My Buddy's Inactive Jdate Profile

From the "About Me" section of my Jewish buddy's no longer circulating Jdate profile:

Describe myself???? Sort of a weighted question - I'm betting most people go with superlatives here. Hey, I'm short, fat, have a lazy eye, chew with my mouth open, have no job prospects, live with my mother and fear intimacy like Richard Simmons fears pants. I don't think that's going to get me on your HOT LIST!

Let's try some puffery. I'm lean and athletic, have outrageously high standardized test scores, I'm fluent in 12 languages (including Ora - an African click dialect), live in a house made of diamonds, read books to the blind on Sunday mornings and have never attended Yom Kippur services . . . because I have never sinned.

Still not working? Let's go to my wheelhouse - a comedic approach. I'm a spittin' image of George Clooney, except for the fact I look nothing like him. I can actually speak only 6 languages if you include the five Greek words I picked up during a week in Santorini and jive. Yes, I'm fluent in jive. I'm really into showering and am a huge proponent of soap. And I acknowledge the irrefutable truths of the world: Batman Begins is a superior picture to Batman, 85% of Yankees fans have mild autism, the world's oil supplies have peaked though petrol consumption continues to rise exponentially, and poetry sucks (you're on notice, William Carlos Williams!!!!).

And I was definitely psyched when Jdate made the switch from 5 pound to 2 pound increments for the "Your Weight" section - allowing me to sleep at night when I reported in at a svelte 198 pounds, instead of two bulging bills! Having recently emerged from a long term relationship, I am still shedding some of the "comfort" weight, a standard result of the "who do I have to look good for anymore" attitude part and parcel of prolonged commitment.

Don't you want to get to know me? No? Um . . . wow . . . I sort of expected a different answer. Wow! This is awkward, huh? So . . . well . . . what, should I log off or are you going? Would it make any difference if I said I kept Kosher?

Let's just say my buddy had limited success with this approach. Fortunately, he has found comfort in the arms of the Schiksa community.