On Hovercars

Mitt Romney's Op-Ed in the New York Times just about nails my sentiment on the proposed auto bailout. In my opinion, the most difficult aspect of the Romney plan will be dealing with the unions, who have become extremely short-sighted. But life is never as easy as "here are your choices: (1) everybody loses their jobs or (2) some people get to keep their jobs, but with less pay." Are there any other real choices?

Maybe. They can start by cutting the $20,000 per flight private jets out of the budget. Unreal. Can these corporate fat cats really be trusted to get the auto industry out of this mess?

The Soreness of Losing

The non-issue of Obama's confirmed American birth, evidenced by the official short-form birth certificate produced months ago, is back in the tabloids and in the courts. Everything-baiter Alan Keyes isn't satisfied and reputable (put McCain dick fingers around the adjective) Christian news outlets like World Net Daily happily hand him the conch:

The California Secretary of State should refuse to allow the state's 55 Electoral College votes to be cast in the 2008 presidential election until President-elect Barack Obama verifies his eligibility to hold the office, alleges a California court petition filed on behalf of former presidential candidate Alan Keyes and others.

The legal action today is just the latest is a series of challenges, some of which have gone as high as the U.S. Supreme Court, over the issue of Obama's status as a "natural-born citizen," a requirement set by the U.S. Constitution.

WND senior reporter Jerome Corsi even traveled to Kenya and Hawaii prior to the election to investigate issues surrounding Obama's birth. But his research and discoveries only raised more questions.

Yes, some of these challenges have gone as high as the U.S. Supreme Court - just high enough for the Supreme Court to say we wouldn't touch these spurious claims with Pinocchio's ten-foot nose.

You remember good ol' Alan Keyes, the "former presidential candidate," don't you? The GOP sacrificial lamb put up to slaughter in the 2004 Illinois senatorial election, where Obama gave him an absolute 70%-27% drubbing? Well, here are a few past blurts from that hole on Keyes's face to serve as a reminder:

On not congratulating Obama on his 2004 victory: I'm supposed to make a call that represents the congratulations toward the triumph of that which I believe ultimately stands for ... a culture evil enough to destroy the very soul and heart of my country? I cannot do this. And I will not make a false gesture.

On God's preferred candidate in the 2004 election: "Jesus wouldn't vote for Obama."

On homosexuality (and Dick Cheney's daughter's lifestyle): "Selfish hedonism."

By the way, I'm announcing my candidacy for President of the United States in 2012. However, I now withdraw my candidacy for President of the United States in 2012.

Regards,

Warm Apple Pie
Former Presidential Candidate

***UPDATE***: My past post on Phil Berg's shoddy lawsuit seeking the same relief as Keyes - dismissed by the 3rd Circuit in October. However, Berg continues to fight the opposite-of-good fight with this advertisement gathering pennies for his trifling cause, courtesy of our misguided friends at The Kansas Citian.

Now in fairness, the publisher of our blog-nemesis concedes his personal belief that Obama is a naturally born citizen of the United States. However, he gives a sounding board to the insane rantings of fringe-dwellers like Keyes or Berg because questions persist and apparently questions, lunatic or otherwise, are enough.

18,000 Gay Marriages . . . Now Imagine They Are Straight

Before Matthew McConaughey traded serious acting for seriously bad romantic comedies with Kate Hudson, he stepped away from the bong long enough to deliver one hell of a cinematic soliloquy at the end of A Time To Kill.

Up against a vengeful all-white jury, eager to execute Samuel L. Jackson for his vigilante murder of two white youths, retribution for their brutal rape of Jackson's teenage daughter, Matt must deliver his closing argument with the deck stacked against his client. It is beyond dispute that Jackson committed the crime. He even erupts during his testimony to gallery outrage, "YES I'M GLAD THEY'RE DEAD AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!"

Um, objection? Why? Because it is very damaging to my client's case!

Out of options, McConaughey (oddly wearing a shirt for the occasion) decides to appeal to the jurors' better instincts, and recounts the harrowing tale of Jackson's daughter's rape, tugging at the heartstrings for a "not guilty" verdict for his unequivocally guilty defendant ("jury nullification" in legal parlance). He asks the members of the jury to close their eyes, to envision the narrative as he relays it. It's disgustingly vivid in detail and the members become visually shaken, some breaking down in tears.

Then, in a brilliant flip-the-script moment at the story's climax, Matt holds the mirror up to the bigotry of the white jurors before they decide Jackson's fate. Not the fate of a black man, but the fate of a reasonable father protecting his child:

Can you see her? Her raped, beaten, broken body soaked in their urine, soaked in their semen, soaked in her blood, left to die. Can you see her? I want you to picture that little girl . . . Now imagine she's white.

A powerful twist. Jackson found not guilty. And justice prevails.

Now let me tell you a story. Close your eyes:

It's June of this year. An absolutely glorious summer day. A congregation gathers on a beautiful beach to witness the marriage of a gay couple, two men, before a crystal blue ocean, shimmering with sunshine. They've been together for 15 years - high school sweethearts. They've loved each other with fidelity and with passion for 15 years. In attendance today, their friends and family, glowing with pride, decked out in today's haute couture, white and brilliant. They exchange vows. Parents tear up. Crazy aunts sob with joy. A real kiss received with thunderous applause. They triumphantly march down the makeshift aisle, hand-in-hand, passing the congregration as they are pelted with rice, everyone now drenched in crimson of the setting sun.

Then comes the reception within a glass-encased ballroom, a large snow globe of humanity, besides the water at a seaside hotel. The mirth of the cocktail hour begins. Handshakes and hugs. Finger foods-a-plenty. The newlyweds mingle and drift through the crowd with regal grace, exchanging warm sentiments and regards, posing for pictures. The reception room opens, revealing its elegance and taste. However, despite the sophistication of the decor, this is no stuffy affair. After the couple's first dance (Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes"), frenzied Chicken-dancing ensues. The jolly crowd is boisterous. A maudlin uncle grabs the microphone and leads the band in a cacophonous rendition of Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night."

Dinner comes: chicken or beef. Young children parade around the dance floor, no longer wearing shoes, doing silly jigs. The cake is cut and the two lovebirds have an intimate food fight for the photographers. More dancing. A conga line forms to "Feelin' Hot." Ties unknotted, now headbands for drunken, flushed faces. The last Whiskey Sour served by the open bar. The band well-wishes the happy couple and bids the revelers good night to chants of "one more song . . . one more song." The band obliges them with a final performance. Satisfaction. All bellies full. All minds sufficiently impaired with booze. Everyone goes home happy.

The line forms for the coat check. The newlyweds look on with approval, exchange another genuine kiss and gather the moment. They feel the gravity of the occasion. They see flashes from the future - family, careers, tragedies, joy, growing old together. They realize for the thousandth time: We deeply love each other. They silently utter the vows again their minds: "I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life." This is a dream come true.

Can you see them? A just married couple, committed, eager, ready for what's to come, in good times and in bad. Can you see them? I want you to picture this beautiful, radiant couple, surrounded by kith and kin, in a genuine celebration of love. Can you see them?

Now imagine they're a man and a woman.

Since May 17, 2008, when the California Supreme Court ruled that homosexuals have a fundamental right to marry, 18,000 gay marriages have been promulgated before the state. More importantly, 18,000 gay couples have celebrated their love using the ceremony we take for granted. Now a bigoted proposition sullying the state constitution casts these marriages into doubt.

Are we really saying as a society that the most devoted of these 18,000 marriages is morally inferior to the worst of our millions of heterosexulal marriages - marriages marred with infidelity, abuse, disappointment, neglect and ultimately divorce?

Very disappointing.

Why would you "choose" homosexuality when straight society makes it practically unbearable to be gay?

***UPDATE*** Socialism Not on March; Paulson's Hubris, Conversely, Is

I didn't want to update my previous Socialism post because, like Socialism, it produced long lines and red tape and I didn't want to make it any longer and less efficient. So this is an update, but in a new post. If you want to know about Socialism from my old post, look here.

But for those of you wondering about the bank bailout and the government taking shares in troubled banking institutions, fear not:

As reported by that bastion of Marxism, Fox News, in this article, Treasury Secretary Paulson is up on the Hill with Ben Bernanke, his own personal Friedrich Engels, explaining the newfangled direction of the bailout to the folks. Hank and Ben went up the Hill to fetch a pail of money.

According to Hammerin' Hank, the banks receiving bailout money, even in the form of share purchase, will have the ability to use the money pretty much however they please. Sure, most of them will try to unfreeze credit lines for homes and small businesses and students and loans like those. Sure, some of them will try to build up a reserve to avoid running out of money - a Socialist "war chest" if you will.

But for all you "better dead than Red"ers out there, the time to panic has passed. You see, the banks will be able to use the money at their own discretion. They won't be nationalized. If they were, how could they use the money for things "such as buying other banks or paying dividends to investors."

Wait, what?? We're giving them money so they can purchase other failing banks, or pay shareholder dividends??? Um, no. Mr. Secretary, that's not Socialism. That's lunacy. Let me make sure I have this right:

My tax dollars. They go to Washington. They go to you, Hank. You give them to (fill in name of failing bank). They give them to (fill in name of shareholder of bank).

Well, at least that quells those war drums trumpeting the end of Capitalism. Perhaps we should be banging on the gong of "this is a really really really bad idea and we don't need to label it anything other than a really bad idea. The idea itself should scare you without a need for a label."

When Doves Cry

Really, Prince? Really.

Prince comes out - no, not out of the closet - but against gay marriage. I did not see this one coming.

Andrew Sullivan has had it with the "dandy, feminized midget."

Man, it really is Sodom and Gomorrah again for these bible-thumpers. Amazing how they parse the text and take what they need.

Is Socialism Upon Us? Um, no.

Last week, several of our faithful contributors and I took on our friend James over at The Kansas Citian, having a spirited chat about his claim that "Democratic Socialism" has come now to America. I will not spend too much time recapping the debate, but if you wish to see its genesis, you may find it on his blog, to which you may link at left and you should read anyhow because it's just a good read generally.

James' specious claim is not unique - it's a foul being cried by conservatives throughout the land. The cries rang out when President-Elect Obama campaigned (as others did and had before him) on a platform that included a need to provide health insurance and access to medical services for the approximately 45 million Americans that do not have it currently. The cries turned hysterical when Secretary Paulson reached out his hand and asked for $700 billion. And, frankly, the cries have reached a pitch that only dogs can hear now that Congress has unveiled a plan - which is likely to fail, at least in the short term - to bail out the American automobile industry as well.

The battle cry of these outraged folks is simple: America is marching towards Socialism, and nobody seems to care or be as outraged as we are.

Well, the Potatoe has sat on this subject and just chuckled for long enough, but Bob Rumson is getting just a little too much airtime and it's time for us to chime in and point out the great big huge flaw in your theory.

There are many reasons why none of these things are Socialism of any stripe. I say "any stripe" because one of James' main points was that this isn't necessarily "Socialism" per se but rather "Democratic Socialism" - a more moderate offshoot of the ideology and one that isn't necessarily incompatible with a generally Capitalistic society (a theory that is somewhat head-scratching in itself, but that's for another day). However, this isn't Democratic Socialism either. But James does get extra points for not just screaming "SOCIALISM!" at the top of his lungs like many conservatives have but by trying to make a reasoned showing that these actions are akin to a move towards a Socialist society, or at least a Democratic Socialist one. We here at the Potatoe think these reasons are bullcrap on a chef salad, and I'm going to explain the one big stinking reason why in a minute...

Listen, there are many reasons we are not moving towards Socialism. Many. Do the research yourself - you don't have to take my word for it. As one small example, take the History News Network and Professor Andrew M. Schocket's word. Who? Well, see, the HNN, in their own words, are "an informal syndicate of professional historians who seek to improve the public's understanding of current events by setting these events in their historical contexts." They took it upon themselves to write a nice little article detailing the history of government involvement in banks in this country, and that in no way should this bailout be considered a step towards Socialism. But let's see what HNN's conclusions are:

One thing remains the same: regardless of how much money the government invests, the bailout plan still allows bankers to be in charge of bank policies, for better or, as we have seen recently, for worse. It's not socialism that we're getting or socialism that we have to fear, but unregulated capitalism. Capitalism got us into this mess, and we are counting on government-backed capitalism to get us out of it.

Sounds like they don't think we're headed towards a jackbooted Cheka operative stomping on your Christmas tree and declaring your house confiscated for the good of the Collective. But there's one big fat reason why none of this is Socialism of any kind. Frankly, I'm surprised it doesn't get more play in the mainstream media, but it might just be too simple. But before I reveal the reason, I want to pose the following hypothetical:

A man breaks into my house. In the course of attempting to kill me, I wrest a gun from him and it accidentally goes off, killing him. In shock and terrified, I run from my house and call the police straightaway. They arrive, survey the scene and arrest me and charge me with murder in the first degree. Should I be convicted of murder at trial?

That sounds pretty dumb, doesn't it? Sounds like I should be exonerated in this scenario, does it not? Of course it does. And why?

Well, any fan of Law & Order could tell you - I lacked motive. I acted in self-defense. Not all homicides are murder, as we all know - only premeditated ones. Ones with intent. With what is called mens rea. The mental commitment to the idea of killing. The example offered above contains no intent. I am not guilty of murder. (note: this is a simple example to make a point. Do not bring your bar exam review materials to the computer and quote the Model Penal Code to me or I will show you an example of premeditated murder. Put it away, nerds.)

And this is why we are not becoming a Socialist country - in any way. Socialism is a political idea and requires motive and commitment. You cannot blunder into Socialism. Socialism is not a reaction to an emergency. Socialism is not temporary or a stop-gap measure. It is a political ideology. You cannot accidentally be Socialist just as you couldn't accidentally be Christian. It requires adherence to a system of beliefs, not just some temporary actions that might have overlap. You can't be temporarily Socialist just as you couldn't be temporarily Christian. "Oh, I found this dude on this cross here and decided to worship him for a sec - you guys have a whole name for this?" No. That's not how these things work.

See, here's the thing: the federal government has zero interest in an ongoing ownership stake in banks or the automobile industry. None. Not one person has posited that this is something the government should operate or "nationalize." Should there be oversight? Perhaps. Should we bail them out so they don't collapse in this turbulent economic period? Possibly. But this is not Socialism. Socialism is the act of nationalizing these institutions because the government decides they should be owned and operated by the government for the good of the people. That is absolutely, positively not being proposed. Never has. Never will. Not Socialism of any stripe. The government does not want to own AIG or GM. You will find zero people advocating this as a permanent solution. That is the absolutely basic and completely rudimentary reason why this is not Socialism, and it is so simple that I can't understand why it's so hard for some people to grasp.

As far as healthcare is concerned, those who scream that providing some sort of government health care for the 45 million Americans who currently have none is Socialism just do not understand (and, for my dollar, are dicks, frankly). If they truly believe this, they obviously believe the United Kingdom, Canada and virtually every other "First World" country is Socialist, since these countries have far more nationalized health care systems than any candidate in United States history has ever proposed. The proposal for providing health care for all Americans is not the same as putting the health care system under national control or "nationalizing" it. It is far closer to the public school system - where every child is entitled to a public education, but is free to opt out and send their children to private school if they choose to and can so afford. So far, I haven't heard anyone spout off that our education system is inherently Socialist because we have public schools paid for by tax dollars. If someone would like to make that argument, bring it on.

Fact of the matter is that I'm getting really tired of listening to uninformed and hysterical mouth-breathers accuse people like Secretary Paulson of moving the country towards Socialism. Hank Paulson is one of the most devout Capitalists alive today. You do not work at Goldman Sachs if you are dabbling in Socialist tendencies. I don't necessarily agree with the actions of Secretary Paulson, Speaker Pelosi, President-Elect Obama or President Bush on the banking and auto crisis. But then again, I'm not sure that this isn't simply the solution with the least flies on it. I'm not qualified enough as an amateur economist to conclude one way or the other.

However, I am plenty qualified to pronounce this as being absolutely positively NOT Socialism. Unless your contention is that our government intends to take over ownership, operation and oversight of the banking and automobile industries on a permanent and complete basis, screaming Socialism is simply wasting valuable oxygen. Why so many other people have such a hard time getting there is beyond me.

I'm Just Sayin' . . .

Dennis Prager this morning speaking to a teacher-caller:

"Look, we admire teachers. However we do not admire the teacher's union."

Then some blather about "lefties" and "radicalism" and "fear."

Not worth mentioning, except it reminded me of the go-to response of the far right for anyone with the temerity to trash Bush's policies in Iraq: "Stop criticizing the troops."

"Look, we admire soldiers. However, we do not admire the Bush Administration."

Any hypocrisy there?

It's not a rhetorical question - I haven't finished my morning coffee and the thoughts are still sticking together.

Palin's Legs Pallin' Around With Hotness!

Exhausted after the gauntlet of a nine-minute, four question press conference this week at the RGA conference in Miami, Governor Palin hit the pool for some well-deserved rest and relaxation, taking a break from the 2012 election stump.

The Saracuda was not shy about showing off her stems. Yowsers! And true to her word, her beverage of choice is Diet Dr. Pepper.

When asked for comment about the photo spread, Dennis Miller removed the discipline out of his satchel and began excoriating the flesh of his back like the albino monk in The Da Vinci Code. On a sad note, Rich Lowry was unavailable for comment. His dead body was discovered this evening, sitting in a chair in front of his computer, strangely with no head and, even stranger, wearing no pants.

The police noted "starbursts" were found at the scene. "Massive, sudden head explosion" has been pronounced the official cause of death.

No More Gadgets!

President-Elect Obama's transition team interviewed Gilbert Lowell and Louis Skolnick this week for a new cabinet post: Secretary of Tools. Neeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrds!

Our first yuppie president will lose his toys on January 20:

For years, like legions of other on-the-move professionals, Obama has been a heavy user of his BlackBerry. The device, basically a phone and a hand-held computer, has rarely been far from his side.

"How about that?" Obama replied to a congratulatory e-mail message from a friend after his election victory.

But before he arrives at the White House, he will probably be forced to sign off. In addition to concerns about e-mail security, there is the Presidential Records Act, which puts his correspondence in the official record and ultimately up for public review, and the threat of subpoenas. A final decision has not been made on whether Obama could go against precedent and become the first e-mailing president, but aides said that was unlikely.

Despite the power afforded the U.S. president, the chief executive of the nation is essentially deprived of some of the tools that other chief executives depend on. Obama, however, appears to be poised to make technological history in other ways: Aides said he hopes to have a laptop on his desk in the Oval Office. He would be the first American president to do so.

And McCain was only becoming "computer literate" during the Summer months of the campaign. He never used emails. He never had a chance.

Plenty of free time for the Video Professor now. Perhaps you can learn to sell Governor Palin's stump wardrobe on eBay. Please . . . try his damn product already, you old codger!

***UPDATE***: Obama uses online videos to disseminate his weekly addresses and taps the unmatched reach of Youtube as his vehicle. A tech savvy President? How cool. But killjoy Allen Stern cries foul and mewls about "fair competition."

Assassination Of Liberalism By The Coward Dennis Miller

"I don't mean to go on a rant, folks, but . . . "

Highfalutin, GOP nozzle Dennis Miller says Sarah Palin is a "great dame." He regards the appearance of the good-looking Governor's "great sex life" as the source of bile coming Palin's way courtesy of a coterie of left-leaning ice queens, presiding over cold, dour lives and marriages according to Miller, in the oppressive chasteness of Manhattan's Upper East Side.

Then, guaranteeing the homely vision of his unkempt, watery-fat, ape face will dispel any notion of giving the missus a proper pickle-tickle this evening, Miller brings Todd Palin's snow machine into his sordid allegory, commenting that it has the look of "mechanized foreplay," a precursor to Alaska's first couple's exchange of bodily fluids most likely.

In Miller's wacky, German scat-porn body politic, that's why Sarah Palin fascinates the folks: the ability to have "non-neurotic sex" with her strapping Tesoro Iron Dog champion, as Monday Night Football's worst anchor phrases it.

So there you have it, Republicans: Your new standard-bearer instills such wonderment (such "starbursts around the living room") simply because she'll opt for the receiving end of a "Cleveland Steamer" without regret, guilt or therapy in its malodorous wake.

Miller, put the little monster away - the Palins ain't in the market for scruffy, irascible three-way. And that goes for the rest of you conservative cattle-rapers: get the grand old elephant's trunk out of Sarah's face. Show some class. Pretend that she's smart and sexy. That goes for you too, Greta. Christ, will someone get Greta's tongue out of the Governor's ear?

Who needs sexist attacks from the left with hyper-sexist flattery from the right? Sarah, I'd avoid back rooms of dive bars with any combination of Rich Lowry, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill Kristol, Dennis Miller and/or Hugh Hewitt throwing back Jaeger Bombs. Get away from that pinball table, Sarah!

I just love watching Miller huff and puff in a vain, awkward effort to ingratiate himself with a confused Republican audience. You're playing to the wrong crowd, Dennis. They don't get you. They don't particularly like you either.

You want an arcane cultural reference that resonates for no one, but I'll use it anyway and not be funny? After 9-11, Miller dumped liberalism for neoconservatism quicker than Vidkun Quisling traded in Norway for Nazism at Oslo's NRK studios in April 9, 1940. You got that, babe?

Let me give you the Dennis Miller transformational chronology from pedant to pussy in the flash of a fireball:

September 10, 2001: Miller loves pot, strippers, whores, gays, blacks, books, college radio, cynicism, polysyllabic rants - a "left-leaning, Dada-ist wisenheimer"according to Slate's Dennis Cass.

September 11, 2001: Terrorists attack New York City and Washington D.C. - the prime fronts of Al Qaeda's war to rid the world of asexual, frigid liberal women.

September 12, 2001: Miller curls up in the fetal position, shrinks in fear, plays tiddlywinks with his spontaneously combusted, new found chicken-hawk vinny, pretends to hate pot, strippers, whores, gays, blacks, books, college radio and cynicism. Still goes on windy polysyllabic rants, this time annoying Real Americans and raining down a torrent of canceled, unwatchable cable talk shows and failed game show pilots - a "tell-it-like-it-is right-wing blowhard" according to Slate's Dennis Cass.

September 13, 2001: Terrorists declare victory over GOP infant Miller, still cowering in the corner of the room with a wet diaper and a baby's intellect - a.k.a an unflinching Republican soldier.

For good measure, Jack Knowledge has to get his licks in on Miller, like Fred O'Bannion laying the lumber, giving the good wood, to Mitchy Kramer:

"Know when you can tell someone could really use a good cockslap? When they manage to make Bill O'Reilly seem somewhat less douchey by comparison. We salute you Dennis Miller, you skid mark on the underpants of society."

The days of the great Dennis Miller Live on HBO are long gone.

"Of course . . . that's just The Potatoe's opinion . . . we could be wrong."

***UPDATE***: Newshounds adds its two cents on Miller's peculiar bit on The O'Reilly Factor:

Comment: Words fail me – actually two words, directed to Miller come to mind. Miller’s commentary was as offensive as that of National Review's Kevin Burke who claimed that liberal women hated Palin because they felt guilty about their abortions and because Palin chose to give birth to a Down’s baby – views shared by Fox’s Bill O’Reilly and Charles Krauthammer.

To those males, who claim to channel what liberal women think, I say STFU. As I noted on an earlier thread, liberal women do not begrudge Palin her choice – a choice which Palin would deny to other women. As I also noted, there are other issues, important to women, which Palin either ignored or was uninterested in. But what was really, really creepy (and offensive) was Miller’s fantasizing about Palin’s sex life. It sounds like Dennis Miller, rather than East Side liberal women, has some – ah – problems? And snowmobile as “foreplay” – whatever gets you through the night, Dennis!

All I can say is that one of my best friends is a working mom with four children. I don’t know about her sex life (and don't want to know). What I do know is that she gets very tired. Obviously, I am not a Sarah Palin fan; but Miller's little screed was insulting to her because it revealed that Miller’s admiration is based on her “sexuality” (ability to please her man) and not on her ability to combine a political career with raising a family which includes a child with special needs. And that is very sexist!

Greta, Miller, Lowry, etc. - GOP admiration for Palin has become disturbingly fetishistic. I'm starting to worry about her safety.

I began drafting a "funny" take on that scene from The Accused starring the neocon usual suspects, but better judgment prevailed and I abandoned the project when I envisioned Hannity doing a jig atop a bar table, cruelly ribbing a reluctant Colmes to "get that college ass ready. You're up next, college boy. I want to see that college ass work" as Rush Limbaugh and Fred Barnes held Governor Palin down on the pinball table, while . . . (swallow vomit) . . . Greta thrusted in and out between the helpless Sarah's spread legs, climaxing with an orgasm face.

I feel awful about myself right now. Bad baby, bad baby, GOP!

Gretawatch: The Lantern-Jawed Banshee Continues To Stalk Palin

Greta continues to shill for Governor Palin, declaring her "the front runner" for the Republican Presidential nomination in 2012. Interviewing a local Miami journalist about the Republican Governors Association conference this week (or, as Greta puts it, Sarah Palin's vetting process meet-n-greet for vice presidential hopefuls), Van Susteren and her lantern jaw gushed over Palin's big reception by the media covering her very first presser . . . um . . . eight days after the election. She fielded four questions, responding at times, unexpectedly, with a smattering of words. Still, sentences were conspicuously absent.

Staying fair and balanced, I cannot report that Greta verbally acknowledged her sapphic tendencies when she interacts with the Saracuda, but draw your own conclusions from wearing Palin's panties on her face during the entire broadcast of Friday's On The Record. I found it telling.

By the way, if Greta calls Todd Palin "the first dude" one more time I'm going to rip my clothes off and hug the sun:



***UPDATE***: Greta is a Scientologist. I'm just saying. Keep her away from couches, Oprah and questions about her feelings for Palin.

Palin As President . . .

Nice. Got a grin out of me.

"Soul Fixers" To The Left Of Me, "Healers" To The Right

One of Michelle Malkin's compassionate and tolerant readers reminds us that lost in the California Proposition 8 furor is Christian benevolence:

Palmdale resident James Jackson, a member of the Church of Latter-day Saints who gave $1,000 to the Proposition 8 campaign, said he felt that the good works of his church had been forgotten in the midst of attention on the protests about the vote.

“I’m not a bigot,” said Jackson, 48. “I want to be a good person. But there are certain things I just don’t believe are right.”

Malkin welcomes Mr. Jackson into her elite group of "soul fixers" and "healers" fighting to defend "marriage."

Asked for comment on the developments of the past week, marriage snorted "personally, I think Mr. Jackson's a raging bigot. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a whole slate of divorces to get eviscerated by today, most featuring infidelity. I'm pretty pumped!"

With absolutely no respect, Mr. Jackson: you are a bigot. If you want to be a good person, then let me show you the way - stop donating money to bigoted causes that press bigoted propositions into law.

I have a lot of personal predilections towards things I "believe are right." But if they prevent a free, adult American citizen from enjoying a right endowed to me simply because I like the ladies, then I put my wallet away and save my hard-earned dough for my family. You know, so the economic turbulence doesn't jeopardize the sanctity of my marriage when suddenly we cannot make ends meet.

I'm constantly amazed how many supposed Christians refuse to behave in a Christ-like manner. You see Jesus Christ in a grilled cheese sandwich or on a set of drapes, yet you cannot find him in yourselves.

As for the protesters this weekend, I urge restraint and a public airing of the pathos of your unfortunate situation. Progress will win. Equal rights will prevail. The bigot class will die out. Bide your time. Show your love trumps their sanctimony, and you will win the day.

Memory Refresher: Dick Morris

Lest we forget:

On August 29, 1996, Morris resigned from the Clinton campaign after reports surfaced that he had been involved with a prostitute. A tabloid newspaper had obtained and published a set of photographs of Morris and the woman on a Washington, D.C., hotel balcony. The Electronic Telegraph reported unverified claims that in order to impress the woman, Sherry Rowlands, Morris invited her to listen in on conversations with the President. The Telegraph also alleged that Morris had a preference for "toe-sucking and dominance," and that he regaled Rowlands with a version of "Popeye the Sailor Man," performed in his underpants.

Morris resigned on the same day that Bill Clinton spoke and accepted the nomination at the Democratic National Convention. In his resignation statement, he said that "while I served I sought to avoid the limelight because I did not want to become the message. Now, I resign so I will not become the issue." In his response, President Clinton praised Morris as a "friend" and thanked him for his years of service.

Morris was featured on two consecutive covers of Time magazine. The September 2, 1996 issue, which was released before the prostitute story broke, featured Morris as "The Man Who Has Clinton's Ear." The following week, the cover featured Morris and his wife, Eileen McGann, and the headline read "The Morris Mess: After the Fall."

Bad enough Dennis Miller's funky visage disturbs my sexual fantasies this Friday evening, now I've got to contend with the tubby phantasm of a banana-hammocked Dick Morris bragging he's "good to the finish, cause I eats me spinach."

No nookie tonight! Damn you Wikipedia.

Miss Precious Perfect

For you, Jack Knowledge. Affleck embodies the globe-headed diva.

U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops Speaks; Reminds Me They're Lunatics

So, President-Elect Obama has not even taken office yet and he's getting threats from religious groups - play nice or else. The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, or NAMBLA for short, has issued a statement. And it wasn't exactly a statement of unabashed congratulations.

The statement...also state[s] that the election was not a referendum on abortion, and will suggest that aggressive abortion-rights polices "would alienate many Americans and be interpreted by many Catholics as an attack on the Church."

An attack on the Catholic Church, you say? Good to know that when your little Papalist sewing circle comes together, you guys don't take things overly personally. But the insanity continues...

"Any one of us here would consider it a privilege to die tomorrow--die tomorrow!--to bring about the end of abortion," Auxiliary Bishop Robert Hermann of St. Louis said during a press conference at the Bishops’ conference in Baltimore.

Good thing we go hunting for religious extremists in Tikrit. They're so hard to find here in America. They're hiding in plain sight - in Baltimore. Although, to be fair, you can send the Army and the National Guard to Anwar Province, but they'll be damned if they're traipsing into the Inner Harbor or Towson. That city is a shithole, yo.

But Bishop Joseph Martino offered a sinister message to the new administration. Martino runs the Popa Nostra in Scranton, PA - and he had a message for Lunchpail Joe Biden: you're pro-choice, then don't come 'round here no mo'.

"I cannot have the vice president coming to Scranton and saying he learned his values there when those values are utterly against those of the Catholic Church," Martino said.

As I had always suspected, the Catholic Church runs Scranton - and with an iron fist, no less. As Bishop Martino makes clear, if you learned your values in Scranton, you learned them from the Catholic Church. Period. Joe Biden is Roman Catholic and grew up in Scranton. Thus, everything Joe Biden knows from his time in Scranton came from the Roman Catholic church. There is simply no possible way that Senator/VP-Elect Biden could have learned something somewhere other than in his pew on Sunday. Frankly, I'm not even sure why he bothered to go to school Monday through Friday. In Scranton, Sunday is the only day that matters where it comes to learning your life-lessons.

Just another message from Crazytown, USA. Peace be with you, and also with you. Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.

(NOTE: Perhaps Bishop Martino should simply be happy to see one of his own back in the White House, seeing as how Mr. Biden is the first Catholic ever elected to serve as Vice President. You don't see the Muslims dumping on Senator Obama, do you???)

*****UPDATE*****

An assist to DP on this one, but apparently in Greenville, South Carolina, if you attend St. Mary's Catholic Church and you voted for Obama, you have some explaining to do. To God, that is.

The priest at St. Mary's Catholic Church in downtown Greenville has told parishioners that those who voted for Barack Obama placed themselves under divine judgment because of his stance on abortion and shouldn't receive Holy Communion until they've done penance.

That sounds to me like any Catholic who voted for O is on the outs with the Trinity. So it must be a small number, right? I mean, even though his running mate was a Catholic, the abortion thing must have been a deal-breaker for all those Papalists out there, right?

At issue for the church locally and nationwide are exit polls showing 54 percent of self-described Catholics voted for Obama, as well as a growing rift in the lifestyle and voting patterns between practicing and non-practicing Catholics.

D'oh! Good thing they didn't call their parishioners who voted Democratic evil or anything though. Kept it respectful-like...

In a letter posted on St. Mary's Web site, Newman wrote that "voting for a pro-abortion politician when a plausible pro-life alternative exists constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil."

But Reverend Newman goes on, and I can't even tell you, it's a screamer. I can't upstage the man - let's Warner Wolf it. To the videotape:

Newman calls abortion the "chief battleground" in the so-called culture wars, and different from "prudential" matters such as health care, education or the war on terror. A Catholic who gets an abortion, encourages one or assists in the procedure is automatically excommunicated from the church, Newman said, a penalty he said doesn't apply to other forms of killing.

Now, I want to make sure I read this right: Let's say my mother, a practicing Catholic, drives someone - let's say they're a cracked-out former student who comes to her for help - to the doctor where that woman intends to and then gets an abortion. This would be, arguably, encouraging an abortion. According to Reverend Newman, my mother, who has attended church virtually every week of her life and is actually a real-life believer in the faith (not many of those around these days), worked with handicapped and mentally disabled children as a profession, and - unlike I would wager Reverend Newman - has actually met a Pope, is automatically excommunicated by the Church. However, conversely, let's say she gets tired of my father chewing with his mouth open (which, let's be honest, the whole family is pretty tired of) and stabs him to death with a kitchen knife... she is not automatically excommunicated. She might be, but not a dispositive act. That's what you're saying here? That's what you're selling me? That's the blue plate special today?

Seriously?

Nope, I have nothing else. I'm finished. Turn out the lights when you leave.

(note: I try to avoid bringing my mother into things, but she's a very good example of a practicing, faithful and non-lapsed Catholic who also happens to have a functional brain. Reverend Newman, not as much.)

Shame on you, Sir, and by "you" I mean YOU

Now don't take this the wrong way, but MSNBC's Keith Olbermann has been paying very close attention to you and your actions lately and, suffice it to say, he's not impressed. In fact, he's had it up to here with you and your crap. He's even taken the time to devote a Special Comment to you. Just take it like a man and move on. If you complain you'll just be feeding the news cycle with more fodder. And frankly, you're going to need to have a thicker skin if you want to make it in politics.

Now take your scolding like a man. As we British say, "chin up. Stiff upper lip. Pip pip and all that." Of course, we also pronounce laboratory as "la-bore-a-tree," so maybe you shouldn't listen to us anyway.



Courtesy of our friends at 23/6.

Warm Apple Pie Calls It! Hillary Cometh!

Not to toot my own horn, but I'm tooting it! I called this nugget two weeks ago: The Associated Press reports Hillary Clinton is being tapped as President-Elect Obama's Secretary of State.

A cagey, astute move by Obama if the story pans out. Absolutely perfect role for Hillary and her Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits. She's earned the post.

Joe the Plumber Starts Website; Charges for Freedom

Protector of all things freedomish and toilety, Joe the Plumber has got his own website up and running here. There appears to be a movement afoot - a movement to "help[] one another in times of need." Sounds socialist! Say it ain't so, Joe! But rest assured, he's just trying to lead the "backbone" of our country (I could have sworn it was the plumber's crack) to freedom. But there's a catch - freedom isn't free. In fact, it's $14.95 for a 1-year membership.

What type of freedom does your hard-earned $14.95 get you? Let's see:

1) Total Access to "Joe The Forum" where you may chat directly with Joe (freedom of speech)
2) Subscription to the "Joe The Blog" monthly newsletter (freedom of the press)
3) Free Shipping on all "Joe The Plumber" merchandise (free market economy)
4) Free Signed Copy of Joe's forthcoming book "Joe The Plumber" - Fighting for the American Dream (Paperback slated for release December 1, 2008) (free plumbing tips?)
5) Become an integral part of an American movement to restore our government to the people (a brain aneurysm, which will require the free health care that Joe opposes)

Godspeed you plunging warrior.