Warm Apple Pie Revealed

Vocabulary and erudition seem familiar? Verbal dexterity and grace distinctive, but difficult to place? Oscar Wilde? Mark Twain? Garrison Keilor? Close.

Though I am loathe to unveil the secret identity of our very own Warm Apple Pie, the combination of his remarkable eloquence and his admirable patriotism compels me. Behold, fulfilling his end of the social contract Rousseau spoke of as incumbent upon all citizens of a free democracy, watch as Warm Apple Pie attempts to enlist in the Army.