From the "this hadn't officially happened yet?" department...

So the NRA today - that's the National Rifle Association to you, not the NRA from FDR's first term (if you'd like to know more about THAT NRA, drop me an email. Exciting stuff.) - announced, in a press release that absolutely left me standing here beside myself, that it has endorsed the McCain/Palin ticket.

Holy spent shell casings, Batman! The surprise was not that a ticket including a former POW and Vietnam vet and a woman who likes to shoot sheit for no particular reason, and who also "[a]s mayor of Wasilla, Alaska...used $750 from her city campaign fund to upgrade her NRA membership" was endorsed by the NRA. (note: nice campaign spending. Go up there and give 'em some Main Street Wasilla common sense, Sarah.) The surprise was that it was announced... now?

Don't get me wrong - they've been opposing Barak Hussein Al-Hezbollah all along. But now, McCain has the official support of the group, because the group says that Obama is "waffling on gun-rights issues and [they are] challenging his statements that he supports the right to bear arms. Obama has said he respects the Second Amendment but doesn't think it precludes 'some commonsense gun laws so that we don't have kids being shot on the streets of cities like Chicago.'" Naturally, that's a crazy, lunatic-fringe position. Exactly the sort of position I'd expect a terrorist to take. (Note: don't you always see Muslim terrorists walking around with guns? Do you see Obama walking around with guns? And yet you still think so, don't you?)

Is the NRA still here? Oh, there you guys are. Wow, you're still a politically relevant entity, huh? Shocking. What I don't understand is why you took so long to weigh in on this election in an official manner - was there ever, EVER a doubt which ticket you were going to endorse? Why didn't you just endorse the 2008 Republican ticket generally four years ago, the day after Bush's second inauguration, and just call it a day? Oh, you wanted to keep us in suspense did you? I see. Like a big mystery. It was Professor Plum, in the Kitchen with the Uzi.

I have a silly question to ask you, NRA, because I assume you're reading this, because I assume at all times all people are reading what I write, especially those about whom I am making fun. Or at least, NRA, have someone with above a third grade reading level read this to you, and if there are any words you don't understand, have them explain the meaning to you in a slow, measured way. (who am I kidding. I do not even write at a third grade level. No child left behind my ass) So, NRA, as I was saying... you're the national RIFLE association, right? Rifles. So why is it that I only hear about you bitching and moaning when it comes to pistols (and sometimes semi-autos, but don't get me started on that). As any card-carrying NRA member would know, a rifle is not a pistol. Sure they're both guns, but that's like saying a Protestant is a Catholic because they both ultimately believe in Jesus at the end of the day.

If you want to represent the interests of pistols, why are you not the national rifle AND pistol association? Or the national gun association? Or possibly the national "we like stuff that kills us something or blows something up" association? I just don't understand why you'd restrict yourself to rifles and then go way off-message. Pistols are not rifles. Thus, Glocks, Berettas, Magnums, Saturday Night Specials... none of these items are under your umbrella. You are representing rifles and rifle owners. And I'm pisspot tired of you overstepping your bounds. Change your name or shut the hell up.

If you will now excuse me, I am late for my Scheizer Porn Addicts Anonymous meeting.