There has been much speculation concerning how John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate. Speculate no more. In a Potatoe exclusive, we have come into possession of the super-secret audio tape of the top-level meeting that finalized this decision. Without further delay, the transcript:
Dr. McCain: You know, I have one simple request for my Vice President. And that is to have a shark with frickin' laser beam attached to its head! Now evidently my myopic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Steve Schmidt: A barracuda.
Dr. McCain: [pause] Right.
Steve Schmidt: Sarah Barracuda.
Dr. McCain: Is she ill tempered?
Steve Schmidt: Absolutely. Like a pit bull with lipstick.
Dr. McCain: Oh well, that's a start.
Riveting stuff. But it didn’t end there. What was their first meeting like?
Dr. McCain: Hello Sarah.
Sarah Palin: Hi.
Dr. McCain: I'm your running mate. Dr. McCain.
Sarah Palin: I've met you once my whole life and now you just show up and *expect* a relationship? I hate you. What?
Dr. McCain: Can I have a hug?
Sarah Palin: No.
Dr. McCain: Give me a hug.
Sarah Palin: No way.
Dr. McCain: Come on. Let's go. Pronto.
Sarah Palin: What are you doing?
Dr. McCain: I'm with it. I'm hip. Tucka, tucka, tucka, tucka, tucka, uh. Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein! Come here and give your running mate a hug.
Sarah Palin: Get away from me, you puff-faced psycho!
[Dr. McCain runs after Sarah with his arms out]
Dr. McCain: Hug, hug, hug.
At first, they got along, but when McCain’s poll numbers started to decline, tension between the two mavericks began to build.
Dr. McCain: Sarah, I want you to meet my nemesis, Barack Obama
Sarah Palin: What? Are you going to just let him campaign like that? Why don't you just bring up Reverend Wright?
Dr. McCain: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable moral quandary involving an exaggerated relationship with Bill Ayers.
Dr. McCain: All right Steve, begin the unnecessarily boring robocalls.
Sarah Palin: Wait, aren't you even going to mention Wright? Obama can address the Ayers issue!
Dr. McCain: No no no, I'm going to leave Wright alone and not actually read the polls about whether the Ayers attacks are effective, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?
Sarah Palin: I have a tape of Wright, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, it'll blow their campaign out!
Dr. McCain: Sarah, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.
How did it all turn out? Tune in next time . . .
