appeared strong, have been given more credence by this year's events. When asked when the U.S. economy would collapse, Panarin said: "It is already collapsing. Due to the financial crisis, three of the largest and oldest five banks on Wall Street have already ceased to exist, and two are barely surviving. Their losses are the biggest in history. Now what we will see is a change in the regulatory system on a global financial scale: America will no longer be the world's financial regulator."

When asked who would replace the U.S. in regulating world markets, he said: "Two countries could assume this role: China, with its vast reserves, and Russia, which could play the role of a regulator in Eurasia."

Then, after a brief consultation with Michael Bay, the Ruskie pedagogue took it one step further; a geographic collapse for America as well?:

[Panarin] predicted that the U.S. will break up into six parts - the Pacific coast, with its growing Chinese population; the South, with its Hispanics; Texas, where independence movements are on the rise; the Atlantic coast, with its distinct and separate mentality; five of the poorer central states with their large Native American populations; and the northern states, where the influence from Canada is strong.

He even suggested that "we could claim Alaska - it was only granted on lease, after all." Panarin, 60, is a professor at the Diplomatic Academy of the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and has authored several books on information warfare.

The "Office of the President-Elect" responded to Panarin's prognostication with caution: "Just to be clear, while President-Elect Obama strongly disagrees with Mr. Panarin's despicable remarks, he looks forward to a constructive dialogue over the fate of Alaska."

UK Introduces New ID Card System, Codename "Older Sibling"

As I have written before here, it irks me when holier-than-thou foreigners pat us on the back for the election of Barack Obama, saying things like "we didn't think you had it in you, old chaps!" America is imperfect, but it's the most perfectly imperfect country ever devised by the hand of man. Yes, with all its flaws, it is still the greatest country in the history of history - put that in your pipe and smoke it Luxembourg.

What really gets my goat is many Euros talking about how they didn't think such a racist country could ever see its way clear to electing a black president. This sort of attitude infuriates me, because only one who had put their ethnic house in complete order should say something as pedantic. And, as anyone with even a rudimentary knowledge of European history (and I'm not talking about World War II - I'm talking about RECENT history) knows or who has taken a cursory glance at a website or newspaper covering European politics in the last few years understands, "the Continent" is anything but when it comes to racial, religious and ethnic equality.

But the folks that I hold to the highest standards because of their close relationship and shared origins are the Brits. And the Brits today, as reported here, showed conclusively that they are moving backwards, not forwards, in this area:

Britain has begun a national identity card plan for some foreign nationals in an attempt to combat terrorism and identity fraud. Opponents say it represents a costly erosion of civil liberties. The program has been debated heatedly for several years. The cards are expected to store biometric data and information about the cardholder's nationality and work eligibility.
The first group to receive the new cards will be foreign students and permanent residents' spouses who apply for visa renewals. Officials expect more than 50,000 cards to be issued in the next four months and that the program will be expanded in coming years.

This topic has been hotly debated in Britain for several years since passage of the 2006 Identity Cards Act which gave the green light to this system (you can read more about it here). But what does this really mean for Brits? What should they expect? The answers might frighten you if you hold your freedom and civil liberties precious and think it is important to protect minorities within your country:

Under the NIR ("National Identity Register"), UK Residents with an ID card will be required to fulfil certain functions:
-Attend in person to be photographed, have their fingerprints taken and iris scanned.
-Promptly inform the police or Home Office if a card is lost or damaged.
-Promptly inform the National Identity Register of any change of address.
-Promptly inform the National Identity Register of any prescribed change of circumstances affecting the information recorded about them in the Register.

Whoa - everyone who gets an ID card will be fingerprinted and have their eyes scanned? Are you kidding me? We are not fighting Europa. We are now fighting Oceana.

Well, how are you rolling this out - is this a requirement for everyone? This isn't being "targeted" at certain segments of the population, right?

The first to receive ID cards will be foreign nationals, from 25 November 2008, and the Government intends to follow this up by offering young people ID cards in 2010. Ordinary British citizens will then be offered (on a voluntary basis at first, but later in larger volumes) ID cards from 2011 to 2012.

Oh good, so "ordinary" British citizens won't need an ID card until at least 2012 if not later - but foreign nationals need one starting this week? Well, I'm sure the scope of what this will be used for will be limited. You know, just preventing identity theft or for customs purposes:

For example, Gordon Brown was reported to be "planning a massive expansion of the ID cards project that would widen surveillance of everyday life by allowing high-street businesses to share confidential information with police databases."[57] He apparently described how "police could be alerted as soon as a wanted person used a biometric-enabled cash card or even entered a building via an iris-scan door."[58]

Ah, I see. Good, so limitless surveillance. Excellent. And at least it isn't targeting minorities or people who have been in the country for a short period of time, foreigners, things like that. Y'know - the dangerous elements. The ones you need to keep an eye on. Hey - if they have nothing to hide, they shouldn't care, right?

Good thing you Brits are around to pat us on the back for our progress in electing a black president. We can really take a cue from you chaps about how to treat everyone equally, openly and with respect. Speaking of which, tell me again the last minority prime minister you folks elected? Simply goes to show you that no matter what it is we get wrong here - and we gets lots of stuff wrong -everyone else will inevitably get it wronger.

Next time you complain about that DMV line, remember that at least they aren't fingerprinting you or scanning your iris. Liberal or conservative, be glad you're an American - where at least you know you're free (from compulsory biometric identification and registration).