The Potatoe Runs a Test...

Good afternoon people. Today, to welcome you all back to the Potatoe (or to find some new friends), we're going to highlight some of the headlines we've seen come across the ticker today...

"Dakota Fanning attends premeire of Twilight: New Moon movie and receives copy of Sarah Palin autobiography while mourning death of Ken Ober"

"Maersk Alabama crew fend off pirate attack while watching Jenna Jameson on Oprah and discussing Elizabeth Smart kidnapper situation"

"Obama to celebrate Thanksgiving by receiving H1N1 Swine Flu shot and shopping on Black Friday with Amanda Peet, Lady GaGa and Manny Pacquiao"

"Michelle Wie watches meteor shower with Dana Delaney and Michelle Obama while discussing 2012"

"Giant jellyfish to rock Sugar Bowl with Adam Sandler and Michael Scott"

Now, we could have gone dirty with this, but we decided to keep it clean. Shockingly, these are the top searches across the internet right now. Giant jellyfish? Meteor shower? What happened to the good old days when people searched for porn???

Our National Religion

'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'

Are you kidding me, America? Get a f**king grip:

A worker was killed in the crush Friday after a throng of shoppers eager for post-Thanksgiving bargains burst through the doors at a suburban Wal-Mart, authorities said.

Police say a Wal-Mart worker has died after being trampled by a throng of unruly shoppers shortly after the Long Island store opened Friday.

At least four other people were injured, and the store in Valley Stream on Long Island was closed.

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. in Bentonville, Ark., called the incident a "tragic situation" and said the employee came from a temporary agency and was doing maintenance work at the store

Good to see that as the Secularists continue to wage war on Christmas, the holy spirit of Jesus Christ imbues Wal-Mart parishioners searching for the immaculate bargain.

And, Jesus Christ! You a-holes just killed a man in a mad rush for Japanese robot dogs at 30% off. You valued his innocent life a shade under the price fetched by a Nintendo Wii on blue light special. Happy Holidays to those moms and dads, brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, who snagged the last Tickle Me Elmo Extreme in stock, undaunted by the horrific sound of human bones breaking under their feet. Collateral damage I guess - your kid really wanted that doll. Besides, the blood splatters seamlessly mix into Elmo's red fur.

Just like the 200 who died during a stampede at a Hindu festival in Jodhpur last month, religious fanaticism in America causes death on its high holy day: Black Friday. Representatives of the National Church of Materialism would not return our calls for comment.

By the way, the very first Commandment is "you shall have no other gods before me," you despicable consumer ghouls. Yet you worship that pile of apocryphal sh*t in your shopping cart, praying for its divine power to absolve human sins and pettiness perpetrated on the 364 days other than Christmas.

I wonder what Jesus would say to all this.

***UPDATE***: Black Friday. The War at home:


***UPDATE***: "Reasonable conservative" blogger John Swift calls on President Bush to pardon Long Island tramplers:

Police in Valley Stream, New York, are reviewing videotapes to attempt to identify exuberant Black Friday shoppers who trampled to death a Wal-Mart worker who made the tragic mistake of getting between them and some very remarkable bargains. Prosecutors may even try to score cheap political points by filing criminal charges against some of these bargain hunters, who have been called “savages” and “animals" by demagogues in the liberal media.

Of course, my heart goes out to the family of this man who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but while it is unfortunate that someone got hurt, capitalism is not a dinner party. There will always be some collateral damage in a free market. Socialists who hate capitalism are now trying to scapegoat these patriotic Americans who celebrated an American tradition by rising before dawn on the day after Thanksgiving to express their love of this country by partaking of the bounties of the free enterprise system. How can those of us who were not there judge people on the front lines of the Christmas shopping rush? Can we honestly say that we would not have rushed past or over this unfortunate man on the way to grabbing the last plasma TV or Wii to bring some Christmas joy to our children?

After 9/11 President Bush said that the best way to defeat the terrorists was to “go shopping.” Should we now condemn those who took him at his word? If he meant what he said, then before he leaves office President Bush should issue a blanket pardon to these high-spirited consumers to head off this assault not only on Americans who were just trying to make Christmas a little better for their families in these trying economic times but on the capitalist system itself.

Yes, I can honestly say that I would not have rushed past a man getting squashed to death by stampeding herds of consumer "savages" and "animals," hoping to score a Star Wars bobble head for their fat brats at the cost of human life.

Good rule of thumb: when you encounter "reasonable" or "intelligent" modifying the word "conservative," expect unreasonableness and unintelligence. A reasonable conservative is an oxymoron in the contextual realm of pundits' blather.