Gotham...Will Be...Destroyed.

News flash: a major attack using a chemical, biological or nuclear weapon could occur in the next few years somewhere at some time. These are the chillingly general and frighteningly unhelpful conclusions of a new study conducted by study by the Commission on the Prevention of WMD Proliferation and Terrorism (yes, that's the name. No, there's no acronym or anything. Try saying that ten times fast.) and leaked to ABC News in advance of the report's release today. Just take a look at the horrible predictions:

"The commission believes that unless the world community acts decisively and with great urgency, it is more likely than not that a weapon of mass destruction will be used in a terrorist attack somewhere in the world by the end of 2013."

Oh really? Gee, thanks guys. Somewhere in the world at some point in time in the next four years, eh? This is like calling the Psychic Friends network. I fully expect Dionne Warwick to be prominently involved.

Oh, sure, the report goes on, as summarized here, to be a tad more specific, but really it's just riddled with generalities. Yeah, terrorists are going to try to get chemical, biological or nuclear weapons and use them. We know this - we did not need to commission a study to find this out. But one passage of this was particularly terrifying - if you live in Gotham City:

"The acquisition of deadly pathogens, and their weaponization and dissemination in aerosol form, would entail fewer technical hurdles than the theft or production of weapons-grade uranium or plutonium and its assembly into an improvised nuclear device," the report argues.

Wait a tick - weaponizing aerosol pathogens and such... that sounds a lot like what the League of Shadows was trying to do in the Narrows!! Now I understand. Now it all makes sense... this report was released by Batman under his nom de plume, Commission on the Prevention of WMD Proliferation and Terrorism. Ah, I see, Mr. Wayne - I read you loud and clear. Though, may I say, your pen-name could use a little work. So the basic message is this: Stay out of Gotham until 2014 - or until Monday, when The Dark Knight DVD goes on sale.

U.S. to invade Greenland, Denmark, Ocean

BREAKING: The New York Times is reporting today that a hydrogen bomb is missing from the U.S.'s arsenal, and Greenland, Denmark and The Ocean are prime suspects. The H-bomb has been missing for 40 years. *gulp*

When last seen, the bomb was one of four aboard an Air Force B-52 bomber that crashed on a frozen bay near Thule Air Force Base in northern Greenland on Jan. 21, 1968. At first, all four bombs were unaccounted for, according to a front-page article in The New York Times on Jan. 23, 1968:

The Defense Department said that some of the wreckage had been observed on the ice by helicopters and that other pieces of the plane might have burned into or through the ice.

The Pentagon announcement made it clear that the bombs had not been found. It was not certain whether they had scattered on top of the ice cap or fallen with the bomber into several hundred feet of water.

Two years later, the United States and Denmark reported that they agreed “that the accident caused no danger to man or animal and plant life in the area,” according to The Times. The 96-page report of the investigation indicated that all four nuclear warheads aboard the plane had disintegrated on impact. Case closed.

Well, maybe not, the BBC says this week.

Declassified documents that the BBC obtained under the United States Freedom of Information Act indicate that only three of the bombs were accounted for, and that the United States searched secretly for the fourth bomb, without success.

With only 70 days left in office, it is unclear whether President Bush will have enough time to successfully launch a full-scale invasion of Greenland, Denmark and the entire Atlantic Ocean, but those effers have WMD and he will stop at nothing to find it. Perhaps instead of establishing a Presidential Library (entire collection to consist of one unread copy of My Pet Goat), Dubya can slap on some SCUBA gear and find this rogue WMD before it falls into the hands of the bad guys. Just a suggestion.