Palin Found Guilty After Finding Self Not Guilty

As many of you no doubt have read or will read on the Internets, the Googles or the Interwebs, whatever your information portal of choice - even, heaven forbid, an old fashioned newspaper made out of, I believe, dinosaur skin - the bipartisan report by the Alaska state legislature has been released. And sure as rootin' tootin', fresh 'n fruit'n, that ol' Wasilla Main Street straightalker, Sarah Palin, inaugural member and so far only ever GILF, is guilty of abusing her power in firing a dude who didn't want to fire another dude who had divorced her sister or something.

Listen, this report doesn't thrill me. I wouldn't have taken the time to post for you people just on the results of this report. I have other things to do. No effing sheit she abused her power. Her administration looks suspiciously like the Wasilla High School prom committee, circa 1982 (no, really - seven members of the '82 prom committee are on her staff. True story. No - it isn't. But you believed it for a second. Doesn't that tell you all you need to know about this person? That you momentarily believed that? Think about it.). Sarah is the top dawg and she abuses everyone from Todd on down. That "first dude" has definitely worn ankle cuffs and strap on moose antlers if you catch my drift. So the fact that she basically berated this guy in violation of something or other is not surprising to me in the least. Nor is it surprising that a state legislature that I would bet dollars to donuts that she pushes around regularly is quietly enjoying the role reversal and getting to stick it to her in a way several of the pundits on this site would like to. But that's another story.

NONE of this is the point. The POINT, dear readers, is that she was already found to have been NOT in violation of any laws, regulations, kosher dietary restrictions or removing the tags from her Sealy posturopedic. A report released just yesterday demonstrated her innocence from these inflammatory charges. And what brave soul had the courage in these troubled times to come forward and absolve Sarah Palin of the smack of wrongdoing? Well, in an homage to the adage that if you want something done right, do it yourself, the report was issued by none other than Sarah Palin.

Yes, ahead of today's bipartisan legislative report finding her guilty of abuse of power, Sarah Palin, in a well-reasoned and thoroughly vetted report released yesterday said, My Cousin Vinny style, that everything that committee is gonna say tomorrow is [expletive deleted]. No, really. She released her OWN report. I don't even have a joke for this. She released her own report. In it, she interviewed both herself and also I think maybe one of her kids to see what they thought about it. She also I believe asked her dry cleaner some questions and had a spirited back and forth with her Inuit cleaning lady about the issue. In the end, the evidence gleaned from inside Sarah Palin's head clearly demonstrated that Sarah Palin was not guilty of anything except a massive amount of hubris.

I'm releasing my own report countering the toxicology screening showing that I'm a full-blown alcoholic and my liver is the liver of a 73 year old Irish dock worker. In my hard-hitting interview with my own liver, I will refute all of these scurrilous allegations that denigrate either me or the health of my liver.

Sarah Palin. I salute you. Releasing your own report. Hubris run amok... someone needs to take you over their knee, Sarah. But still, I salute you. Well, I'm using both hands to type. But salute you I still do, if you catch my drift you minx.